Wow. A lot has happened. Well, not really maybe it feels like I just haven't written in awhile... my grandpa was taken into the hospital this past weekend and he had surgery today. We were at the hospital all day. Me and my family. Grandpa is okay. It was really scary thinking that these are going to be some of the last times I have with him. I'm glad I got to be there. I'm glad I got to spend that kind of time with my parents and my family. I miss my family.
Last night, I went over to a co-workers house for a shindig and the cute guy who is leaving for the summer was there. I got wasted. And I stayed under 500 cals for the day so... I threw up. Big time. Real sexy, I know. On the bright-side, I text him now haha but I am so awkward that... yeah, nothing will ever happen. And I'm still way too in love with Sam to even really function around men. They're not him. They never will be. And right now... no one and nothing is good enough. So naturally, in my drunken and terrified state - there was one other female than me at this party... it was so stupid to be there. It's asking to get raped. Anyway, so I panicked and called my step-brother, David, I called Michelle. Michelle's boyfriend. David said he was sending help... but I called Sam anyway. I called him about four or five times to no avail. I texted him like crazy asking if he was dating that skank from work, only I used her name. I told him to ignore me. I told him I miss him. I love him. And then asked if he changed his number and I was texting no one... I apologized and begged him to ignore me. I hate my life. My step-mom and dad ended up picking me up from the party. My step-mom drove my car home. I got sick when I got home again. My step-mom gave me plenty of water. I showered. And she made me food because she was reading how to prevent a hangover and something online (probably yahoo answers) said to eat fatty foods. Awesome. I was so drunk and dehydrated. I scarfed the sausage and mustard wrap she made me. And I kept it down. My embarrassment level is quite beyond mortified for that evening. I have never thrown up like that in front of people... well... not in front of the opposite gender anyway haha. None of them were in the slightest bit attractive, except for whats-his-nuts and he was SO not interested... which is fine. He did talk about his ex though... his 3 1/2 yr ex... he says he misses her all the time... everyday :( He broke up with her. He said she was an amazing person but... he felt pressured to marry her and he doesn't want that... and there were other things she wanted him to not do involving his career, which was irrational on her part... I would've never held Sam back. He might've been holding me back... but as long as I had his love... life was beautiful. Even if I lived an ordinary and painfully normal life, I would have had him and that would have been worth living for. I would have made a family with him and I would have had so much love and happiness... Now I have nothing. I have nothing but me and my relationship with God and the life He is carving out for me. Pulling me towards things I have always felt I was supposed to do... I might fail and make an ass of myself and put myself deep into debt... but I have to try. I'm a good actress, always have been... and I have to do this... it's almost like I'm supposed too.
Have you ever seen a man so dashing?
No comments:
Post a Comment