proofs

The undeniable evidence that I am who I am will be in this entry... like I said... if anyone cares enough to read it... anyone that I know, I mean.
For Valentine's Sam bought me tickets to a show in Austin. A really amazing band that doesn't tour very often. We went to this bookstore in Austin before the show... no... it was the day after... before we left for home. Yeah. We went to this book store downtown called The Book People, which is a really badass place by the way, and if you're ever in Austin, please check it out. It had a bag check, which I'm not used to, but I still loved it. So we're on the second level of this bookstore and there are a lot of glass cases around the place holding cool collector's items, bookends, jewelry and all kinds of stuff. Sam sees these two little scarabs, which are ancient Egyptian beetles, carved of wood and painted a deep emerald green. He asks, as I leave the restroom, "Can you buy me one of those scarabs?" he points to the pair sitting close together at the bottom of this five foot glass case. I immediately say no and ask why and he looks let down. I feel awful because I was being a mean bitch for no reason and I can't stop thinking about the little  bugs and then I ask him Why again. Because they look badass he says and I want them, he modified. I tell him that I can't separate the little pair and Sam smiles that gorgeous happy smile he gets...I find a book seller and ask him to  hold the little bugs for me. He says they're cool little guys and puts them on hold downstairs behind the cashwrap. As we leave  I jokingly say something about the beetles being our babies and it freaks Sam out. That should've been the biggest first sign. He names the beetles Maximilian and Cornelius.
The night he broke up with me, which wasn't even a month later, he walks me out to my car. I sit in the driver's seat, tears filling my eyes and he is looking at me and he looks so full of hope... he looks so sure that he won't be breaking my heart in the end... and he is twirling something in his hands as he is leaning over the open car door. It's one of our scarabs.
A week or  so later, when I was getting some of my stuff form his house, he offered to let me have both of them... and I said no. They can't be together any more because we're not together... 
For some sadistic reason, beyond me and my understanding, I remembered my scarab. He sits next to my keyboard which is on a coffee table next to the foot of my bed... the scarab has been hiding for a few weeks I guess.. and I remembered him... and I picked him up.
Is it really May already? Has Sam been out of love with me  for a month at least...
I hate my life a little more each day.
And this pain only gets worse the more people tell me it gets easier...I can't wait to die.