and the thoughts they come like rain

And here they are. Just as I am trying to find a peace and fall to sleep. I remembered. I remembered what he told me my first day in the hospital... the last  time that I spoke to him. He said, I'm not your best friend. I'm just your first  boyfriend. Fuck that ripped my heart  out. So many times when Michelle was busy being a bitch to me and Sam would stand up  for me and he would tell me to stand up for myself and I was so  afraid to be mean to her because I was so afraid to lose the only friend I have... and he said how he'd always be there for me... I was crying... telling him I was worried because I'm taking a big risk  by not being her friend... that he would be all I have left and I was scared... and it was that night that I wrote her a letter telling what shit friend she had been  and how selfish... it was that night I stood up for myself and crutched heavily on Sam... and he was there to support me and he was... he became my world. He became my best friend. He became my world... God I want him back. I hope this bendryl kicks in soon. I'm watching White Oleander again. Just something to fall asleep too. Every time a thought like that comes into my head... I want to die. I'd rather die than live in a world where I am that forgettable... where I am so easily dismissed and so easily unloved and cast away... how could he do this to me? How could he fall out of love with me? What did I do that was so wrong? Why couldn't he love me any more? What is so wrong with me...? I don't understand...there was nothing I could do to make him keep loving me...I failed at love. I failed. I miss him so much. I don't want  to live like this... today has been very bad... I've been alone all day. Chris called. Only to ask about Michelle. I said welcome to being her real friend -  she won't respond to txts or answer phone calls. I also told him Sam wasn't her biggest fan. That probably wasn't smart. How can Sam care about me so much and not be in love with me any more? I don't understand... how can he just let me go... I don't want this world... I don't belong here.