How much would you bet?

Constant Knot - City & Colour

I asked a guy out. He said yes. Went out twice. Had sex. That doesn't feel smart. Let's call him Dexter. I feel like I am trying so hard to be this detached thing and I can't quite swing it. I want to like him. I like parts of him. I feel obligated to like him because the sex was so surreal and intense and fantastic and I don't want it to stop but I realized today... how do I end this? ... When my mind drew the blank that those ellipses so inaccurately depicted, my next thought was, What the fuck did I get myself into? Shit. I'm seeing him again. I want to have sex with him again. Probably won't happen. Sex with me is a fluke.

Confessions - City & Colour

I'm a year older. Non the wiser. Desperately wishing I could be this instrument of detachment and unloving. I will always settle for less because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Fucked, probably. But that's all I will allow myself. Love is a thing I only did well once. I tried before-hand and fucked it up pretty big. And by the time I got it right I didn't want to do it any more and... As much as I want to settle down and have a husband and a partner for life... I guess I'm not ready. I'm just Mosby-ing around. But this is 27. Have fun or die trying, right?
I've been living healthier. I decided that's close enough to 30 whilst being this fat and ugly. Sauna 3-4 times a week. Small workouts for now. Make-up, sun-screen and a facial cleansing routine every day/night. Healthy food and I want to keep as little food as possible in my apartment.
I feel like Dexter only fucked me because I asked him out and he was rewarding my courage. He only wanted to go for as long as we did because I footed the bill for dinner. He won't want to fuck me again and it is only a matter of time until he is ready to move on. Yes, I really think like this. Yes, I honestly think everyone else does as well. No, I don't think it is insane, depressing or pessimistic. It's just the goddamned truth. People don't fall in love this way. But honestly, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid of my attachments and feelings so I have decided to not acknowledge them, and God willing they will eventually fade away.
Next week I am ridding my diet of refined sugar. Aside from the goddamn gluttonous holiday that will embark upon us soon enough. Now I need to fake humility interest compassion and pretty much all other emotions until I have the time to write here again. Last guy I was with I dated for a month before we had sex. This time is was two days. Being an adult sucks. Fuck fuck fuck this.

i turn the page

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I turn the page
of this season
of my life
only to end up somewhere
I thought long passed
enduring the same mistakes
Grasping at the same fate
still so painfully and completely ...
how have I grown into
only more of the same;
same wrong path
how do I do this
so well?
it seems my only skill
is that of personal upheaval
and undoing
misguided attempts at reformation
disillusioned aspirations exciting a future that simply
will not come to pass
no recourse of ideation
but one...
its cool to the touch
introspection of such delivers
anxiety on my skin
unblunted edges drag across the soft surface
so easily blemished
so quickly
and lasting for the rest of my eternity
it's so easy
so finite
so damning
yet it is the only release I can find

relapse relax relapse relax again

I am so close to a relapse right now... I want to cut so badly. I hate myself so deeply right now. There is no one to talk to. There is no one who cares no one who would notice because the only person who disgraced with the dignity of seeing my uncovered flesh is me. This is the absolute worst... I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. It's like suffocating and private and intimate form of torture. My skin is not my own and my body has betrayed me and the only way to seek comfort is to hurt it. God... why do I feel this. I close my eyes and you're gone. I close my eyes and I wish... I close my eyes and everything goes away only it doesn't. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my mind right now and I want it all to go away. I feel there are too many options here for me to make the right one. Fuck! I hate this.

here are the minutes

I tried writing a poem a few months ago, reading back I feel ready to add to it:

I like the idea of us
For a minute...
I miss the feel of us, for seconds...
I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness
Seeking comfort in the cold now
In the quiet;
I'm on the the apex,
about to fall on one of these sides
and neither seems right
The darkness climbs up
with icicles for fingers
rattling out a cold steam for breath
begging me to let go
give up and give in
as my heart gives out
relinquishes itself from desire
needs
and dances with mistakes
regrets and the like
we are criminal, a different beast
every time I feel the scratch of your
face against my soft skin
the part of me long thought deceased
lifts it's aged and exhausted head
and wonders if for a second
it might be revived...
only to rest weakly back down
as a dog too old to greet it's master
so is my hope so defeated and reluctantly apathetic
"Deception, A Beautiful Lie"

day one delayed

Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

I have been feeling unhealthy to an extreme lately. I have always been fat or overweight but I have never felt absolutely repulsive before. I feel so completely unattractive and undesirable that I don't even want to go out in public and I don't want to feel like this any more and fuck... I gotta start somewhere. Today I ate until I was content and then stopped. I waited ten to fifteen minutes to determine the status of my hunger... it is so weird to behave this way but I think it is normal and healthy and hopefully will lead me out of binging completely. My food wasn't 100% healthy today but it was 100% pesacatarian so yay!! Hopefully I can keep this up <3

 

blogger blog on

So I found this on my new ana site that I love <3 and I am going to do it! It's a 50 day challenge to NOT binge bc I'm disgusting and grotesque. Starts tomorrow!!
.

Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

Day 2: Post a recent picture of yourself! Don’t body-shame, name two things you like about yourself in this picture.

Day 3: What do you define as a binge?

Day 4: A picture of one snack you had today that you felt was a good portion size.

Day 5: What do you usually binge on? Do you have certain trigger foods?

Day 6: Do you have any fear foods? If so, post a picture of them here. Yep, have the picture on your blog, and try to stop being scared of these foods.

Day 7: Are there specific times of day that you have trouble avoiding a binge? How are you working around that now? (Congrats on making it one week!!)

Day 8: A picture of something that makes you smile.

Day 9: What inspires you?

Day 10: A picture of a time in your life you remembering being really happy. How much does binging affect your mood?

Day 11: What is the hardest thing you’ve had to do? It can be fitness, social, mental, etc.

Day 12: Why do you think you binge? Be honest with yourself.

Day 13: What are you doing to make sure you’re drinking enough water? (This is key!)

Day 14: Do you think your binging is emotional?

Day 15: You’ve lasted OVER TWO WEEKS! How does that feel?

Day 16: Picture of a non-food reward that you enjoy.

Day 17: What have you done so far to keep yourself going?

Day 18: Do a cartwheel, (OR anything else cool you can do physically) and add a photo of it!

Day 19: What is your favorite way to work out?

Day 20: Picture after an intense workout! (Doesn’t have to be from today, but it should be!)

Day 21: Post your intake today. Are you happy with it?

Day 22: Give us a picture of your favorite breakfast!

Day 23: What is your favorite HEALTHY food?

Day 24: Talk about something you did for YOU today – emotionally, physically, etc.

Day 25: CONGRATS! You’re HALF WAY THROUGH! How are you feeling?

Day 26: What has been the hardest part about this so far?

Day 27: Does anyone know about your issues with binging?

Day 28: Picture (if you’re comfortable) of something you’re insecure of, and 5 REASONS why you shouldn’t be insecure.

Day 29: What is the best compliment you have received/can remember?

Day 30: ONE MONTH IN! WAY TO GO! Think you can make it 20 more days? List 3 reasons you want to keep going.

Day 31: Who in your life makes you really happy?

Day 32: Do you strength train/lift weights at all? (YOU SHOULD!)

Day 33: Detailed account of a binge you remember having. Try analyzing your feelings before and after it happened.

Day 34: A picture of some item of clothing you want to buy for yourself.

Day 35: When did your binging start? Why do you think it started?

Day 36: A picture of a time in your life that you didn’t feel good about your body. List two things that you like about this picture now.

Day 37: Do you think it’s possible to be 100% happy with your body? Why or why not?

Day 38: What calms you down when you’re stressed out?

Day 39: A picture of your favorite book.

Day 40: TEN MORE DAYS LEFT! Name an accomplishment in your life that you’re really proud of.

Day 41: Favorite actress or singer and why? Do you look up to this person?

Day 42: A picture of what your pantry/dorm room looks like after 42 days of no binging! Are there foods you’ve been able to keep around that you couldn’t before?

Day 43: List five things that you love about yourself.

Day 44: Do you see yourself as a happy person? Do you think others see you as a happy person?

Day 45: What’s your biggest fear? How can you overcome it?

Day 46: When did you make your tumblr? How has it changed since you first started it?

Day 47: A picture of something you ate today that would have once made you feel guilty, but today you have NO GUILT.

Day 48: The challenge is almost over! List 5 things you’re looking forward to coming up.

Day 49 - Hey, remember that picture you took at the beginning on day 2? Post another one in the exact same pose. Notice any differences? What was your mindset on day 2 vs. today?

Day 50: CONGRATS! You’re amazing What are your goals now? Go after them!

slipping through grief

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I need to cry. Yeah. Never thought I'd write this either. I am horribly alone. I've had a rough rough rough past few months. I work too hard. I make okay money. I hate where I live. I miss my family. I don't want to move back "home." I don't want to move to LA. I want it to move to me. I want to chase my dreams more than anything in the world. I am still fat. I am still depressed. I have been smoking in my apartment... which is nice... I'm fat and it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. I am so alone. I want to be held loved adored fucked cherished kissed feel love being made to me without wanting to do it back... I want a man's undying attention. I want to be doted on. I want to be so attracted and be able to leave this wonderful man and regret it. I want ... no. I take it back... kind of. I want those things because what I desire... more than anything in the world... the deepest desire of my heart right now is to be in love. Pure and unapologetic. The kind of love that consumes your entire being... I want that love. I want love better than any I have ever known. I never want to feel this alone ever again. I want to share all of me. The good bad crazy beautiful amazing funny talented sexy lovely person I know that I am ... or can be... I want someone to see that and want it. Need it. Love it. Love me. And I want that man to be someone I am not settling on. Christ... don't I deserve that? ...

Probably not.

Me and Beth are detoxing. I better lose some fucking weight. Dear LA, you better be the fucking answer I am looking for.

Lately...

9 Crimes Damien Rice

Lately... well Christ... see lately is a different kind of beast. I've been homeless. Screwed over more times than I can count. I work 40hr a week but it feels like 70. All my "friends" are thin and beautiful and I know why they keep me around... to look good. I get it, don't worry, I completely fucking get it. God, I still feel eighteen. Still feel like I have forever. But if I don't get out of this shithole before my 30s then I am just as stupid as I ever thought I was.
I moved out. Solo living. First time in these twenty six years. Weird. But not. Freeing. But lonely. Perfect. But temporary. Gotta lose the weight now. Gotta do it now. That way when they tell the story there will be this time where I got my shit together.  But that time for me is now and I am a fragile thing. Easily tempted. Quickly distracted. Once I catch a glimpse of an intricate web of illusions, I plummet. Head over feet, I am the young Alice, tumbling unto a dimension which I cannot possibly be equipped to discover, yet tumbling just as quick. How I envy those who can conquer themselves and defeat their childish nature in order to acquiesce the desired vocation. Can I? Dare I allow these apparitions to hazy my subconscious as I lay asleep and unfighting?
All I allow myself to know is right now. I hate right now. I have to starve right now.

street lights

I see it in streetlights
stop signs
the desolate
places
they hide and theyre scared
they are so sick of the wait
he waits
and he feels
that he cant do this any more
the same girl
same kiss
different face or shape
he cant wait
anymore
promised hed wait forever, didnt he?
your prescence is requested
the beautiful and divine intervention....
Lord god I won't wait....
my soul burns
burns within me
within this sad and lonely cave
of my chest
bring your hand upon me...
let you holy deicison
grow with in me...
bring about you divine and worthy wisdom
let your hand move upon me
your glory your Holy... show me show me show me
in ways you never have

hoard

binged. binging. hot wings. beer. flatbread. 'tato chips. snickers. i should really just blow my brains out already

minutes

Swimming With You - Benton Falls

I like the idea of us. For a minute...I miss the feel of us. For seconds... I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness. I seek comfort in the cold now. In the quiet. I'm on the the apex, about to fall on one of these sides and neither seems right. The darkness climbs up toward me. Stretching it's icicle fingers.

... sorry thought I had a poem in me... definitely didn't.

After four days of liquids I ate today and I feel like shit. Back to liquid and starving tomorrow. And a hellish workout if I can get my fat ass up at a decent time tomorrow. I got S T O N E D  last night. Couldn't sleep. Thought weed would help. It didn't. Well... it did just ... I was so giggly and high that I forgot to fall asleep hah. Anyway, I just took a crapload of fiber to flush out the bullshit food I ate. I hung out with Beth. It's typical for me to eat around Beth even though she is the hotter one who men like. Fuck. I hate myself. Chase has been hangin out with everyone from work but me... makes me feel like ... inadequate. Not good enough. I had a good time with Beth tonight but I am really fucking over everything right now. I think I am going to regret moving back "home" by this time next year. I'm getting really fucking old.

I love love love her for doing this. It really grosses me out. Send to all your anas! This helps me so much!

http://youtu.be/xQ7EaMGUcY8

checkmate

So. After work, where I accidentally ate two Starbursts because someone offered them to me and I forgot I wasn't eating, I decided to go buy some coffee. It is soo good and I really wanted some. However, I got off work late so I decided to buy both decaf and regular, since I have to be at church hella early tomorrow. I clean out the coffee pot and brew about two and half cups of delicious. The roommates arrive. Their annoying kids. *sigh* I need to get the fuck out of here. So I lower my music and hear one say to the other, "Did you leave the coffee pot on?" -"No... but there was coffee left in it." "Well...*sigh* she's drinking our coffee then."
what.   THE.    F U C K.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YOU PRETENTIOUS ASS HOLE! GO FUCK YOURSELF. I DON'T NEED YOUR BULLSHIT COFFEE THAT PROBABLY COST SOME POOR MIGRANT WORKER HIS LIFE. NO THANKS FUCKTARD. I BUY FAIR TRADE. SO EAT A DICK.

That's better.

Other than the candy slip I have done well today! And I managed to work out! Woot!! Might have some soup later. Idks yet. <3

fluid

Been really depressed lately. I think about suicide at least once or twice a day. No planning though, just fantasizing about how I won't have problems any more. Things have been bad lately. I will be moving states again. I will be back "home" for awhile. Maximum of two years. Minimum of four months. Heh, sounds like I'm going to prison. I'm not. I got a new computer. Church is the only thing going well in my life right now which is why I haven't been blogging. It's been keeping me happy. Sane. Alive. However, whenever I am not at church or with the church friends... I am binge-ing. A lot. I have been eating so much...Everyday. Huge amounts of food. Amounts of food that I used to eat, that would be enough or too much... isn't enough any more. I eat double or triple. I have been eating alone. And gorging alone. Eating so fast that the food can't make it down my throat... I have been forming a food addiction and becoming a binge eater. Not by choice. By loneliness. By sadness. By hatred of myself. I started working out last week and weening myself from the binge-ing. I've become so addicted to food that I feel more depressed now that I can't have it. Depressed because I'm fat and more depressed because I can't eat any more. So I'm stuck. And I've turned to ana. Liquid diet today. Successfully. So I do feel happy about that. I plan to stay on liquid for the rest of the weekend. I can't lie - I miss food. It's like breaking up with someone who isn't good for you. Heh. Anyway, hopefully I will feel thinner and better by the end of the weekend.