seven down

I lost 7lbs last week. This week, I got excited and weighed myself a day early. No change. I haven't lost any weight. This is gonna trigger a fast. I haven't eaten all day. I have a new celeb thinspo. She's small. Beautiful. A dancer. Perfect. It's always rougher  without support... but I guess that's what ana is... making a selfish choice for ourselves. We know what's right. We have control. We can beat this. We will not be fat. We will lose the weight.

epiphany

I am afraid that if I lose the weight, I will still be alone. Even cute and thing and pretty, no one will want to be with me... or I will end up with the wrong person. This is the reason why I am afraid to lose the weight. This is why I am holding on. Now... how do I let go?

addict

I think I'm addicted to food. This is embarrassing. I really hope I can shed 10lbs this week. I have been working out everyday. Today I was very active. This was day two of Jillian Michaels. I woke up sore. My car broke down today. Gonna cost a lot to fix. Shit. I'm starving. And I'm not hungry. Does that ever happen to you? I want to go to a drive-thru or take-away. Something cheesy and fried and greasy. Why do I want that? I know it is bad for me. I feel like shit after I eat it. It makes me fat. It is never as good as my mind thinks it is. Ever. So  why... what is in my brain saying "I NEED THAT FOOD"? Food becomes the most important thing to me. It is holding me back from being slim and fit ... from being the person I want to be. How did I just give my control away? How did I become this?

f u c k

I weighed-in today. I'm 6lbs fatter than two weeks ago. Fuck fuck figgity fuck. I got my miracle noodles in today. Didn't know they would be in water so that was a whoa moment. I should get my walden farms later this week. I'm fasting tomorrow. Try to get these fucking 8 lbs off so I can be under 200lbs. Disgusting. I can't believe I gained all this weight. I am so ready to be thin. I will be at the VERY least 20lbs thinner before I go home. I also did Jillian Michael's 30 day shred today, with the sauna suit on, bc I'm too fat to be fuckin around. I will be doing it at 6am tomorrow and if I don't work I will do it again tomorrow during the day.
As cra-cra as Michelle is, she def understands my weight-loss struggle. She was fat too once. She gets it. I've been watching Ruby and Heavy. I hope I can lose 10lbs this week. All detox diet. Only, I am allowing myself caffeine - diet coke and coffee and green tea. And working out every day at least once no matter what. I need this.

if you  feel hungry, you're doing it right

stop eating

if it was easy we'd all look like this

75% of women are  on a diet... the other 25% are fat ugly and alone

f a t

pigged  out. salad. wine. salad: iceberg, arugula, spinach, cabbage, mushrooms, sweet peppers, squash, zucchini, evoo,.... then i had mini sweet peppers + turkey bacon and mozz cheese. also skittles and starbursts... f a t
i start 30 day shred tmrw. imma work out twice. sleeping with heater on high.
 

starving felt good. back to that.

progress

Alright... well I'm starving but I'm terrified to eat. I know I have all day tomorrow to burn calories but I'm scared. I had an apple and a sweet  pepper with a slice of mozzarella cheese. I feel grossily guilty about it. I am sipping on diet coke right now and working through my thinspo journal. I bought some walden farms pasta sauce and some miracle noodles. Shit is expensive. But calorie free so I won't feel so afraid to eat. I hate that I am this hungry (two days now) and still this fat. I've noticed something; when I don't eat at all, I go to bed with a sense of not truly doing anything throughout the day. Even yesterday, when I bought and installed new curtains. Stupid. I need to get over that. It's probably a huge reason why I eat so much... it gives me a sense of accomplishment for my day... weird.

success!!

So!! my liquid fast was so successful yesterday, I've decided to extend it to today! :D It just feels so good to finally have a hold of something. I'm going to pick up a multivitamin tomorrow. Also! I ordered Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred, and a sauna suit. I'm excited about getting my life going right. I've already done some "groceries," for when I absolutely need to eat. I need to get a water bottle though. I am considering getting the ones that have purifiers on them, like the  ones from Brita. Saw some pretty decently priced ones from Target. Also! I will be able to finally get my walden farms zero calories dressings for my salads! I might allow myself an apple today, for metabolism sake. Also, I will be picking up a multivitamin soon. I have to celebrate every little success in ana, because failure is always looming.

Why ana?

Because it's bikini season and this is what  I really look like with one on.

Because success is always possible

...for the gap

because this woman is taller than me yet I weight  90lbs more than her

just another reason...

I saw this after having a turkey avocado wrap today, so juice fast tomorrow. Roommates are out of town so it'll be easy to starve all day :)

think you look good in shorts?

think A G A I N !

now she looks  good in shorts!