If I had the scripts... I wouldn't be here any more. I've been in a wretched mood all  day. A deep seeping melancholy that cannot fade... all day I have had to deal with "How are you?" "Are you okay?" All I've wanted all day is to die... and I can't get that yet. I also ate today. What a loser. And it wasn't even at work. I ate at home. I'm usually so strong when I'm home. I've cried all day. This morning when I woke up. When I drove to work. When I got to work. During work. After work. When I got home. In the shower. Just now... I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe he  left me. I never thought it would happen. Michelle bailed on Chris's birthday... what a jackass. She spread herself too thin mainly because she wants to be around her new niece. I don't get it. I wanted kids, but they would have been my own... that idea feels different ... The pain is deep today. I wonder if it is because my cycle just started and my hormones are out of balance... I don't know but it feels like my medication doesn't work now. I've felt really sad since I missed a dose on Wednesday... I just want to die... I fantasize about the best way to do it. Or where to go... Do I see Sam for the last time...? Do I risk it? I tried  killing myself again last night.  I slashed up my wrists pretty good and I  had the blade to my throat...I would have been dead so fast. My nephew spent the night though. I didn't want to  ruin his life by him finding me just having ended mine. That girl, Minerva, from last night told me that when you go through that stuff ... break-up stuff, you realize how  many other people have gone through it and how many people have been there... and that's not comforting.Why does she [and everyone else] think it is comforting to say that? I have to wear long sleeves for a week or two when I'm at the house. No one will notice at work - or they won't ask. Justin is back to his pathetic puppy self who tries to get me to be his friend... I don't like it. It feels horrible... just like my life before Sam...only my life is worse now  because I know  what life is like with Sam...God if I could take one thing, just one thing back in life, I would not have seen Jake that night... I would've went to see Terry because she needed  me and I abandoned her. I made the wrong choice. I chose to see a guy I used to have feelings for... I made the biggest mistake of my life that night. The night I kissed Jake is the night I signed an eventual death certificate for me and Sam's budding romance.  As our love grew,  and he forgave me for the indiscretion, however I will never forget when I brought tears to his eyes when he thought about how that night so tainted  our love ...I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. I can't. Because who I was... who I am deep down... is a woman Sam would spend the rest  of his life with...I've been clouded and dirtied by this world and made disgusting by my  stupid decisions that ended me and the man of my dreams... God I miss him. I think I  will see him  before I kill myself. Yes. I will go to his work, smelling of his favorite fragrance, on a day I know he is working... I will go see him. Make eye contact... and smile. And then leave. He will be confused. He might even be scared. But I will get to see his sweet face one more time. I might even take the pills in the car outside his work... I hear they are fast acting. I can't wait to die. I hope I can be  thin enough by the time I get my scripts. 

My computer is running to slow to post pictures. I will post thinspo later tonight.