cigarettes

I just smoked a cigarette in my room. Not too bright. But I wanted one and felt a surge of immortality or something of the sort. I am circulating good smelling candles and oils and I stuffed a towel under my door before the act. I am 24 and should be able to kill myself with a cancer stick if I so please in my own room! However, I live with my parents. An insufferable circumstance which I am everyday in the process of fixing. I even have my window open. I NEVER  open the window... I kind of like it. I live on a corner  so I hear cars passing and crickets singing to each other. I just watched The Big Kahuna. Good movie. Sam loved it. He saw it right when he met me... if not just after we met. It has greatly influenced his life... but in a really good way. I think it is going to influence mine. Sam always said that if you're the same person leaving a relationship as you were going in, then it was a waste of time. I may smoke and drink still but I feel changed. My heart is broken in a very deep way that it has never been before but that is not the only change. I am different...He's different. My God did I help him grow. So ignorant. So intolerant. So right all the time. So ...  judgmental. He's not any more. He's very loving. Enormously kind. Giving. Sweet. He does his best to listen... And I hope every day that he will come back. That we will marry. But I know it won't happen. It just won't. My heart will always break when I think of him. Even if I am in California. My heart will  break, even in L.A. And I told him I wish him the best and he deserves a woman he loves... a love he won't question like he did mine... And I deeply hope that for him... I wish it could be me... but it just can't. And don't think I type this without crying... without pain... it's here. It's consuming... I miss him  and the depression will still eat away at me every day. But everyday I work to find a life of my own. I don't know if I will ever love again. I don't think I will. I don't want to. I don't think there is a man suited for me the way Sam was... And I'm okay with that. It's weird but I'd rather never love again than sell my love short. It was a deep all consuming love. And I think love is beautiful and I am happy for those who have it and I have a different kind of love with my family and it's beautiful too... I just don't want ... when you've had the man of your dreams and he isn't convinced that you're right together... you  gotta find a new dream. A dream all your own with no one else in it. A dream of yourself. For yourself. I wish I could leave tomorrow. God I wish I could. I am already thinking of the things I need to take with me... feeling let down that the Lakers are out of the playoffs... haha. The smells of coconut and the shoreline are filling my room, which is good because about twenty minutes ago it reeked of cigarette. I know who I want to be and I know God will keep  me true to the person He wants me to be... I do feel I need to leave. I don't want anything to hold me here any longer than I need to be...Nine months never seemed so long... I say nine because at the end of nine I will be done with my recovery church group. I will have enough money and I will be ready to start the new season of my life. I need a new job for the time being. My stupid job isn't cutting it and I know... I know I should have left a long time ago. I got lazy and comfortable. I'm loading a new movie  on netflix... and  I'm sending back The Big Kahuna before I have a chance to change my mind... I want to own it. I think I will buy it. I'm loading a film about the fashion industry and the affects it has had on what woman feel  pressured to be.... it's called America the Beautiful. Let you know how it turns out. Still haven't eaten anything. :)

I just reached 100 page views today. Thank you to everyone, anyone who reads this. I really appreciate it. I hope what I have to say brings you some sort of comfort or whatever emotion you may need.