I binged again today. Recovery group was good. I admitted my binging and purging. I hope ... I don't know what I hope really. I hope I get better? I hope I can get thinner. I truly do. I want to be better so that when I go to L.A. I am ready for the world of hurt I am getting myself into. I also felt really encouraged to play my guitar. My pointer nail is so screwed up right now so I'm hesitant to play guitar with it cracked in half. I'm loading a film on my netflix called Disfigured. It is about anorexia. I hope it's good. I've eaten so terrible today. I was gonna work out with Hannah but she spazed. When Sam bought me this City and Colour album for Christmas, I thought, "What a shame I won't get super into it... because I have no reason to be sad any more." I cried about him quite a few times today. I couldn't stop thinking about him this morning. I have that horrible pain in my chest right now... God it's been gone for such a long time. I think it's because I want to purge... I won't. I must suffer the consequences of my binge. I will starve tomorrow. And thinking about Sam...
the darkness grows inside me
when I sleep
it found it's place deep within my chest
some few months ago
and never left
it deepens
it widens
and takes my will to live right with it
my worth
my love
my want for a new life
without it
this darkness
this abyss
inside the very core of me
it sleeps for me and weakens me to bed rest
I can't move and it leaves me breathless
this darkness within me
it consumes
making me a nothing
leaving me to fill it with filth
leaving me to starve it out
this pain is mine
few understand
even fewer try to
this darkness consumes me...
this darkness becomes me
"purgeless"
I haven't written a poem in a long time.Months. Weird. I'm so afraid of my recovery group. I'm so afraid to be healed because I've been damaged my whole life. It's what I know. Sad and pathetic as that is... I feel so sick... from all the food I ate :( I'm already having the mia side effects: bloating and constipation and constant dizziness. I think this blog is just about at the too damn long length.
unfortunately... I feel the purge coming... :/
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