stupid stupid girl

Today, during recovery, I thought to myself, "I haven't felt that pain deep in my heart lately... I forgot what it feels like... I wish I had that pain again." Well, I'll just go fuck myself now because it is back and I  remembered why I was honest with my doctor... I was honest about my anxiety attacks mainly because I  wanted zanex, but also because they were severe and crippling. All I can do is cry. I've just sobbed on my bed a few minutes ago. I haven't sobbed since before the hospital... I've taken my ambien. I've already called dibs on Hannah's zanex. I  want to die. This pain. This crying. This agony. I don't want it. I  just want my Sam back. I thought I had given up  hope. I thought I resigned to that flicker of a flame of hope that will burn forever somewhere in the back of my mind. It's as though someone has just squeezed lighter fluid over that small blue flame and the fire and pain is consuming all of me... I think I will binge and purge. That way I can eat, lose weight and kill myself all at once... I think the ambien is kicking in... I've read back on my entries where the ambien kicks in and there are a lot  of misspelling and typos and I find that embarrassing, yet I'd feel full of shit if I corrected those ambien induced typos. If that makes any sense...sleep now.