listening to Confessions by City and Colour
I binged. I'm sitting with that horrible feeling in my stomach. I cried nearly ten times today... maybe more. The pain of not having Sam hit me pretty hard. I'm loading Buffy right now. Netflix is being stupid slow. I hated the first 45 minutes or so of group today. I felt so disconnected. I felt... so much self-hate that talking about myself was the last damned thing I wanted to do. I just found out that there is a mandatory retreat July 8-10. I think I'm excited about it. I have felt such deep urges about suicide lately. My entire body is sore from working out with Bekah, which is promising. I might go swimming with Hannah tomorrow. If not I will definitely being doing a sauna suit workout. I am so tired but I want to wait at least three hours before I sleep. I took two ambien last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved it. Gonna take two tonight too. I don't care if I am over doing it. I'd rather sleep through tomorrow than live through it. I am becoming such an awful blogger. Bekah and I reconciled our fight by the way. My memory isn't quite as sharp as it once was. I think it is the medication and that scares me. My memory has always been so vivid and now... OH! Chris had his going away party last night! I wasn't invited or informed of when it was... Michelle went! What a bitch! She didn't even tell me! Or text to ask where I was! I cried so hard I gave myself a panic attack today. Gosh, how could I not recall that immediately? It really hurt. I am not going to speak with either Michelle or Chris. Ignoring Michelle will be easy since she is such a shit friend anyway. She NEVER calls or texts me unless I call/text her first. I'm sick of her. Good giggles, good times, but those times are over now. I sound so childish, I know... Bekah got a new job. I need a new one. I should apply tomorrow. I won't. I have a meeting with my case worker tomorrow. I hope I can get zanex or ativan or something for my anxiety. Fuck. It's only been twenty or so minutes since I looked at the clock.
I miss Sam so much.
It hurts so much to live without him.
I know what I am supposed to do. I know I am supposed to let go of the pain and give it to God but I don't know how. The pain is deep within... and maybe it is just a matter of believing that God actually can take that pain away, that ANYONE can. Cause it is so intense and the medication I am on (though the dosage is stronger now) can't keep the tears and melancholy at bay. Maybe it is just as easy as asking God to take it away from me... and trusting that He will.
No chemical
no amount of whiskey
can take away the wound
you gave when you left me
it grows and deepens
the more I smile
and seem to be alright
but nothing it seems
can comfort me this sad stupid night
no amount of food can fill
all the purging in the world
and starvation to the point of unconsciousness
none of it will bring you back to me
and I am left more broken than before
and this stupid little heart...
beats no more
That was a pretty shitty poem. I will stop making the world a dumber place by filling it will useless information.
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