the hunger begins

So I have only consumed about 500 calories today so I'm pretty proud  of myself. I will be chugging water for the rest of the evening. I worked out with my sauna suit today and wow! There was so much sweat. Today has been good depression wise. Probably because I worked out. I have been getting increasingly into Matthew Gray Gubler. Saw two of his movies this past week. The Great Buck Howard (which he is in for  the last ten seconds haha) and How to Be a Serial Killer. Both were really good. The Great Buck Howard was amazing. Very inspiring. I need to get to L.A. but I  know I need a new car first. And a new job before that. *sigh* Everyone wants me to go back to school. I don't want to. There is no need. I just feel that it is pointless right now. I will try L.A. first and if that fails then I will attend  school. School is a fallback. I'm smart. I know I can do the whole school thing if I need to. School is easy. Life is more challening... I know if I lived in L.A. right now was waiting tables for a living and going on auditions every week, that I would be happy. That would make me happy. It truly would. I'd be acting. I'd be trying. I'd have my own life the way that I want it with no one to interfere. I love my family. I do. But I need to live for me. I  never have. Ever. And going to L.A. ... that's all me. Everyone tells me no. Everyone tells me it will be hard. Harder than anything I've ever done  before but I believe in myself and my talent. I just need to work hard and save money to get where I want to be. I also need to lose weight. I won't like the roles I would have to audition for... not at this weight. *sigh* I know it will take time. It will take time to get a new car too. And to save enough money. But I have to focus on the now. The day to day. The way to get to where I need to be. I will do this. I have to.