Must be somethin'

New Person. New Feels.

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

I wish you would...

I can't help the way my head turned and stared,
my guilty ears
having heard your voice
I was captivated
There was something there
Like nothing else
and I was gone
I see the flakes of our existence
Burn into the embers of who we could be
____________________________________


Broken pieces of
who I might have been
bleed together and burn my eyes
my heart in its oblivion
not ready for something so honest
so much like myself
and so different
to be understood so completely
my words
your lips
and we feel everything
in the same moment ...
just not for one another
spells cast in the wrong direction
making us the same forever

Same horrible shit in another decade

I would have bet good money I was over this. But this rain is relentless and I found a way to convince people that its okay for me to have an eating disorder. I'm vegan. Also, I found another way to ruin my life. Develope new feelings for a friend that is the same sex and one who is the opposite sex while knowing full well that both will reject you. I guess I'm bisexual...? I don't know. But I know I fucked up. I must have been too stoked to see one of them one day because I've already gotten inadvertently rejected. "I don't hookup with my friends." Cool. Solid. Probably really fucking smart. Not said to me because I made a move, but said to prevent me from making one.
I'm smoking again. Have been since before Christmas.
It's so weird to have people pretend to care that I am getting enough to eat. Because I'm still massive. Scales don't lie.

I bet my friend's stalker reads this what with being so clever with hacking. Hi fucker! They still hate you. And will forever.

Elliot Smith is so dope.

Here's some lame poetry.

Not so different
you're all so confident
and the same
worshipping at the same temple of sleaze
wanting more than you deserve
claiming desires for compassion
and the need to be understood
but it's all a clever guise
designed to conceal and hide
you're garbage and you know it
unable to change your tricks
you remain cold and loveless
...or maybe I'm just an over sensitive idiot

Unfortunate weeknd

Listening to: The Weeeknd Starboy 

I think I just realized... I might be a psychopath... or a sociopath. I mean... maybe... I don't care about myself one bit... but I know how to make people care about me... and I feel myself repeating patterns that cause people to stick around. Maybe just learned behavior from being a little one? I'm not sure. A forced behavior learned from being in an abusive relationship? Maybe. I don't know. I do know I don't like this feeling. Thinking about deleting this blog. *shrug* we shall see.

one more time around the block

Day Old Hate - City & Colour

I starved on Wednesday. Like a good old fashioned starving. I had to weigh in on Thursday morning and knew I hadn't lost a pound. So... old tricks and what not. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. I was so stoked. These results awakened a sleeping giant. If I have only 200 cals every day and lose 2 lbs a day then in 50 days I will be thin. Fuck, a month would even work. I want to try this until I get to a more manageable weight. I know it's fucked, I know it's crazy, I know it's unhealthy. But I am so desperately sick of looking the way that I do. I have a number in my head, that I will quit at. The hunger hurts, fuck I know, but starving works. Fiona had a point. I am only going to eat when I am around people. So that means today and tomorrow I should be able to lose at least 4 lbs. Tomorrow I am going to the school library all day and I am going to get ahead of my assignments. When I did this last time, I was able to stave off hunger for a long time. I hate that I am this way. I hate being fat much much more. I have never been thin. Never. And I am fucking sick of it.

Me and my boyfriend are great. He is severely depressed. I don't know how to help him. He despises western medicine. All I can do is love him and be there for him.
This is the first time I have heard Turning Page, and felt a since of love and dewiness about anyone. I feel it about Dexter. God... I really fell for him. That feels ... amazing. Thank God for the silver lining.

those collar bones tho...

the epitome of American beauty

if this is fake I don't care

looks like a different person

yikes

poly-no-amory

Confessions - City and Colour

Yeah, well when you find the right muse, you tend to retreat to it from time to time. I have recently felt as though the gift for words had ultimately abandoned me. I read back to when I was miserable and alone a lot of the time and realized no, indeed it had not left but instead it hides in me and takes great emotion to fetch it out. My muse lives inside the tormented and articulate soul of Dallas Green. God bless his talent. Truly.
Pardon the unfunny and hopelessly unwitty title of this blog but yeah... I am in a poloamourous relationship and tonight, as my previous entry detailed, he will be giving a back massage to a person he used to fuck. I don't think expletives are inarticulate, by the way, but rather a beautiful and necessary pepper to life. Moving on. Yeah. So that sits a bit weird with me because his exes usually turn up looking for some quick dick and he is too wonderfully silly hopeful and kind to see their flimsy excuse for seeing him as the dick lure that it is. The one night stand, wham bam thank you ma'am that they all do to him. I would love to pretend that I care about him getting hurt but I really fucking don't. When I act as though I am upset that someone fucked him and never called him back I have morphed my "that's what you fucking get" attitude into concern and cooing and "my baby deserves better" talk. So yeah... I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not a fucking polyamorist and I think it is stupid and bullshit and most polys are just really fucking ugly people who are only poly because if they werent they would never get laid. That's just my small minded opinion.
That said. Dexter is handsome. Wonderful. Kind. Beautiful. And I don't want to share him any more. And yes, I will be keeping this to myself. Unhealthy, maybe? Necessary? Absolutely. If he should ever get the notion to propose, I would have to decline. I adore this beast and I absolutely will not share him. That is not what marriage is to me. Are we that serious? I don't know, probably not. But it is good to have this back-up plan just in case. I love him. I would love to be with him long-term and possibly forever. But I am perfectly fine with him being this beautiful creature that I was honored to spend some time with in my late twenties.

I am a terrible fucking person. And I love the word fuck, so fucking deal with it.

It's all in your head, but so is everything

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

As soon as I wrote down how much I loved him, I knew I would regret it. It costs too much to love. God, I hope I remember that, later. His hands on someone else makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Seriously. Jesus Christ. Who am I kidding. I should have just kept starving and running like fucking always getting the results that pay off. Starving. Caffeinating. Smoking. Running. Fuck all.

The Fear - Lily Allen

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner
I am an angry little plump hopping bird. Fuck all. Here's to pharmaceuticals.
This is a terrible entry. My deepest apologies to my non-existent readers. 

Monica, blow out the candles...

"Let it Be me" Ray LaMontagne & "Once I Was" Tim Buckley
I can't remember what this title was supposed to be about. Just a girl. An anecdote to years spent hence the candles... how long has it been... since a coffin made of hospital bed. How long? How long? Indeed has it been that long...? Since a girl... A Magnificent girl, Monica. She shown a light. She taught me how. She showed me. She grew me. She gave me this sweater I am wearing. God. Wow. She changed my life. Even if she didn't... she did though.
Even if she didn't, she did though.
Even if she didn't she did though.
Monica you princess amongst mankind. If you have passed, I would be a wreck. Please please live on. Please please please have gotten better. The shake it gave you... God tell me it was enough. I hope you're here. Some two thousand miles away. Let you be ... God let you be living...