Oh, Dallas Green your voice rips through the very center of me... making my pain exquisite and beautiful in every ounce of agony.
I called into work today. I woke up around 7am and started trying to get my shift covered. No such luck. Didn't care. I called in anyway. I starved all day until 7pm ish. I binged. And then I purged. Hard. I started getting dizzy. And the vomit started getting acidic and bitter, like stomach bile, so I stopped. I'm so not hungry right now but I want to binge again. Fuck, I turned my weight management into a real problem. I can't stop though. I want to be thin. Since the purge, I've had two Mexican lollipops and a fiber one bar because... yeah. I slept most of the day. See when I woke up at 7am, I took another Ambien. I know. I'm over doing it. But if living through everyday was a burden to you, I'm sure you would be trying to sleep through it, too. I go to the river tomorrow. I'm excited because I will be getting more tan so that means I will LOOK thinner. A tan makes everyone look better. That's why all of Hollywood has just a kiss of honey on their skin. My heart started aching during the purge. And now my ribs hurt. My throat started giving out too, but I had more purging to do. I worked out for a little under an hour with the sauna suit so I got a good sweat going. Took a freezing cold shower. Also, I had two cigarettes today. One in my room so it's off limits again haha. Would it be too Debbie Downer to bring my City and Colour album along for the road-trip? I'm gonna take it anyway. My vision is getting a bit blurry. I'm gonna drink heavily tomorrow and probably binge heavily. I just hope I can get home in time to purge. Those Mexican lollipops are addictive. I'm gonna have another. Know what's cool? The word gonna is no longer considered misspelled. I'm gonna try to workout in the morning before we go to river... and after I purge tomorrow I am going to try to work out then too. I just want to be thin, and starving isn't an option when you're around the same group of people for over eight hours. Well, this episode of Buffy is almost over - I knocked out the first season in two days. I'm on season two now. Then I will watch my Sandra Bullock flick, 28 Days... try to wrap my head around the message that I know is important... Alright.... That's all for tonight.
OH! Before I forget! My page got 37 hits today and I felt so proud! Haha! Thanks for caring, thanks for reading, it warms my heart in the best way. And for those of you who comment, I very much appreciate it. Makes me feel like this blog isn't a waste. If anyone can relate in anyway, then there is a good reason why I am doing this, even if it feels like depressing ramblings to me. So thanks! 200+ pageviews and growing!
And on a much sadder level of being, a level that not even the articulate Dallas Green can soothe with his sad word songs and acoustic guitar... today, May 27, would've been Sam's and mine two year anniversary. This night last year, everything had gone wrong with our trip to the beach... but at least we had each other...we got ourselves through it. We loved each other. We showered together in one of those horrible motel 6 shower stalls that is built for someone 5'5 and 100lbs. Sam was quite fit and thin but ... I'm another story. But we made it work. :) We loved each other and made it work. I miss him. I miss his embrace. His curly hair. His smile. His voice. His smell. His kindness. His sensitivity. His innocence... God I will miss him so much. I hate that I have to go through all this pain. Happy Anniversary, Handsome Man... I hope you're having a good night and you can think of me just once... God let his miss me at least once today. Cause I miss him all day every day...let him miss kissing me. Talking to me and seeing me... let him miss us... Please, God... so that I know I'm not crazy for loving him still.
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