cut

Drunk. Want to cut. House smells of turkey, pumpkin pie and all the fixins. I hate this holiday. I am going to b&p  so much. I hate this holiday. I love this holiday. I truly hate it. A cop followed me home. I'm very drunk. Fuck that cop. I thought my life was over. I miss Jake. A lot. I hate my life more. New friend's husband is a jackass. I miss Jake. I miss Sam more. I miss the fake intimacy that Jake gave me. Now, no one wants me. My  life is shit. I am so ready to move. Drinking does NOT agree with me. Time to pass out.

kate moss - i think i'm falling...

"too many" ciggs today (no such thing - they kill appetite)

ew

Had to attend a potluck tonight. I don't feel compelled to elaborate. Bloated for other reasons as well. Have to work all day tomorrow. Gonna have a plain and dry salmon fillet with romaine, carrots, tomatoes, and balsamic vinegar.
Another day another chance to lose some weight.

kate moss's clothing brand only goes up to size six

oh. i'll just go fuck myself then.

Needle in the Hay - Elliot Smith

Stayed to around 500 cals. Worked out hard for only half an hour because I started to get dizzy. :( No excuse. Going hard tomorrow... or "today"

Why I am really here today unfortunately has nothing to do with being beautiful or weigh loss. No. Just found out that all of my friends have been hanging out with Sam. What. The. Fuck. I cried. Hard. I was turning the corner of sleepiness but when I confided in my friend who is "always honest" he confessed that he too had hung out with Sam since the demise of our relationship... Fucking burned. I started crying. Panic attack ensued. Followed by some deep cutting and punching of those cuts. Blood still on knuckles. The panic attack gave me a hit of adrenaline. Too much. The cutting too. Decided to put on some clothes and go to Starbucks because they were opening in approximately 30 minutes. I look like shit. I don't care. I use my fake glasses to cover it up. A cute hipster beanie to hide the oil and frizz of my hair. Leggings to hide the cuts. Got in the car, lit up my last cigarette and went to buy a new pack. Now here I am. I have not ordered yet. Because these slags don't know how to properly "open" their place of business. It is now 6am and they are not done cleaning, setting up pastries or displays. I seriously feel like I work here. It's pathetic.

My best friend. My best fucking friend was hanging out with Sam and txting him. What the fuck. I call her out on it, very gently to inquire why and she loses her shit. Now it's my fault. Fuck her. Fuck this city. Fuck Sam. I seriously have a deep hate for every friend I have ever made. Aside from the girls from recovery. They have not betrayed me like that. Haven't been given the proper chance, I suppose.
Time for coffee.
Although, I am not done. This is going to be a Zuckerberg/Eisenberg type of blog rant, only less intelligent and filled with much more cursing and stupidness. For example, my use of the word stupidness. Sweet, I'm not the first indoor customer. I will get my coffees now. No sweets. Sweets are for fatties.

tall soy peppermint mocha with no whip because dairy is the goddamn devil. Christmas music is playing in this place. I love Christmas, but I am going to be a complete ass about it this year. I will enjoy my family ... okay so I won't be an ass, I just feel pissed right now. I wish I had the stones to say Erica Albreit is a bitch, just like The Social Network's version of Mark Zuckerberg did. But Erica Albreit is fictional and therefore easy to use her real name, call her a bitch, insult her bra size and make a crack about her last name. What shall I say about the best friend? Thanks for being there for me during my breakup like I was there for you during ALL of yours... oh wait... you weren't. Thanks for always being honest with me about the little things... fuck, you didn't do that either. Thanks for not needing to be the center of fucking attention with every male we have ever encountered... wait a second... you have been. Thanks for not holding my boyfriend's hand because you were lonely and "scared" while watching a movie with him at your house... well, fuck me sideways, you did that too. Fuck you. You're a selfish, ego-centric bitch and you don't deserve the man that you are with. You're a mean girl, a bitch, a back-stabber, shit-talker and I whole-heartedly regret every time I ever stood up for you. Sam wrote that  entry about you. The one about the person who so full of shit and he can see right through you... yeah it's about you, sweetheart. Moving half-way across the country is not far enough away from you. Fuck  off and die you fucked up slag.

Depression is a bitch and I have been off my meds for too long. I don't mean a thing of what I just wrote. I just needed to say it to get every whim of an emotion I've had in the last hour to come out.

Sam, sweetheart, handsome, dear sweet and loving man... you have ruined my life. Completely. Totally and without second thought. You ruined me. You destroyed us. And you killed me inside and all over. You ruined me.

Alright, dear readers, if you have hung on this long, you deserve every single ounce of this thinspiration. Go hard today, loves. Starve on. Drink water. Work out. Restrict. Get through it. Do  your best not to slip up.We are better than the fat on our bodies and we will be weightless, thin, and free one day. <3

the beautiful body of kate moss

math isn't hard.

jeans fit her beautiful bones so perfectly

i fall more in love with Natalie every day

Kristen Bell has my height and body type... She is my ultimate goal

itty bitty perfection

trust no one

I have been dealing with the fact that even my "best friend" will and has failed me and will continue to do so. I can only trust God. Which he is clearly demonstrating over and over again. I'm so glad I am moving away from this stupid place. I will miss my mother terribly and I wish I could take her with me, but that's not an option. I wish I could take my little brother too, but he doesn't belong to me. It's gonna be rough not having them around... but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Fuck this city and everyone in it.

I consumed roughly 600 cals today. Way too many. I am making cabbage soup tomorrow. I did work out for an hour and a half. I'm shooting for two tomorrow. Focus on abs. And cardio. I've gotten really out of shape. Fuck everyone else. I can control me. I can trust me. And I will.

the last time

I just ate my last fast food meal ever. It was pretty gross. I feel like I need to purge. I'm not going too. Well, I'm going to do my best not to. This horrible feeling is so not worth it. It's been a really good birthday. I am really fat. Tomorrow I will be working out twice and keeping to fruit and juice only. I've let myself slip. Went shopping today. Refuse to buy new pants. I have so many cute jeans that don't fit because I've become too fat. The only vice I am allowing myself is alcohol. Life is too stupid without it. No bread. No dairy. Time to start loving myself again. Loving the hunger pains. Loving the sweet pain of becoming thin and small. Time to do it right.

salad coffee soup

Red Flags and Long Nights - She Wants Revenge

Past few days all I have had has been coffee salad and soups. Good stuff. Truvia sweetener for coffee. Dipshit is convinced his marriage is going to work this time. Fuck it. I have myself. I need to workout and get back to me anyway. Sex is my favorite cardio though... so... yeah. Back to running and jump rope in the sauna suit. Fuck. This blog is my bloody spilled open honesty. I love it. Half of my cares and wants his marriage to work, because maybe the third time is the charm but the dark side is laughing over a glass of wine already because she knows it will fail. Dark side Emma is so much more confident. And harsh on me the way I need her to be. Going to sleep a bit bitter. Angry. I just got rejected, but only in my own mind. I way past due on sleep. Here goes. Tomorrow coffee salad and MAYBE soup.

Get thin or die trying <3
Starve on loves.

the body we all want

the touch we all crave

i will be her one day.
i will be perfect enough for you to see me and see your mistake in leaving me