thoughts from a girl: suicide stuffs

Sunday, May 29, 2011

suicide stuffs

I can't help but trying to find a way to die. I hate my life a lot. Not the people... just me and the lack of life in my life. The fact that there is nothing that makes my life special and different. That I owe so much money and have no way of making it... the fact that I so desperately would rather be waiting tables in LA and going on auditions and getting rejected only to go on a hundred more auditions only to get rejected, because at least then, I'd be trying. Nothing makes my life that... nothing makes it special or worth living...I had that in Sam. Something ordinary, yet rare and my life was to be rejoiced with him playing a role in it. I heard some male friends talking about a girl. One of them was saying, how he was trying to make this girl his only girl and his girlfriend... he said, "she's worth all the bullshit." It's just crazy how... Sam used to feel that way about me. Gosh if I have any daily readers, they must really hate every time Sam's name is mentioned haha. I've already taken my ambien. Nothing interesting has happened. I went to the river on Saturday, we barbequed after. Today I went to the pool with Hannah, and my family made hamburgers when I got home. That was nice. Then me and my momma went to get milkshakes for everyone. It's been a pretty awesome Sunday, actually. I'm getting a pretty good tan going, too. It's pretty awesome. Bekah is gonna start working out with me. She is in crazy good shape, so this should be interesting. I hope she can help me lose at least 40lbs this summer. I'd still be overweight by the end of it but I'd look a lot better and feel a lot better, being 40lbs lighter. She works out H A R D, so ... we'll see. She's gonna be monitoring what I eat when she's around too, so again, this should be interesting. I'm scared/excited. Well, the ambien is begging me to sleep now. I'm either gonna get thin or die trying.