In the part of the country where I live, it never gets below 80 dergrees once the end of April passes. It has been at record breaking all the time lows for the beginning of May. It will be this way for three days.
I have once again lost the will to live. Sam has been on my mind so much today. All day. I'm not going to the beach any more. Too soon. I don't know if I like the beach any more. The last time I was there was approximately a year ago... on our one year anniversary. My heart hurts. My soul aches. I've cried quite bit today and ... it's like the anti-depressant tells my heart that it can't be hurt and it's okay to think about him. But I'm not. And as soon as my heart catches up to my brain and realizes it has been thinking of Sam... the tears come and the pain is a deafening radiation all over my body. I love this weather... I wish the sunny skies of this city would disappear because the cloudy cold weather is the world my heart lives in. It's a comfort that the earth is as sad as I am. That this unnatural coldness has descended upon the city because everything feels so unnatural and wrong about him not being in my life. I'm getting so sick of calling him Sam by the way...I won't reveal his name though. He was too good to me when he was in love with me to do something that cruel. The physical pain is inside my heart again. It breaks again everyday. How long until nothing of it is left?
I've had nothing but Bolthouse Farms Green Goddess smoothie and watermelon all day (except a few crackers). I've been doing really good on that front. It's weird... as hungry as I am... I have no desire to eat. It as though the mechanical feature of eating makes me feel more empty and alone. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong today...
The photos are as follows... thinspo...A cold day in New Hampshire a few days ago that the gorgeous man who's photo proceeds below tweeted... he looks a lot like Sam. Complete strangers tell him on a daily basis.
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