one more time around the block

Day Old Hate - City & Colour

I starved on Wednesday. Like a good old fashioned starving. I had to weigh in on Thursday morning and knew I hadn't lost a pound. So... old tricks and what not. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. I was so stoked. These results awakened a sleeping giant. If I have only 200 cals every day and lose 2 lbs a day then in 50 days I will be thin. Fuck, a month would even work. I want to try this until I get to a more manageable weight. I know it's fucked, I know it's crazy, I know it's unhealthy. But I am so desperately sick of looking the way that I do. I have a number in my head, that I will quit at. The hunger hurts, fuck I know, but starving works. Fiona had a point. I am only going to eat when I am around people. So that means today and tomorrow I should be able to lose at least 4 lbs. Tomorrow I am going to the school library all day and I am going to get ahead of my assignments. When I did this last time, I was able to stave off hunger for a long time. I hate that I am this way. I hate being fat much much more. I have never been thin. Never. And I am fucking sick of it.

Me and my boyfriend are great. He is severely depressed. I don't know how to help him. He despises western medicine. All I can do is love him and be there for him.
This is the first time I have heard Turning Page, and felt a since of love and dewiness about anyone. I feel it about Dexter. God... I really fell for him. That feels ... amazing. Thank God for the silver lining.

those collar bones tho...

the epitome of American beauty

if this is fake I don't care

looks like a different person

yikes

poly-no-amory

Confessions - City and Colour

Yeah, well when you find the right muse, you tend to retreat to it from time to time. I have recently felt as though the gift for words had ultimately abandoned me. I read back to when I was miserable and alone a lot of the time and realized no, indeed it had not left but instead it hides in me and takes great emotion to fetch it out. My muse lives inside the tormented and articulate soul of Dallas Green. God bless his talent. Truly.
Pardon the unfunny and hopelessly unwitty title of this blog but yeah... I am in a poloamourous relationship and tonight, as my previous entry detailed, he will be giving a back massage to a person he used to fuck. I don't think expletives are inarticulate, by the way, but rather a beautiful and necessary pepper to life. Moving on. Yeah. So that sits a bit weird with me because his exes usually turn up looking for some quick dick and he is too wonderfully silly hopeful and kind to see their flimsy excuse for seeing him as the dick lure that it is. The one night stand, wham bam thank you ma'am that they all do to him. I would love to pretend that I care about him getting hurt but I really fucking don't. When I act as though I am upset that someone fucked him and never called him back I have morphed my "that's what you fucking get" attitude into concern and cooing and "my baby deserves better" talk. So yeah... I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not a fucking polyamorist and I think it is stupid and bullshit and most polys are just really fucking ugly people who are only poly because if they werent they would never get laid. That's just my small minded opinion.
That said. Dexter is handsome. Wonderful. Kind. Beautiful. And I don't want to share him any more. And yes, I will be keeping this to myself. Unhealthy, maybe? Necessary? Absolutely. If he should ever get the notion to propose, I would have to decline. I adore this beast and I absolutely will not share him. That is not what marriage is to me. Are we that serious? I don't know, probably not. But it is good to have this back-up plan just in case. I love him. I would love to be with him long-term and possibly forever. But I am perfectly fine with him being this beautiful creature that I was honored to spend some time with in my late twenties.

I am a terrible fucking person. And I love the word fuck, so fucking deal with it.

It's all in your head, but so is everything

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

As soon as I wrote down how much I loved him, I knew I would regret it. It costs too much to love. God, I hope I remember that, later. His hands on someone else makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Seriously. Jesus Christ. Who am I kidding. I should have just kept starving and running like fucking always getting the results that pay off. Starving. Caffeinating. Smoking. Running. Fuck all.

The Fear - Lily Allen

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner
I am an angry little plump hopping bird. Fuck all. Here's to pharmaceuticals.
This is a terrible entry. My deepest apologies to my non-existent readers.