team jacob

Watching Twilight. How typically feminine of me. Bought my first pack of ciggs in over a month. Makes sense - I'm at an all time fat. I have a pain in my lower back that I get when I eat too much and need to purge. I'm so pathetically alone. I've been attending church hence the absence of my blog entries. I've been getting to a better place emotionally which is why I'm settling at the 40+ pounds mark of my suggested body weight. Beth says I'd look gross and too skinny 50lbs thinner. Jealous bitch. I'm getting to be shifty again. Diet coke. Coffee. Ciggs. That's the life I want. Thin life. We'll see. I've been a colossal fuck up my whole life. Worked out for 1hr and 1/2 today. 2+hrs on Monday. I hate being a fat sack of shit.

KP knows.I know - wtf. Beth must've  said something; thats what David thinks anyway. D R U N  K. If KA knows then everybody knows. HELLa fuckin embarrin. Maybe Hippo knows. Hippo said some shit yeah? I bet Beth blames Hippo. Is a nigga right  for once? let yall know tomorrow, fo sho.

it starts with a "D"

I think I've decided to kill myself on my birthday...

lookie what we all found out

Backstabber - Kesha

Beth is a jealous pathetic backstabbing bitch who eats fried food all the time and will be as fat as her pathetic waste of a husband one day. Choke on your fucking donuts, bitch.

<3

without a jealous hateful and manipulative cunt to hold me back I'm gonna be better at working out and losing weight. *deep sigh* there, all better.
she is nothing like Hannah and I hereby retract anything cruel I have ever said about Hannah... except that she's clingy... because she is but I've come to love that about her. Hannah was never human poison. Sam was. He poisoned my mind by getting me to trust only him. By telling me that my friends couldn't really be trusted. Michelle and Hannah carried me through my breakup and so much more. Kells was totally there for me too. I miss them so much. Six more months till my life starts. Time to workout, get my shit straight, and save as much money as possible. I have to get out of this place...

sync

Can people really change? God what an overrated question. My honest to God opinion? Can people change - No, they just become better liars. Someone who cheats will always be a cheater. It's too easy. It feels good. It absolutely WILL happen again. Someone with low self-esteem does not suddenly become a champion of self, no matter how many pounds are lost or how dramatic the make-over. I will always be suicidal on some level and I will always hate myself. He will always be a cheater and even if it isn't tomorrow or the next day... he will want to cheat again.

On another really fucking depressing note - I am at an all time fat. Haven't weighed in for months... terrified. Tomorrow morning I will weigh-in. Time for this fat fucking freak show to end. <3

she not me

I hate seeing photos of little thin hipster brunettes. Mostly because that is what I was left for and more over because that isn't me and I was so desperately for it to be. I have the tiny frame to be scary thin and almost frail looking. I am so fucking sick of being the thick, big, fat, ugly and looked-over girl. Those days are fucking over. I hate myself so much. I got my ativan in, by the way. Works pretty well. I almost started smoking again. *shrug* I hate myself so much. I hate everyone. That's why I don't want to let anyone in. I wish I could... be different. Better. Thinner. Prettier. More fucking sane. I've been cutting again. And when I'm spinning out on weed, alcohol, RX and whatever else, I keep thinking I have dissociative identity disorder... that is to say that I become convinced that I have alternate personalities... that all the people closest to me aren't real. Sounds stupid and crazy, I know. But it keeps happening... *sigh* Did I mention I hate my life?

denialustin

So. Fat. Ugly. Practically a new virgin. Almost positive that  Beth betrayed me. Been c o m p l e t e l y infatuated with this guy, let's call him, Chase, since I moved here.  Nearly in love w this guy. Quietly and painfully. Beth had a secret and drunken conversation w him. *blows brains across the wall* Grrrrreat. ALSO! I took my ativan at 3.45am. its now 3.53am so we will see how this goes. real drug or fakies. FML. time for a new state? IDK? we'll see. fat, ugly. all the men always want my friends and not me. :( soml. fml. im gonna pass out now. didn't eat tho! thank god! hatehate hate myself.

inner beauty

loathe

I've been doing well. Until today. Cheese sticks. Four pieces of cheese (cheese and fruit box from Starbucks) apples. Lemonade. Beer. 2 Cocktails. Hotwings. Three donuts. I purged. I haven't wanted to cut this bad in a long time. I hate myself. I have work at 830am. I think I will cut after. My legs. Less obvious. I hate myself. I bought ativan. Maybe. Just maybe. I hate myself.  My life. My stupid fucking existance. Michelle always told me to hold on to Buffy. At least I have that. Well this episode is all teary eyed and what not. Ha. If only  it was real. The plot to end it has  begun. I'm going to  kill myself.

might might

i might delete this fucking account because i can update my email address. what the fuck kind of stupid fucking website won't let you update your primary email address? this is the dumbest fucking thing i have ever encountered and i am so livid i want to delete this whole goddamned account.

about her...

Call it over-confident, hell, it's fine by me, but there is definitely something about me. Perhaps, it is the lure that I set: disinterested, and unattainable... Sure with a body like this, who would want me? Well, lucky for me, I got this pretty face and being fat has given me the opportunity to form intelligence, personality and interests other than myself. And whatever I've done... well, I guess I've done it well because even the ones who are out of my league (but exactly my type) eventually have the thought of me cross their mind... I'm not too sure how exactly I do it... I couldn't write a book about it... but I definitely know when I'm laying the ground work. I know when I'm sending off the right pheromones that make his ears perk up. I can't wait till I have the body I want... I would be... unstoppable?

water fast

So I've decided to water fast for as long as I can using distilled water, because I have read that it is best to use this type of water. And it's cheap - like 82 cents a gallon. Now, in order to save myself from a binge I navigated my way to the film, Food Inc., in my netflix queue... and I seriously have gagged, dry-heaved, and have recommitted my life to be vegetarian, and this water fast is making me feel like I am really on the right path. Seriously. If you feel yourself about to binge on anything that contains meat, or HFCS, give this little doc a view. You'll thank me later. Did I mention that I am only 22 minutes in?! Yikes. Food is truly truly disgusting.

lost!!

I lost 4lbs! Which sucks bc that's nothing but I also lost 5in in my hips and 2 in my waist! Eeps! Very excited!! I saw a thinspo pic while surfing FGG and loved it!

So I've decided to start posting photos of my food intake! Now, I didn't take photos of my food today, but I found online photos of everything I ate. I kind of pigged out after my workout. I hate that I did it :/ but I needed protein for my workout so I started out w cottage cheese and salsa and then ate more. *sigh* all done eating for today though!!! 

cottage cheese and salsa

hummus + veggies

cascade trail mix

THE SCALE

I weigh-in tomorrow. Scared as hell. Gonna get a two-hour in before I weigh-in though. Cycled twice today. Once for an hr and then again after work for 1 hr 1/2. Will it be enough? God I hope so!!!! :-/ I will update as soon as I weigh-in! A lil thinspo to get us thru the night!!!

shiver

I'm trying to freeze myself out right now. Didn't get a workout in. Ate too fucking much. Feel like a piece of shit. Tomorrow I am waking up early and hitting the gym hard. Two hours again. I can't wait. I walked around downtown a lot but I did not get sweaty. Hung out with a cool girl I met up here, let's call her Beth. Beth doesn't understand. One of those bitches who eats all the fried food she wants and doesn't gain a fucking ounce. Hate. I mean I love her, but I'm jealous. She has men lined up around the block for her too. I'm such an envious person. I don't care. This is the "me" spot.  I am really tempted to try and purge. It's taking everything in me to keep my shit together... maybe I will  brew some green tea. Yes. That's a good idea. Alright. I'm gonna have to hit the hay soon. Stay strong. Don't give into food. It's so not fucking worth the guilt.

perfect body at 5'2

this is seriously my only dream right now - to look like this

silly stupid something

This is non-thinspo related. The haunts of suicide are back. I got high. I'm thinking getting high and drinking are going to be things of the past. The get me to the root of my depressive disorder. To the bad place. Stupid what's his face got his live-in pregnant. That chapter of my life has now been forever  sealed. Strange. Weird. Unfair. I am an angry child kicking and screaming and drowning in an overwhelming helplessness... It's out of my control and the thoughts makes  me lose my breath and anixety ensues. Hyper-ventilate. My heart hurts. My breath can't be caught. I will my heart to stop beating. My body won't do what I want it too... I am lost in this helplessness... Drowning. I see the surface, where I had control growing farther away and the world grows darker... the oxygen in my lungs  is no good and I am ruined.
The suicide is near. The want. The plot. The deep hate of my life. The deep hate of this body. I will punish  it tomorrow. God grant me the will to awake and punish this gross fat thing. It all comes back  to this... if I was beautiful I would not hate me so. Leaves and vitamins. All I will consume. Kill me quicker, sweet nicotine. Alcohol poison these veins oh please luscious Vicodin numb out all else. Ambien drive me to sleep, and let all my liquids powders and pills seep into the blood and thicken it muddy... I'd take death over this any and every day.

pedaler

My pedaler came in the mail today! Now I can be active while watching biggest loser or blogging!!! :D I used it for about an hr already in addition to my normal workout. It's nice to be able to be active the entire day. Excited!!

veg out

I've had two cups of broccoli, a cup of spinach, and about two and a half cups of sweet potato fries with cayenne pepper and cinnamon bc they boost metabolism. I've had two glasses of water. I ate a few cookies, gross, and use a bit of soy/mayo sauce on my broccoli. I had a glass of pom/cran 100% juice. So far so good on Monday. I worked out this morning. Only thing I plan on eating later is salad w no dressing. I have been trying to kick it into high gear since I go home in a month and I need to fake bake and work out every day to look decent when I go home. Every day is a battle.

my ideal fashion sense

abs to die for

i love celebs who work like hell for it

two-a-days

I worked out for the first time today after injuring my foot about a week ago. It's low intensity but I am breaking a wicked sweat. I think I will be working out again after work. Eating a salad w grilled shrimp and no dressing. I feel fatter now. I've gained 3lbs back from my 7lbs loss. Hopefully this time next week I will be down more lbs. At the very least the 3 that I gained. My jeans are tight. I feel like a load of blubber and fat. Yeah. I'm def gonna work out tonight. *sigh* the fight is not over. It's never over.

seven down

I lost 7lbs last week. This week, I got excited and weighed myself a day early. No change. I haven't lost any weight. This is gonna trigger a fast. I haven't eaten all day. I have a new celeb thinspo. She's small. Beautiful. A dancer. Perfect. It's always rougher  without support... but I guess that's what ana is... making a selfish choice for ourselves. We know what's right. We have control. We can beat this. We will not be fat. We will lose the weight.

epiphany

I am afraid that if I lose the weight, I will still be alone. Even cute and thing and pretty, no one will want to be with me... or I will end up with the wrong person. This is the reason why I am afraid to lose the weight. This is why I am holding on. Now... how do I let go?

addict

I think I'm addicted to food. This is embarrassing. I really hope I can shed 10lbs this week. I have been working out everyday. Today I was very active. This was day two of Jillian Michaels. I woke up sore. My car broke down today. Gonna cost a lot to fix. Shit. I'm starving. And I'm not hungry. Does that ever happen to you? I want to go to a drive-thru or take-away. Something cheesy and fried and greasy. Why do I want that? I know it is bad for me. I feel like shit after I eat it. It makes me fat. It is never as good as my mind thinks it is. Ever. So  why... what is in my brain saying "I NEED THAT FOOD"? Food becomes the most important thing to me. It is holding me back from being slim and fit ... from being the person I want to be. How did I just give my control away? How did I become this?

f u c k

I weighed-in today. I'm 6lbs fatter than two weeks ago. Fuck fuck figgity fuck. I got my miracle noodles in today. Didn't know they would be in water so that was a whoa moment. I should get my walden farms later this week. I'm fasting tomorrow. Try to get these fucking 8 lbs off so I can be under 200lbs. Disgusting. I can't believe I gained all this weight. I am so ready to be thin. I will be at the VERY least 20lbs thinner before I go home. I also did Jillian Michael's 30 day shred today, with the sauna suit on, bc I'm too fat to be fuckin around. I will be doing it at 6am tomorrow and if I don't work I will do it again tomorrow during the day.
As cra-cra as Michelle is, she def understands my weight-loss struggle. She was fat too once. She gets it. I've been watching Ruby and Heavy. I hope I can lose 10lbs this week. All detox diet. Only, I am allowing myself caffeine - diet coke and coffee and green tea. And working out every day at least once no matter what. I need this.

if you  feel hungry, you're doing it right

stop eating

if it was easy we'd all look like this

75% of women are  on a diet... the other 25% are fat ugly and alone

f a t

pigged  out. salad. wine. salad: iceberg, arugula, spinach, cabbage, mushrooms, sweet peppers, squash, zucchini, evoo,.... then i had mini sweet peppers + turkey bacon and mozz cheese. also skittles and starbursts... f a t
i start 30 day shred tmrw. imma work out twice. sleeping with heater on high.
 

starving felt good. back to that.

progress

Alright... well I'm starving but I'm terrified to eat. I know I have all day tomorrow to burn calories but I'm scared. I had an apple and a sweet  pepper with a slice of mozzarella cheese. I feel grossily guilty about it. I am sipping on diet coke right now and working through my thinspo journal. I bought some walden farms pasta sauce and some miracle noodles. Shit is expensive. But calorie free so I won't feel so afraid to eat. I hate that I am this hungry (two days now) and still this fat. I've noticed something; when I don't eat at all, I go to bed with a sense of not truly doing anything throughout the day. Even yesterday, when I bought and installed new curtains. Stupid. I need to get over that. It's probably a huge reason why I eat so much... it gives me a sense of accomplishment for my day... weird.

success!!

So!! my liquid fast was so successful yesterday, I've decided to extend it to today! :D It just feels so good to finally have a hold of something. I'm going to pick up a multivitamin tomorrow. Also! I ordered Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred, and a sauna suit. I'm excited about getting my life going right. I've already done some "groceries," for when I absolutely need to eat. I need to get a water bottle though. I am considering getting the ones that have purifiers on them, like the  ones from Brita. Saw some pretty decently priced ones from Target. Also! I will be able to finally get my walden farms zero calories dressings for my salads! I might allow myself an apple today, for metabolism sake. Also, I will be picking up a multivitamin soon. I have to celebrate every little success in ana, because failure is always looming.

Why ana?

Because it's bikini season and this is what  I really look like with one on.

Because success is always possible

...for the gap

because this woman is taller than me yet I weight  90lbs more than her