ready

I am so ready to die. I had strange dreams about flying over the beach front... of  trying to fall  from the sky but I couldn't. Of a place that was a hotel in Vegas but it was really gross and abandoned. A world beyond this one... a fallout world. A wasteland and only a few of us remained... I was lucky enough to have my family. To know a few people. I didn't have Sam. In my dream he was distant life.  And in my dreams  I had a deep sadness for my loss of him... And I had a dream where I was with him... I just can't remember it. I slept too much. I wanted to sleep all  day. I hate being alive. I hate that all I have of Sam are memories and dreams.. I can't believe he has been reduced to a fantasy. And the daily tears pour out. I can't believe that he'll never come up  from behind me when I'm cooking him dinner, and sweep the my hair from my neck and kiss me gently on the nape of my neck... I don't want to live in a world where he does that to someone else... I don't want this life... I can't wait to end it. I'm afraid... of when I see him  at work he might get scared and call security or something... I'm scared that it won't go the way I want like last time... but I don't want this life. I hope they prescribe me zanex for my anxiety. Or anything really. Anything other than benadryl... because that's what they were giving me in the hospital. It didn't really work. I can't just be happy that I had a great love and move on in my life... I don't want that. I don't want a life without him in it. I don't want it. It's like I can't breathe when I think of  that. I can't breathe and my chest gets tight. I don't want to be like Michelle or Hannah or Bekah and have four or five different boyfriends... I don't want that.  I never wanted that. I just wanted one. I never settled, granted everyone always leaves me... but I'm glad they did because I  got Sam... and he was everything I've ever wanted... everything I ever wanted and was convinced didn't exist... and then he shows up and he makes my world right. And I ruined it. I ruined it. I ruined my happiness. I hate myself. Fuck! I wish I had those pills. I could end it today. At least my mum can have one more Mother's day with me. I need to write a very detailed letter telling her that this isn't her fault. She is going to blame herself. You know what I think is stupid? Those crisis hotlines... I just thought about it yesterday but why do they have those? If someone, like me, really wants to end their life N O T H I N G some volunteer says on a suicide hotline it going to change my mind. What ass-hole calls those hotlines anyway? People who want attention that's what. Crazies. At least I'm hungry. That's something. My fat sister-in-law asked me what I was doing to lose weight because she noticed I have. And I said, not eating. Haha. I said, well I don't eat that much and when I do it's fruit or veggies and I only drink water. She must've thought what I said was craziness. I guess she thought I had some get slim quick trick. Haha yeah her name is ana. I haven't cried this hard since before I went to the hospital. I haven't felt this sad since before I went to the hospital. I would say that it's scary because I feel like I should think that but the truth is... I don't care. I truly don't. I want to die and it's my choice and no one can stop me as long as I look and act normal and that is what I plan to do for as long as I need too... no one is at my house right now which is why I could just cry. I only need  to be awake for like six or  seven more hours and then I can go back to sleep without rousing suspicions about my mental health. I want to tan outside so my body can look better (a tan makes everyone look better) but I can't listen to the music we used to listen  to. Especially, my favorite summer time band - Minus the Bear. I got him into that band... They are coming here in June and he bought us tickets. He will probably be taking that stupid girl I know he hangs out with all the time. He will go and pick her up. He will mapquest where the place is so that he looks like he knows where he is going. He will go with her and have a great time. And he will not miss me. And he will  wish he had left me a long time ago so that he could already be closer with his new girl... I hate my life. I want him back. Why does everyone think I am so strong? I hate hearing it, You're such a strong girl, Emma. Fuck even Sam told me that when I called him when I was in the hospital. They don't know me if they think that. I miss him so much. I hate this life this pain this crushing crushing pain that I feel with my wet eyes and my absent heart and my breath gets shorter ...and I can't hold my breath long enough to stop the tears...