crying in public

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

I've been drinking. Took my ambien. I know I am over doing it with this song. My case worker saw me today. I will apologize now, for the typos I miss. She has been like blah blah you'll find someone better. Whatever, beesh. You've never met .... holy shit I started typing his real  name. Thnk God I caught it. Ive said his  name so many times it rolls off the tongue  so well. I went out with Bekah tonight and cried over margarita number two. I want to binge so bad.  But if I take a car anywhere I will end up with a smoking engine, a court date and a suckfest. Hannah is pissed at me and Bekah. *shrug* Bekah feels the way I do about her now - human poison. I started talking to Chris's sister. Maybe she will invite me over to smoke out. I'm so there. I've had a chance to smoke weed at a shindig this past weeekend and it was goooooood shit but I didn't feel comfortable in front of Bekah and Hannah. They'd be like *shrug* it's your choice but deep down I'd feel like I let them down. I talked to Chris. Made him feel bad for not texting me. Still no word from Michelle. Bitch. I miss Sam so much... fuck talking about him today was murder. I had the chest contractions, wishing I would die while I surpressed the urge to cry. Like I said some month or so ago, suicide is ALWAYS on the table. I could put a bag over my head and call it a life tonight. God he was good to me. I miss his scent the most. I hope he feels it tonight. The deep pain. I hope he misses me to the point of tears.  I can't live without him and I fucking refuse to.

Sweet my mom just got home. I gonna binge. Even if I take my car that has a donut on it. I don't care about jail right now. All I care about  it a jr bacon cheeseburger and whatever I can afford from Jack in the Snack. Yes. I know what I said. Yes, I know I have a problem.



*I know I haven't posted thinspo. I haven't felt worthy. I've gained 5lbs. I will soon. The desire to be thin will be back. It's still here. I just feel too worthless for Ana.