I worked out for the first time in months today which is awesome because I really needed it. My knee is so fucked up... it's really sad. All the muscle I spent my whole life building, has deteriorated. When I used the machine that makes your knees do little curls, with the cushion in front of the knees, it could barely lift 15lbs. I was doing 50-75lbs easy before the injury. I worked out with a new friend. She is fucking beautiful... so... yeah... that sucks. Let's call her Taylor. She's an amazing friend though, truly, which is the only reason why I am putting up with how beautiful she is.
I started school. Fucking crazy. To be in school. I go to Atlanta in like a week. C R A Z Y. I'm so not used to going home. It's... weird. I'm broke as shit because I don't work but three or two days a week and my fucking financial aid has not come thru. And I'm passing out as I type this. Let's review - my bf's best friend is a piece of shit and I need to work on getting him to see it too... in my defense, I have been considering what I think about him for some months now, that is, my bf's bff that is...let's call him Roman. Yes, I have been considering Roman to be a total and complete prick as of late and for the past few months. He hates everyone and everything including himself. If he can't smoke it or drink it, it has very little use to him. Perhaps I should be focusing on how to console my Dexter when Roman kills himself or gets himself in jail or finally turns on him, as I expect he will. Roman is mysterious and secretive and I believe him to have ties to the occult...which is why I do my best not to cross him. I can hate him secretly... the other housemate, Mimi, hugged the day after I snapped at Roman's traveler friend and that was off-puting... she does not hug nor is she affectionate... it is as though she knows my time in their lives has come to an end. Goddamnit. His fucking sister is going to kick me out of the house. I fucking know it. If my relationship with Dexter ends... well shit... everytyhing tells me to fuck the lemons and bail but... I don't want to go back to Atlanta... I don't want to live there. I have no desire to make that shit hole a part of my life. And I worked so hard to get into school here... I would move on campus. Yup. I've decided. I would move on campus. And if it wouldn't work... I would fuck the lemons and bail...no. I would drop my class, defer enrollment till next fall. Get my old job back and work my ass off until next school year. Get my own apt. Yes.
Thinking of a life without Dexter feels crippling... I deluded myself into thinking he really truly loved me and I have to let that go. He doesn't. Despite the words that come out of his mouth his actions say otherwise... yes. Best to distance myself now while I have a little bit of sanity left.
Dexter... I loved you completely... I thought I would never love like that again... and you showed me infinite kindness and understanding. You were the only worthwhile thing to have happened to me while living in this state...and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
Fuck. Everything.
