Constant Knot - City & Colour
I asked a guy out. He said yes. Went out twice. Had sex. That doesn't feel smart. Let's call him Dexter. I feel like I am trying so hard to be this detached thing and I can't quite swing it. I want to like him. I like parts of him. I feel obligated to like him because the sex was so surreal and intense and fantastic and I don't want it to stop but I realized today... how do I end this? ... When my mind drew the blank that those ellipses so inaccurately depicted, my next thought was, What the fuck did I get myself into? Shit. I'm seeing him again. I want to have sex with him again. Probably won't happen. Sex with me is a fluke.
Confessions - City & Colour
I'm a year older. Non the wiser. Desperately wishing I could be this instrument of detachment and unloving. I will always settle for less because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Fucked, probably. But that's all I will allow myself. Love is a thing I only did well once. I tried before-hand and fucked it up pretty big. And by the time I got it right I didn't want to do it any more and... As much as I want to settle down and have a husband and a partner for life... I guess I'm not ready. I'm just Mosby-ing around. But this is 27. Have fun or die trying, right?
I've been living healthier. I decided that's close enough to 30 whilst being this fat and ugly. Sauna 3-4 times a week. Small workouts for now. Make-up, sun-screen and a facial cleansing routine every day/night. Healthy food and I want to keep as little food as possible in my apartment.
I feel like Dexter only fucked me because I asked him out and he was rewarding my courage. He only wanted to go for as long as we did because I footed the bill for dinner. He won't want to fuck me again and it is only a matter of time until he is ready to move on. Yes, I really think like this. Yes, I honestly think everyone else does as well. No, I don't think it is insane, depressing or pessimistic. It's just the goddamned truth. People don't fall in love this way. But honestly, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid of my attachments and feelings so I have decided to not acknowledge them, and God willing they will eventually fade away.
Next week I am ridding my diet of refined sugar. Aside from the goddamn gluttonous holiday that will embark upon us soon enough. Now I need to fake humility interest compassion and pretty much all other emotions until I have the time to write here again. Last guy I was with I dated for a month before we had sex. This time is was two days. Being an adult sucks. Fuck fuck fuck this.
