I finally got my car back... well that is, I got a new battery for my car so now it runs. I love that car... me and Sam made love in the back seat. It was the first time in a car for the both of us...It's weird to think that those are my memories... I feel like when I tried to kill myself that I did die. A part of me died forever... the part of me that he was in love with. The depression hurts right now. Caffeine kept me chipper today. I needed it. I only got four hours of sleep... maybe less. I didn't get to sleep around 6am ish. The insomnia is back. I had it really bad before Sam. I slept so good, when I got to thank God for giving me Sam... thank God for making him just for me... and for letting me feel that love. I think I will have another cigarette in my room. I don't care that I shouldn't smoke in my room... I will find a way to make the smoke smell get out... I like smoking. It's the only way I am aloud to kill myself and make sure I get it right... it just takes a long time... I still want to go to L.A. I still want my new car. I still want to go alone. I still need to do that. I will be calling that stupid place that was supposed to refill my scripts... yeah... I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. A cute guy from work is leaving for the summer and there is gonna be a get together at another co-worker's house. I hope I can make some sort of wonderful mistake. If only to distance myself from Sam. Those people usually have good stuff other than booze so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. Chris is gone for training. I want to binge so badly... I'm still hungry. I am such a fat sack of shit. I disgust myself. I will probably post later. Because I don't know if I will sleep tonight.
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