walking

I'm so fucking high right now that I can't even stand. Or walk. I hope this is coherent. I hate my life. I've given up stealing, I feel like things on the edge of getting better... but they have to get worst first... closer the holidays get... the worse I am  going to feel and the more drugs I will be taking.  My life hurts. The working all the time. The keeping up appearances with friends. Pretending. God the fucking pretending. I wish I could just nail some attractive guy again. It felt better. During and after. And if I hadn't seen Sam the day after, I'd be so much better. I wouldn't be this hurt. I love feeling this disconnect from emotion. It's peaceful, and loose.

cow

Ate like a fuckin cow today. Gross. Had two belinis a beer a loaf of bread from an Italian restaurant, calamari, and minestrone soup. Fat. Running in the morning. Had a dream about running. I need to.

I mentioned throwing myself at someone who was fragile and broken. Well that man is in the process of rekindling his marriage. I am too disgusting to have the men I want. God  I need to lose weight. Also, there is an ana girl I used to work with, and she is dating the only attractive guy from work... the only one I invested a bit of time in. She's thin as shit. She's lost control though, because she passes out at work all the time, or she did. So of course she is skinny as shit and gets the guy. He's been dating her for awhile now. Trying to hide it from me. Fuck. My. Life. I got my meds today. Sam's birthday is at the beginning of next month. I plan on stay in an ambien coma the entire two day span. Fuck. I need to take my fucking meds soon. I need to find a psychiatrist as well. To re-prescribe my meds when I use them up. Okay. Shit. Thinking about Sam and his birthday ... making me feel really suicidal. Shit. I need these meds and I hate it. I wanted to be dead by now. And then the holidays. And my birthday. Which was only good the past two years. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I know Chris will never want me... no matter what I feel in my heart... no matter what... Chris will never love me. Even though I pray about it... that man will never love me. I'm too fat. I'm too disgusting. I don't think I am going to make it till Christmas.
That guy I mentioned before - the divorced one who is trying to get back with his wife...is also sleeping with me... yeah. Don't go feeling too bad for me... I'm a terrible fucking human being.

fat girls eat

Today wasn't too brutal, food-wise. I had a salad with salmon, no butter pepper or salt, with balsamic vinaigrette, a caprese sandwich, and a bowl of fruit. A bit too much carb, but I can't uneat it. I'm gonna try to swing a fast tomorrow. Also I worked out this morning. 250 for abs. 20 lunges. And arms. Weak, bur it's a start. Chris has been running 18 miles a week. He's a bigger ana than me haha. JK He eats like a fucking cow, no way he is ana. Anyway. Tomorrow, I'm bringing on a run, if I can swing it. It's my monthly, so we'll see.

This photo has really been keeping me motivated. My wife <3