fattitude

So I ate like a fucking cow today. My day got off to an awful start and I'm only okay right now because for the past five or so hours I have been taking in the show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It's amazing. It's flawless. It only ran for one season? Sometimes America is stupid and that saddens me. Missing the mark with Studio 60 only running one season is just as sad as Freaks and Geeks running only one season... and if you don't know what that means... for the love of God open up Wikipedia and learn yo'self foo! Anyway... that's a little of the non-depressed me coming out... she's delightful and Sam begged her to be a stand-up comedian and the only reason I consider that is because I'm a writer, I'm moderately funny when I tell jokes and not ask for the laugh (thank you Studio 60 for making the clarification because I'm pretty sure it might make me a better writer/comedian/actress), and it's the easiest (and it's not easy at all) way to break into "show business." On that note... let's take it back  down to the notch this blog is amped on... depression. My car wouldn't start last night when I went out with Chris Michelle and Justin. Yes I know I'm not using commas, but at this point they are just slowing me down. So! I took my mom's car instead, pathetic that I'm 24 and live with my parents, I know it, stop thinking it. She happens to conveniently be out of work so I can borrow her car tomorrow and although I only have 10$ to my name and I DESPERATELY need to close lunch tomorrow morning I can't because my nephew is turning six years old tomorrow and my mom agreed to spend the day with him which would be sweet if I didn't have to run the errands that will enable me to one day be an actress. What the hell could that be, you're asking! Well, that would be running to a FedEx and printing an application and filling it out so that I can get a hourly waged job at around 10.50+ an hr as full time with benefits at a smoothie place so that I can save enough money to pay off my medical  bills which are currently at >$2,500 and counting, save enough money for at least a $5,000 down payment for a new Nissan Juke AWD red with the SL package so that I can have a safe, reliable car to take me to California where a friend lives and I can crash on his couch. Which I haven't asked him about yet because I deleted my Facebook account because of the yeah... I want this done by November. Well, I want it done by tomorrow but I'm not rich, my credit is ass, and my parents have shit credit too. So yeah... super fuck. Also... the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with left me. Did I mention that? Because that's why this whole blog started in the first place. He told me he wasn't in love with me any more and I couldn't live with that and I  mean REALLY couldn't live with it so the whole suicide thing happened. Fuck, I couldn't even get that right. I know, the joke has been done but c'mon. When you're suicidal... and you try and fail... the handful of artists who attempt, we have to scoff at ourselves, just a little. And with that I said, with a full and hurting and disgusting stomach... I started my 3 day fast because while I am saving money for LA I need to get the rest of me ready for a city full of rejection spray on tans and fake tits... I need to lose like 90 lbs if I want to even be considered for any part... in anything. So I'm fasting tomorrow till Friday morning. And I'm logging in a minimum of an hour of workout time. Here's the daily skinny, and expect a post later, after the sleeping pills have been ingested and the suicidal thoughts come back with vengeance.