shiver

I'm trying to freeze myself out right now. Didn't get a workout in. Ate too fucking much. Feel like a piece of shit. Tomorrow I am waking up early and hitting the gym hard. Two hours again. I can't wait. I walked around downtown a lot but I did not get sweaty. Hung out with a cool girl I met up here, let's call her Beth. Beth doesn't understand. One of those bitches who eats all the fried food she wants and doesn't gain a fucking ounce. Hate. I mean I love her, but I'm jealous. She has men lined up around the block for her too. I'm such an envious person. I don't care. This is the "me" spot.  I am really tempted to try and purge. It's taking everything in me to keep my shit together... maybe I will  brew some green tea. Yes. That's a good idea. Alright. I'm gonna have to hit the hay soon. Stay strong. Don't give into food. It's so not fucking worth the guilt.

perfect body at 5'2

this is seriously my only dream right now - to look like this

silly stupid something

This is non-thinspo related. The haunts of suicide are back. I got high. I'm thinking getting high and drinking are going to be things of the past. The get me to the root of my depressive disorder. To the bad place. Stupid what's his face got his live-in pregnant. That chapter of my life has now been forever  sealed. Strange. Weird. Unfair. I am an angry child kicking and screaming and drowning in an overwhelming helplessness... It's out of my control and the thoughts makes  me lose my breath and anixety ensues. Hyper-ventilate. My heart hurts. My breath can't be caught. I will my heart to stop beating. My body won't do what I want it too... I am lost in this helplessness... Drowning. I see the surface, where I had control growing farther away and the world grows darker... the oxygen in my lungs  is no good and I am ruined.
The suicide is near. The want. The plot. The deep hate of my life. The deep hate of this body. I will punish  it tomorrow. God grant me the will to awake and punish this gross fat thing. It all comes back  to this... if I was beautiful I would not hate me so. Leaves and vitamins. All I will consume. Kill me quicker, sweet nicotine. Alcohol poison these veins oh please luscious Vicodin numb out all else. Ambien drive me to sleep, and let all my liquids powders and pills seep into the blood and thicken it muddy... I'd take death over this any and every day.

pedaler

My pedaler came in the mail today! Now I can be active while watching biggest loser or blogging!!! :D I used it for about an hr already in addition to my normal workout. It's nice to be able to be active the entire day. Excited!!

veg out

I've had two cups of broccoli, a cup of spinach, and about two and a half cups of sweet potato fries with cayenne pepper and cinnamon bc they boost metabolism. I've had two glasses of water. I ate a few cookies, gross, and use a bit of soy/mayo sauce on my broccoli. I had a glass of pom/cran 100% juice. So far so good on Monday. I worked out this morning. Only thing I plan on eating later is salad w no dressing. I have been trying to kick it into high gear since I go home in a month and I need to fake bake and work out every day to look decent when I go home. Every day is a battle.

my ideal fashion sense

abs to die for

i love celebs who work like hell for it

two-a-days

I worked out for the first time today after injuring my foot about a week ago. It's low intensity but I am breaking a wicked sweat. I think I will be working out again after work. Eating a salad w grilled shrimp and no dressing. I feel fatter now. I've gained 3lbs back from my 7lbs loss. Hopefully this time next week I will be down more lbs. At the very least the 3 that I gained. My jeans are tight. I feel like a load of blubber and fat. Yeah. I'm def gonna work out tonight. *sigh* the fight is not over. It's never over.