I cried today at work for nearly a solid ten minutes. I just thought about how he told me that he didn't love me any more... I want to cry just thinking it now... I miss him so much. It hurts so much... my chest tightens and my legs quiver underneath me. My breath gets jagged and the blood bursts just barely inside my skin making my body go all hot... then the pain in my heart comes... that dreadful and debilitating pain that crushes my whole heart... the one that is worst than anything in the world... the one that I am convinced feels like a dagger being pierced right through my chest...I have that right now. And he's fine. He's doing just fine at work flirting and chatting away and not caring for a second that he broke my heart and not missing me at all. Not loving me any more... I'm just another ex-girlfriend on his list...just another girl to tell stories about how annoying I was and how glad he is to not be with me any more... I miss him. God I'd do anything to get him back in my life... perhaps God will show me mercy soon... because every minute of this is complete agony and the only thing that makes sense is to end it all...
It's Chris's birthday tonight. I'm gonna finish smoking the cigarettes that I have and then I am done... I'm not going to do it any more unless ana needs me too. And I think I'm better than that. I did eat like a fucking cow today though. I had a salad at work and a chalupa after work. And a pina colada. Guh. I'm so gross. I'm prolly gonna have a drink at Chris's thing tonight. I'm prolly gonna purge it though. I worked out for an hour again today. I hate that I ate though. I'd be thinner if I didn't eat. I'm gonna fast tomorrow. Me and my ana buddy. Thank God for her, truly. She keeps me motivated.
The sadness is getting to me and I have to get ready for Chris's thing...
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