Army Corps of Architects

listening to Army Corp of Architects by Death Cab for Cutie

I forgot to take my anti-depressant today. My insides are full  of hurt. Not from  hunger. God I wish I was hungry. Being hungry feels  good. I have to remember that tomorrow. No. I'm feeling the hurt of being without Sam deeply right now.  I think I have my family convinced that I will be okay. I still cry every day though. Every time I hear a car door close outside, proceeded by a honk of an alarm set... I hope. Hope and pray that it is him. That he has come back. I think I want to change his ringtone back to what it was when he was mine... just in case he calls...it was such a cute song... "Trouble" by NeverSayNever... silly, I know but a little emo girl who was a part of my book club LOVED him and I happen to hear that song and though it was adorable... I've taken  three benadryl to fall asleep. Didn't work last night. Hope it works tonight. I have work tomorrow. I feel like I am waiting for him to come over... I  feel like that every day. That I  am waiting for him to come over and make my world right again... to cook  him dinner, to kiss his lips, to feel his embrace and to smell his intoxicating and completely unique scent that somehow I can't really remember...to  hear his laugh...to see his smile... to make love to him... to hold his hand during a movie... to have him call  me beautiful and to think I'm  something worth having... the last two years of my life were  so much bliss... my life is poison now... no one wants to be around me because I'm too sad to be around... no one invites me out.  No one wants to be with sad sack me... God I want ana to be enough... and it  is when I am strong enough... I ate a  pickle today and a few bites of dinner. I felt like such a failure. I hate this life. I miss my Sam so  much... I miss that he was my best friend who I could tell anything and everything too... I miss him all day every day and I can't believe it's over because I never thought it would end... and now I'm just like everyone else... alone. single. miserable. I need to get the money for those scripts next week. I don't want this life without him. Nothing makes this life worth it for me... nothing...God will forgive me for what I must do...

Give him back, God...

please...

please give him back to me...

I promise to love myself. I  promise to be good to myself...

please give him back to me...  I can't live like this...  show me mercy