cut

Drunk. Want to cut. House smells of turkey, pumpkin pie and all the fixins. I hate this holiday. I am going to b&p  so much. I hate this holiday. I love this holiday. I truly hate it. A cop followed me home. I'm very drunk. Fuck that cop. I thought my life was over. I miss Jake. A lot. I hate my life more. New friend's husband is a jackass. I miss Jake. I miss Sam more. I miss the fake intimacy that Jake gave me. Now, no one wants me. My  life is shit. I am so ready to move. Drinking does NOT agree with me. Time to pass out.

kate moss - i think i'm falling...

"too many" ciggs today (no such thing - they kill appetite)

ew

Had to attend a potluck tonight. I don't feel compelled to elaborate. Bloated for other reasons as well. Have to work all day tomorrow. Gonna have a plain and dry salmon fillet with romaine, carrots, tomatoes, and balsamic vinegar.
Another day another chance to lose some weight.

kate moss's clothing brand only goes up to size six

oh. i'll just go fuck myself then.

Needle in the Hay - Elliot Smith

Stayed to around 500 cals. Worked out hard for only half an hour because I started to get dizzy. :( No excuse. Going hard tomorrow... or "today"

Why I am really here today unfortunately has nothing to do with being beautiful or weigh loss. No. Just found out that all of my friends have been hanging out with Sam. What. The. Fuck. I cried. Hard. I was turning the corner of sleepiness but when I confided in my friend who is "always honest" he confessed that he too had hung out with Sam since the demise of our relationship... Fucking burned. I started crying. Panic attack ensued. Followed by some deep cutting and punching of those cuts. Blood still on knuckles. The panic attack gave me a hit of adrenaline. Too much. The cutting too. Decided to put on some clothes and go to Starbucks because they were opening in approximately 30 minutes. I look like shit. I don't care. I use my fake glasses to cover it up. A cute hipster beanie to hide the oil and frizz of my hair. Leggings to hide the cuts. Got in the car, lit up my last cigarette and went to buy a new pack. Now here I am. I have not ordered yet. Because these slags don't know how to properly "open" their place of business. It is now 6am and they are not done cleaning, setting up pastries or displays. I seriously feel like I work here. It's pathetic.

My best friend. My best fucking friend was hanging out with Sam and txting him. What the fuck. I call her out on it, very gently to inquire why and she loses her shit. Now it's my fault. Fuck her. Fuck this city. Fuck Sam. I seriously have a deep hate for every friend I have ever made. Aside from the girls from recovery. They have not betrayed me like that. Haven't been given the proper chance, I suppose.
Time for coffee.
Although, I am not done. This is going to be a Zuckerberg/Eisenberg type of blog rant, only less intelligent and filled with much more cursing and stupidness. For example, my use of the word stupidness. Sweet, I'm not the first indoor customer. I will get my coffees now. No sweets. Sweets are for fatties.

tall soy peppermint mocha with no whip because dairy is the goddamn devil. Christmas music is playing in this place. I love Christmas, but I am going to be a complete ass about it this year. I will enjoy my family ... okay so I won't be an ass, I just feel pissed right now. I wish I had the stones to say Erica Albreit is a bitch, just like The Social Network's version of Mark Zuckerberg did. But Erica Albreit is fictional and therefore easy to use her real name, call her a bitch, insult her bra size and make a crack about her last name. What shall I say about the best friend? Thanks for being there for me during my breakup like I was there for you during ALL of yours... oh wait... you weren't. Thanks for always being honest with me about the little things... fuck, you didn't do that either. Thanks for not needing to be the center of fucking attention with every male we have ever encountered... wait a second... you have been. Thanks for not holding my boyfriend's hand because you were lonely and "scared" while watching a movie with him at your house... well, fuck me sideways, you did that too. Fuck you. You're a selfish, ego-centric bitch and you don't deserve the man that you are with. You're a mean girl, a bitch, a back-stabber, shit-talker and I whole-heartedly regret every time I ever stood up for you. Sam wrote that  entry about you. The one about the person who so full of shit and he can see right through you... yeah it's about you, sweetheart. Moving half-way across the country is not far enough away from you. Fuck  off and die you fucked up slag.

Depression is a bitch and I have been off my meds for too long. I don't mean a thing of what I just wrote. I just needed to say it to get every whim of an emotion I've had in the last hour to come out.

Sam, sweetheart, handsome, dear sweet and loving man... you have ruined my life. Completely. Totally and without second thought. You ruined me. You destroyed us. And you killed me inside and all over. You ruined me.

Alright, dear readers, if you have hung on this long, you deserve every single ounce of this thinspiration. Go hard today, loves. Starve on. Drink water. Work out. Restrict. Get through it. Do  your best not to slip up.We are better than the fat on our bodies and we will be weightless, thin, and free one day. <3

the beautiful body of kate moss

math isn't hard.

jeans fit her beautiful bones so perfectly

i fall more in love with Natalie every day

Kristen Bell has my height and body type... She is my ultimate goal

itty bitty perfection

trust no one

I have been dealing with the fact that even my "best friend" will and has failed me and will continue to do so. I can only trust God. Which he is clearly demonstrating over and over again. I'm so glad I am moving away from this stupid place. I will miss my mother terribly and I wish I could take her with me, but that's not an option. I wish I could take my little brother too, but he doesn't belong to me. It's gonna be rough not having them around... but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Fuck this city and everyone in it.

I consumed roughly 600 cals today. Way too many. I am making cabbage soup tomorrow. I did work out for an hour and a half. I'm shooting for two tomorrow. Focus on abs. And cardio. I've gotten really out of shape. Fuck everyone else. I can control me. I can trust me. And I will.

the last time

I just ate my last fast food meal ever. It was pretty gross. I feel like I need to purge. I'm not going too. Well, I'm going to do my best not to. This horrible feeling is so not worth it. It's been a really good birthday. I am really fat. Tomorrow I will be working out twice and keeping to fruit and juice only. I've let myself slip. Went shopping today. Refuse to buy new pants. I have so many cute jeans that don't fit because I've become too fat. The only vice I am allowing myself is alcohol. Life is too stupid without it. No bread. No dairy. Time to start loving myself again. Loving the hunger pains. Loving the sweet pain of becoming thin and small. Time to do it right.

salad coffee soup

Red Flags and Long Nights - She Wants Revenge

Past few days all I have had has been coffee salad and soups. Good stuff. Truvia sweetener for coffee. Dipshit is convinced his marriage is going to work this time. Fuck it. I have myself. I need to workout and get back to me anyway. Sex is my favorite cardio though... so... yeah. Back to running and jump rope in the sauna suit. Fuck. This blog is my bloody spilled open honesty. I love it. Half of my cares and wants his marriage to work, because maybe the third time is the charm but the dark side is laughing over a glass of wine already because she knows it will fail. Dark side Emma is so much more confident. And harsh on me the way I need her to be. Going to sleep a bit bitter. Angry. I just got rejected, but only in my own mind. I way past due on sleep. Here goes. Tomorrow coffee salad and MAYBE soup.

Get thin or die trying <3
Starve on loves.

the body we all want

the touch we all crave

i will be her one day.
i will be perfect enough for you to see me and see your mistake in leaving me

back on motherfucking track

10 more Reasons Why:

1.We can buy really small size tops and they will gracefully hang off us and we will look amazing and like models.
2.We will have more money than all our friends cause when we go out we don't buy food.
3.Boys will pick us up and we will weigh nothing and they will go 'wow your so light, i could carry you for ages'.
4. Fat girls will be jealous and thin girls will be jealous, cause no one will be as thin as us.
5.When people stay round our houses we can walk around in our underwear and they will hide in big clothes cause we embarrass them.
6.On holiday we can strut around the pool in our Bikinis and all heads will turn and all eyes will follow us, because we are beautiful.
7.When people see us eating they won't think 'FAT COW'.
8.Everyone will go "(your name) looks amazing today" "Who's she?" "The really thin one".
9.Everyone will talk about how thin you are.
10.Everything will be perfect.

I start my ABC Juice fast tomorrow. Amped as fuck.

juice fast

Tomorrow I am getting an early start and going to purchase some 100% juice. I will be on a fast for four days. I am very excited!! I haven't had a proper fast in months, and my jeans are starting to show it.
Hannah got arrested for stealing and I had to bail her out of jail. It was a close call. I almost got caught. I got out faster than she did though, good thing too. Going to jail is the last goddamed thing that I need. I am done stealing. Not worth it.
I'm still sleeping with Jake.
I hope to lose 10 lbs by the end of this week. Losing 20 by Halloween would be superb, but I know it would be quite difficult. I have so many jeans that are too small for my fat gut lard disgusting ass. I cringe when I look in the mirror. A proper fast is just the thing I need!
One of the people from group gave me a book about eating disorders. It triggered me. I binged. I cried. I almost cut again but my old cuts haven't healed and I was afraid. My last ones were bad. Deep. Purple and puffy. I punched them so hard. I need to renew my scripts and see a doctor to get more. I am afraid what will happen if I go off completely.
I'm so fucked up.

Tomorrow is a new day! A day of fasting! I'm excited!!

proud i can ever be of what i hate

I eat when I'm  alone. When I'm lonely. I hate my body. Dimples and fat. How can women be proud to be fat? Don't they know it's disgusting? Unsightly. Unhealthy. I am one of those fat people you hope to never be. Beauty is so much more than being thin, I hear. Not to me. Not ever.  As long as my stomach bulges and my legs touch I will always be a little bit ugly. I will never be truly beautiful. I hate eating. Coffee. Salad. Tea. No sugar. No milk. No cheese. Running. I need to rid myself of disgusting habits. I hate being ugly and alone.

fuck

poor girl
working the drive thru tonight
you work hard
maybe have some kids
im about to puke
up everything you sold me
all ten dollars worth
gonna cut my skin up
for being so weak
punch it till i bruise
i am fucking sack of shit
bleed baby bleedy
you ugly piece of filth
bleed till it hurts
punch the cut till it bleeds
blood on my knucles
blood splatter on my sheet
time to eat
time to purge
fuck my life
you jennifer
you love
you hewitt
you look just like her
of course he picked his wife over me
fuck me solid
fuck me proper
fuck me always
i am shit

no intent or motive

sensible heart - city and colour

fuck fuck my life
fat as fuck
drinking + vico
wish i had some snow HATE
i hate me
more than anyone ever could

HATE
hate
me
he doesnt even want to fuck me any more
piece of shit
fat ugly piece of shit
no one wants me

sam left 
jake would rather hate himself than fuck me
we hooked up last week again

all the drugs in the  world wouldnt
kill this
pain
this hate
i have forme
time for a ciggo

i hate me

i hate this

i hate life

kill me now kill  me now kill me now kill me... now

here it comes

Like Knives - City and Colour

And the thoughts they come like the rain. When a big storm comes and it rains for weeks. I'm ready for rain. To wash off all the parts of who I used to be. Who I no longer want to call myself. I want to be stronger but I am so convinced that I can't be... and fuck... I just want to end it because what the fuck is the point? Everything I want in life ... I keep getting set back ten steps for every three I take... It's too hard... it's not worth it... I'm not worth it. I want to kill myself. I have enough pills now to pull it off. I truly hope that tomorrow makes my life worth living. I believe some miracle will happen to save me. I have to believe this... God hasn't let me down so far... right?

walking

I'm so fucking high right now that I can't even stand. Or walk. I hope this is coherent. I hate my life. I've given up stealing, I feel like things on the edge of getting better... but they have to get worst first... closer the holidays get... the worse I am  going to feel and the more drugs I will be taking.  My life hurts. The working all the time. The keeping up appearances with friends. Pretending. God the fucking pretending. I wish I could just nail some attractive guy again. It felt better. During and after. And if I hadn't seen Sam the day after, I'd be so much better. I wouldn't be this hurt. I love feeling this disconnect from emotion. It's peaceful, and loose.

cow

Ate like a fuckin cow today. Gross. Had two belinis a beer a loaf of bread from an Italian restaurant, calamari, and minestrone soup. Fat. Running in the morning. Had a dream about running. I need to.

I mentioned throwing myself at someone who was fragile and broken. Well that man is in the process of rekindling his marriage. I am too disgusting to have the men I want. God  I need to lose weight. Also, there is an ana girl I used to work with, and she is dating the only attractive guy from work... the only one I invested a bit of time in. She's thin as shit. She's lost control though, because she passes out at work all the time, or she did. So of course she is skinny as shit and gets the guy. He's been dating her for awhile now. Trying to hide it from me. Fuck. My. Life. I got my meds today. Sam's birthday is at the beginning of next month. I plan on stay in an ambien coma the entire two day span. Fuck. I need to take my fucking meds soon. I need to find a psychiatrist as well. To re-prescribe my meds when I use them up. Okay. Shit. Thinking about Sam and his birthday ... making me feel really suicidal. Shit. I need these meds and I hate it. I wanted to be dead by now. And then the holidays. And my birthday. Which was only good the past two years. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I know Chris will never want me... no matter what I feel in my heart... no matter what... Chris will never love me. Even though I pray about it... that man will never love me. I'm too fat. I'm too disgusting. I don't think I am going to make it till Christmas.
That guy I mentioned before - the divorced one who is trying to get back with his wife...is also sleeping with me... yeah. Don't go feeling too bad for me... I'm a terrible fucking human being.

fat girls eat

Today wasn't too brutal, food-wise. I had a salad with salmon, no butter pepper or salt, with balsamic vinaigrette, a caprese sandwich, and a bowl of fruit. A bit too much carb, but I can't uneat it. I'm gonna try to swing a fast tomorrow. Also I worked out this morning. 250 for abs. 20 lunges. And arms. Weak, bur it's a start. Chris has been running 18 miles a week. He's a bigger ana than me haha. JK He eats like a fucking cow, no way he is ana. Anyway. Tomorrow, I'm bringing on a run, if I can swing it. It's my monthly, so we'll see.

This photo has really been keeping me motivated. My wife <3

right back where I want me

Constant Knot - City and Colour

I just purged for the first time in over a month. I feel so much better. I feel like I'm getting myself back... if that makes any sense. I'm a bit scared though, because I am not on my meds any more. I am done with bread. Being Pescatarian, has been relatively easy, but I need to give up bread and fried foods. The weight will fall off I am sure... I just need to get rid of those two things. AND cut back on cheese. Guh, purging cheese is the absolute worst. Smells. Horrid. Worst to think of that staying in my body. Gross! I am waking up at sixish tomorrow and I am gonna workout. I have to meet with my group early in the morning... kind of. Can't explain detail as it might give away too much about me and my identity. My worthless step sister and the idiot psycho she let knock her up are going to be moving in. Awesome. I need to move out by the end of this month. I will probably move out with Hannah. I know. I'm really asking for it. Hooked up with Jake. I don't want to go into detail, for his anonymity's sake. Fun though. Ready for sleep now.

willow is dead

I've gotten fat... ter. I am nothing special. Keep getting rejected by anyone I've had feelings for. Might start taking drugs to cut the weight. Not sure yet. Next week I have my photoshoot... so I definitely won't be eating this week. Found my ana girls. Getting back to being smart. Getting back to being thin. I hate my life. The thoughts are back. The depression is ten times worse than before... well... ten times worse than it was last week. I need my meds. Priority number one, get meds. Number too, stop being fat. Number three, get a new fucking job. Everyone I like there got fired. Fuck that place. It's not worth the bullshit money I don't even make. It's get thin time. I hope I can shed ten before the photoshoot.

fuck

I am a horrible person. I took advantage of someone. I threw myself into lust because getting guys to want to fuck me or getting them to pull  down their pants is the one thing I am good at. Just when I thought I started to hate Sam... I don't. His body is the only one I want. His love. His perfect lips. His perfect embrace.  I have my retreat tomorrow... I don't think anything could make me hate myself more  or lose the will to live any more... I made out with Justin. He's a faggot. Big time. I miss my Sam. I miss him. His love. His embrace. His everything. Chris deployed, and our karaoke place closed down. Fuck. Even the supreme love I felt for Chris feels like nothing at this point. I want to  hear his voice.  My Sam. I miss him. I hate me more than anything else.

the gun is cocked

After my entry the other night my best called. Sam has a new girlfriend. It is the skinny bitch I feared. And I am going to kill myself. It's only a matter of time. I got prescribed zoloft and xanax. My case  worker was worried about me so I had to go on suicide observation for 23 hours. I am going to end my life. I just need to collect a few more pills. I'm not excited. I'm nothing. I've cried so hard these past 24 hours. I want  to die. And I will.

within seconds

of me publishing the most recemt emtui i get a call from my brofor life///o make her tp the point.... shed rather have bad news come from her than anyine else... Sam has a fuckig girlfriend.

so in case my last article was in anyway unclear...  this next part wont be. plan good to go full steam a head. death as soon as i can swing it.. maybe tomorrow.. i still have wiggled out the fine tunings. the  ambien is  making me make little bit wee-yord.

the self loathing and desire tzo matter in  hislife is driving me mad. Crazy mad. I  hope step-mom gets those frequent flier miles with here newkob. she can send me awsy..toomuch amvien.. needsleep,

i wish i didnt have to wake up. i hate life so much passion and i  fail to accurately describe the torment

its happenig soon. this week. very soon.

letter

Hannah is GIVING me twenty pills. I wrote my suicide letters. Cried. A lot. It's gonna happen. I just need to find some stationary to write the letters on. Plan out my last day and metaphorically pull the trigger. I think I might try to get some more pills. I want to make sure it works. I'm doing this by the end of the month. Time to go into starvation mode.

no...but my ears are like

no... but my ears are like, REALLY burning.Concerned friends turn to check on me in the backseat. lol wtf did they really think fire had spontaneously spawned from my ears? haha, jackasses. I crack myself up. Super high right now. Every minute that goes by feels like twenty, so I giggle whenever I check the clock. Like I tricked the world or something. So! I hallucinated from weed for the first time tonight! First, the beat of the song (Metric is an AWESOME band when you're high btw) was strobing in my brain. Then I thought about how I can feel the song in my bones. And then my mind put an image to the thought, and apparently Microsoft Word has brain-washed my brain to use clip-art as my instan-image for my brain. So I these pop art looking femur bones are flashing in quad-screen, purple, yellow, and hot pink, and they start strobing in my head. If you're ever seen clip-art, you know how bad it is. It's basically just charcoal outlines, and whatever now-rich-jackass though of that, I truly envy. Anyway, so clip-art is awful,  so the ends of the bones start to look like  little mushrooms. And I really hope people get the reference of this next part because it truly makes it. So my brain starts zooming in on the mushrooms and then skews them into little shapes of hundreds scrolling horizontally on the screen, a la Beauty and the Beast, "Be Our Guest" song. For real. That was  my hallucination. For whatever reason, I found this hilarious, and couldn't stop giggling as I drove. Which helped with my crazy day-mouth. And now here I am... high as a kite, loading Buffy on netflix, and hating my life so much my insides die a little more, each day. I miss Sam so much. I cry where ever I am. Even at the restaurant Chris works at on the side. I went to visit him today. He said he likes when friend's surprise him at work. My Chris-crush from tortuous days of old, is not back, so no one panic! My head is doing that pounding thing. I wanna watch Buffy. Hey! Xander is totally hot! I don't know why he didn't get more play. Seth Green is way hotter though. Well... idk Nicholas Brendon has also been hot... but Seth Green is sexy AND super creative... Ugh! I am not debating over the hotness or dudes who are probably in their forties by now! Holy shit. My chest burns. Like a super stingy feeling. Ouch-ees. Maybe my stupid Chris-crush is back! :( Shit. *whines*  It's like some  stupid part of my heart refused to let go of  him. Ouch, the starbursts and twisslers are burning in my throat. Guh. I hate that my Chris thing never goes away. Not even when I was with Sam. FML.I loved Sam100%. More than anyone and I wanted nothing more than anything to be his wife... I never wanted to be wasted, stoned, or anything for that matter, other than his wife and mother to his children. He was all I needed to be happy. I want to buy a gun. Make it quick. No time to second guess. I hate myself. My only goal was to keep Sam with me! And I failed. I fucking failed so bad. I was everything. EVERYTHING he could  ever want or need... and still. I wasn't enough. I fell short. I'm still too fucking fat and he was disgusted with having ever slept with me! How can you just stop loving someone like  that! Why did he hurt me! What "test" of his did I fail? I would have done ANYTHING  for him. I hate myself for losing him. I'm starting to cry because I am remembering  something I repressed. When I was asking him if I had done this or that differently, would he have stayed or if this or that was the nail in the coffin... and he said "None of that would've mattered...cause from the beginning...." and now my un-sober mind untangles things and sees how he could've meant it differently than the horrible way my sadist mind interpretes things. My high mind unravels things and sees them, probably how Sam would've seen them. In the way he meant it to be rather than the way my sad past makes my mind think it to be.  I need to write that I think the  original intention of that is said in a more  sweet and gentle, descending type of way... rather than the bitter, angry, regretful type of way. Otherwise I will forget the Sam way. He was never as mean as my  stupid bitch mind made him out to be. This is a long rambly-stoned-person's type of blog. Okay. Bye now.

It took me 45+ minutes to write and proof read this entry. teehee.

death is crying

Death is crying loud enough for anyone to hear but no one is around. I've had two glasses of White Merlot and an Ambien. I'm gonna try again soon. I am going to do it soon. I will go to him and try to kiss him and he will deny me and I wish I had a gun so I could do it fast. But I know he will deny my affection so I will take the pills first. I will have my last meal early in the day. Then I will spend the  day making myself pretty - tanning, pedicure, get my hair done, and find my best outfit. Then at night I will drive to  his place. I will beckon him outside and look into his perfect brown eyes and take in for as long as I'm allowed, all of his beauty. Then  I will go for the kiss. The love-making proposition. And when he denies me, which he will, it won't matter because I will be so full of pills death will already be upon me. I'm anxious to die and get  rid of  this  life. I loathe it. I  love my room but hate my reflection in the mirror. Love my family, but have the love or no other. All my friends are too busy for me. Well, now they can live burden free  lives. Time to finish Buffy. I will write every day until I can no longer write...

only have eyes

listening to I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos

It's been a rough couple of days that I have been delaying the ordeal or rehashing. Stupid Hannah was talking to Sam over facebook and he might be drinking now. I started crying so hard when she told me, I nearly collapsed. I can't remember when I cried that hard. Well, WELL before my hospital stay. The episode of Buffy featuring this song, is loading. I've always been in love with this song though. This version in particular. I spent the first half of this day in an ambien daze. I accidently took my double dose of my anti-depressant too close together, plus I was "hung over" from the ambien and I felt stupid stoned today. And depressed. I couldn't stop crying. Last night was bad too right before I went out with Michelle. We hung out at Dave & Busters for her friend's birthday. A guy I used to date, a model-gorgeous guy, was supposed to be there. No luck. Sam is WAY hotter than him though. Sam is so beautiful. Michelle hesistated when I asked her if I set the bar too high with Sam. I did. He's so beautiful. Fuck. My life still sucks. I'm almost out of Ambien. I've been binging A LOT. Twice without purging. Good thing my mom is guilting me about buying healthy food and me not eating it. I am going to do the cardiac diet starting tomorrow. It's easier on weekends sometimes. *sigh* I hate being fat. Most of all I hate being me. Hannah bought me dinner tonight. It was nice. Then I went to her house and smoked two bowls of hookah. I love that spacey feeling I get. Alright. It's Buffy time. I might post later.

brand new

listening to After All that it's Come to This by Amos the Transparent

I purged. Everything. From the healthy chicken and carrots (how British of me) from around 6pm, to the chips and salsa and jalapenos (probably a good thing), to whatever was left of margaritas in my system, to the breakfast Jack from Jack in the Box (Sam always got those, with strawberry and grape jelly), to the two jr. bacon cheeseburgers with Frank's Red Hot sauce... I'd say I got 90% of it purged. Oh! I forgot to mention the empanada, which was gross, I only like pumpkin and I ate pineapple one  during my first feast along with a quesadilla. So all in all, I am pretty disgusting. My throat burns from ripping all the spices back out of it. I took another Ambien, because I assume I barfed up the other one. I am so tired. I was sweating and dazing during the purge. My back started to hurt, I  purge standing up. My step-mom caught me on my way out to get the food. She also waited up  for me... so... I REALLY hope she didn't catch me purge. I really want to die. I fucking hate life. Purging is my best friend in that sense. Purging is my only fucking friend. I wish I was brave enough to slash my writs... I think about it every single day. How I want to take a knife and do  what Sam did... just slam it down on my wrist... Alright. I am going to sleep now. Empty.

crying in public

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

I've been drinking. Took my ambien. I know I am over doing it with this song. My case worker saw me today. I will apologize now, for the typos I miss. She has been like blah blah you'll find someone better. Whatever, beesh. You've never met .... holy shit I started typing his real  name. Thnk God I caught it. Ive said his  name so many times it rolls off the tongue  so well. I went out with Bekah tonight and cried over margarita number two. I want to binge so bad.  But if I take a car anywhere I will end up with a smoking engine, a court date and a suckfest. Hannah is pissed at me and Bekah. *shrug* Bekah feels the way I do about her now - human poison. I started talking to Chris's sister. Maybe she will invite me over to smoke out. I'm so there. I've had a chance to smoke weed at a shindig this past weeekend and it was goooooood shit but I didn't feel comfortable in front of Bekah and Hannah. They'd be like *shrug* it's your choice but deep down I'd feel like I let them down. I talked to Chris. Made him feel bad for not texting me. Still no word from Michelle. Bitch. I miss Sam so much... fuck talking about him today was murder. I had the chest contractions, wishing I would die while I surpressed the urge to cry. Like I said some month or so ago, suicide is ALWAYS on the table. I could put a bag over my head and call it a life tonight. God he was good to me. I miss his scent the most. I hope he feels it tonight. The deep pain. I hope he misses me to the point of tears.  I can't live without him and I fucking refuse to.

Sweet my mom just got home. I gonna binge. Even if I take my car that has a donut on it. I don't care about jail right now. All I care about  it a jr bacon cheeseburger and whatever I can afford from Jack in the Snack. Yes. I know what I said. Yes, I know I have a problem.



*I know I haven't posted thinspo. I haven't felt worthy. I've gained 5lbs. I will soon. The desire to be thin will be back. It's still here. I just feel too worthless for Ana.

bad stuff is easier to believe

listening to Confessions by City and Colour

I binged. I'm sitting with that horrible feeling in my stomach. I cried nearly ten times today... maybe more. The pain of not having Sam hit me pretty hard. I'm loading Buffy right now. Netflix is being stupid slow. I hated the first 45 minutes or so of group today. I felt so disconnected. I felt... so much self-hate that talking about myself was the last damned thing I  wanted to do. I just found out that there is a mandatory retreat July 8-10. I think I'm excited about it. I have felt such deep urges about suicide lately. My entire body is sore from working out with Bekah, which is promising. I might go swimming with Hannah tomorrow. If not I will definitely being doing a sauna suit workout. I am so tired but I want  to wait at least three hours before I sleep. I took two ambien last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved it. Gonna take two tonight too. I don't care if I am over doing it. I'd rather sleep through tomorrow than live through it. I am becoming such an awful blogger. Bekah and I reconciled our fight by the way. My memory isn't quite as sharp as it once was. I think it is the medication and that scares me. My memory has always been so vivid and now... OH! Chris had his going away party last night! I wasn't invited or informed of when it was... Michelle went! What a bitch! She didn't even tell me! Or text to ask where I was! I cried so hard I gave myself a panic attack today. Gosh, how could I not recall that immediately? It really hurt. I am not going to speak with either Michelle or Chris. Ignoring Michelle will be easy since she is such a shit friend anyway. She NEVER calls or texts me unless I call/text her first. I'm sick of her. Good giggles, good times, but those times are over now. I sound so childish, I know... Bekah got a new job. I need a new one. I should apply tomorrow. I won't. I have a meeting with my case worker tomorrow. I hope I can get zanex or ativan or something for my anxiety. Fuck. It's only been twenty or so minutes since I looked at the clock.

I miss Sam so much.
It hurts so much to live without him.

I know what I am supposed to do. I know I am supposed to let go of the pain and give it to God but I don't know how. The pain is deep within... and maybe it is just a matter of believing that God actually can take that pain away, that ANYONE can. Cause it is so intense and the medication I am on (though the dosage is stronger  now) can't keep the tears and melancholy at bay. Maybe it is just as easy as asking God to take it away from me... and trusting that He will.

No chemical
no amount of whiskey
can take away the wound
you gave when you left me
it grows and deepens
the more I smile
and seem to be alright
but nothing it seems
can comfort me this sad stupid night
no amount of food can fill
all the purging in the world
and starvation to the point of unconsciousness
none of it will bring you back to me
and I am left more  broken than before
and this stupid little heart...
beats no more

That was a pretty shitty poem. I will stop making the world a dumber place by filling it will useless information.

suicide stuffs

I can't help but trying to find a way to die. I hate my life a lot. Not the people... just  me and the lack of  life in my life. The fact that there is nothing that makes my life special and different. That I owe so much money and have no way of  making it... the fact that I so desperately would rather be waiting tables in LA and going on auditions and getting rejected only to go on a hundred more auditions only to get rejected, because at least then, I'd be trying. Nothing makes my life that... nothing makes it special or worth living...I had that in Sam. Something ordinary, yet rare and my life was to be rejoiced with him playing a role in it. I heard some male friends talking about a girl. One of them was saying, how he was trying to make this girl his only girl and his girlfriend... he said, "she's worth all the bullshit." It's just crazy how... Sam used to feel that way about me. Gosh if I have any daily readers, they must really hate every time Sam's name is mentioned haha. I've already taken my ambien. Nothing interesting has happened. I went to the river on Saturday, we barbequed after. Today I went to the pool with Hannah, and my family made hamburgers when I got home. That was nice. Then me and my momma went to  get milkshakes for everyone. It's been a pretty awesome Sunday, actually. I'm getting a pretty good tan going, too. It's pretty awesome. Bekah is gonna start working out with me. She is in crazy good shape, so this should be interesting. I hope she can help me  lose at least 40lbs this summer. I'd still be overweight by the end of it but I'd look a lot better and feel a lot better, being 40lbs lighter. She works out H A R D, so ... we'll see. She's gonna be monitoring what I eat when she's around too, so again, this should be interesting. I'm scared/excited. Well, the ambien is begging me to sleep now. I'm either gonna get thin or die trying.

Alexandra Lawn at Waterloo Records, I believe

This butt is why I run until I absolutely can't any more.

The beautiful Miss Alexandra Lawn, once again.

37

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

Oh, Dallas Green your voice rips through the very center of me... making my pain exquisite and beautiful in every ounce of agony.
I called into work today. I woke up around 7am and started trying to get my shift covered. No such luck. Didn't care. I called in anyway. I starved all day until 7pm ish. I binged. And then I purged. Hard. I started getting dizzy. And the vomit started getting acidic and bitter, like stomach bile, so I stopped. I'm so not hungry right now but I want to binge again. Fuck, I turned my weight management into a real problem. I can't stop though. I want to be thin. Since the purge, I've had two Mexican lollipops and a fiber one bar because... yeah. I slept most of the day. See when I woke up at 7am, I took another Ambien. I know. I'm over doing it. But if living through everyday was a burden to you, I'm sure you would be trying to sleep through it, too. I go to the river tomorrow. I'm excited because I will be getting more tan so that means I will LOOK thinner. A tan makes everyone look better. That's why all of Hollywood has just a kiss of honey on their skin. My heart started aching during  the purge. And now my ribs hurt. My throat started giving out too, but I had more purging to do. I  worked out for a little under an hour with the sauna suit so I got a good sweat going. Took a freezing cold shower. Also, I had two cigarettes today. One in my room so it's off limits again haha. Would it be too Debbie Downer to bring my City and Colour album along for the road-trip? I'm gonna take it anyway. My vision is getting a bit blurry. I'm gonna drink heavily tomorrow and probably binge heavily. I just hope I can get home in time to purge. Those Mexican lollipops are addictive. I'm gonna have another. Know what's cool? The word gonna is no longer considered misspelled. I'm gonna try to workout in the morning before we go to river... and after I purge tomorrow I am going to try to work out then too. I just want to be thin, and starving isn't an option when you're around the same group of people for over eight hours. Well,  this episode of Buffy is almost over - I knocked out the first season in two days. I'm on season two now. Then I will watch my Sandra Bullock flick, 28 Days... try to wrap my head around the message that I know is important... Alright.... That's all for tonight.
OH! Before I forget! My page got 37 hits today and I felt so proud! Haha! Thanks for caring, thanks for reading, it warms my  heart in the best way. And for those of you who comment, I very much appreciate it. Makes me feel like this blog isn't a waste. If anyone can relate in anyway, then there is a good reason why I am doing this, even if it feels like  depressing ramblings to me. So  thanks! 200+ pageviews and growing!

And on a much sadder level of being,  a level that not  even the articulate Dallas Green can soothe with his sad word songs and acoustic guitar... today, May 27, would've been Sam's and mine two year anniversary. This night last year, everything had gone wrong with our trip to the beach... but at least we had each other...we got ourselves through it. We loved each other. We showered together in one of those horrible motel 6 shower stalls that is built for someone 5'5 and 100lbs. Sam was quite fit and thin but ... I'm another story. But we made it work. :) We loved each other and made it work. I miss him. I miss his embrace. His curly hair. His smile. His voice. His smell. His kindness. His sensitivity. His innocence... God I will  miss him so much. I hate that I have to go through all this pain. Happy Anniversary, Handsome Man... I hope you're having a good night and you can think of me just once... God let his miss me at least once today. Cause I miss him all day every day...let him miss kissing me. Talking to me and seeing me... let him miss us... Please, God... so that I know I'm not crazy for loving him still.

fasting

I ALWAYS feel like binging big time before a long fast! Tomorrow I  will be fasting for 30 hours. It will start at1am tonight and end  11am on Saturday...so technically its like a 35 hr fast. Only liquid. Has to stay under 200 cals! I wanna meet the guy the chemicals, I want a boy so drunk  he doesn't talk... BrightEyes quotes.... ughhh ambien is kicking in before I could feast!

can't live

Got in a fight with Bekah today. Hannah the human poison, poisoned me. I've been thinking a lot about death lately. There's only one website that actually has suicide methods listed. It's my favorite site. I've been watching the suicide scene from Rules of Attraction a lot. I'm thinking of taking every pill I have. Surely, I have enough to put me in a coma. I want to die so badly. I realized today how pathetic I am. How I have NO friends. My phone is on the fritz and it truly does not matter because I really have no one to call or text. I've been bothering Chris a lot. Michelle too. Their responses are very slight. Even though I am losing weight... I still want to die. I should keep  binging and purging... it destroy my useless heart so it will never beat again (that's partially a Motion City Soundtrack quote). I don't have a car. I have a shit job. My love left me. I'm fat. I want a cigarette so bad. And a drink. I want to b/p so bad right now. We don't have enough food in the house for a binge though. If I can take my mom's car I will go to Jack in the Box. That's my binge food. It's so gross and terrible for you. . But you can get anything there: milkshake, burger, curly fries, tacos, "chinese," funnel cake... anything! Guh... I wanna purge just thinking about it. Let's face it. Bulimia and cigarettes are really on my side right now. I'm going to the river on Saturday with Hannah. I hate myself. I'm gonna take an ambien...and drink a lot. Maybe I will drown. I feel really fucking worthless right now...

weirdy McBeardy

So my stupid blogspot quicklink stopped working so sorry for not posting. Ignoring my people is not my style haha like I have  people. Anyhow, so yesterday I stayed at about 600 calories and worked out  so hard I started dry heaving. It was awesome. Today, I got sick at work, which is probably good because my fat ass couldn't stop grazing. I weighed myself this morning. Still have only lost a pound this month. But that's to be expected since I binged so much. I'm gonna stay in bed the rest of the night and drink only water. I feel really awful sick. I will post if I start to feel the urge to binge or if anything interesting happens. Work was really stupid. I had a dream about Chris... so naturally this morning I was in the mood to party with him tonight... I think he is dating someone though and I don't want  to cramp his style. It was a good dream :/
I cried today at work talking about Sam. I've been crying a lot more lately... ugh. I don't want to talk about this.  I'm just gonna lay in bed all day and watch Buffy on netflix.

stupid stupid girl

Today, during recovery, I thought to myself, "I haven't felt that pain deep in my heart lately... I forgot what it feels like... I wish I had that pain again." Well, I'll just go fuck myself now because it is back and I  remembered why I was honest with my doctor... I was honest about my anxiety attacks mainly because I  wanted zanex, but also because they were severe and crippling. All I can do is cry. I've just sobbed on my bed a few minutes ago. I haven't sobbed since before the hospital... I've taken my ambien. I've already called dibs on Hannah's zanex. I  want to die. This pain. This crying. This agony. I don't want it. I  just want my Sam back. I thought I had given up  hope. I thought I resigned to that flicker of a flame of hope that will burn forever somewhere in the back of my mind. It's as though someone has just squeezed lighter fluid over that small blue flame and the fire and pain is consuming all of me... I think I will binge and purge. That way I can eat, lose weight and kill myself all at once... I think the ambien is kicking in... I've read back on my entries where the ambien kicks in and there are a lot  of misspelling and typos and I find that embarrassing, yet I'd feel full of shit if I corrected those ambien induced typos. If that makes any sense...sleep now.

sensible heart

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

I binged again today. Recovery  group was good. I admitted my binging and purging. I hope ... I don't know what I hope really. I hope I get better? I hope I can get thinner. I truly do. I want to be better so that when I go to L.A. I am ready for the world of hurt I am getting myself into. I also felt really encouraged to play my guitar. My pointer nail is so screwed up right now so I'm hesitant to play guitar with it cracked in half. I'm loading a film on my netflix called Disfigured. It is about anorexia. I hope it's good. I've eaten so terrible today. I was gonna work out with Hannah but she spazed. When Sam bought me this City and Colour album for Christmas, I thought, "What a shame I won't get super into it... because I have no reason to be sad any more." I cried about him quite a few times today. I couldn't stop thinking about him this morning. I have that horrible pain in my chest right now... God it's been gone for such a long time. I think it's because I want to purge... I won't. I  must suffer the consequences of my binge. I will starve tomorrow. And thinking  about Sam...

the darkness grows inside me
when I sleep
it found it's place deep within my chest
some few months ago
and never left
it deepens
it widens
and takes my will to live right with it
my worth
my love
my want for a new life
without it
this darkness
this abyss
inside the very core of me
it sleeps for me and weakens me to bed rest
I can't move and it leaves me breathless
this darkness  within me
it consumes
making me a nothing
leaving me to fill it with filth
leaving me to starve it out
this pain is mine
few understand
even fewer try to
this darkness consumes me...
this darkness becomes me
"purgeless"

I haven't written a poem in a long time.Months. Weird. I'm so afraid of my recovery group. I'm so afraid to be healed because I've been damaged my whole life. It's what I know. Sad and pathetic as that is... I feel so sick... from all the food I ate :( I'm already having the mia side effects: bloating and constipation and constant dizziness. I think this blog is just about at the too damn long length.

unfortunately... I feel the purge coming... :/

cruelty

I've been dreaming about Sam. Cruel. Hurtful. I miss him. His tenderness. The way we would make love. I've been fantasizing about how I will kill myself. I keep trying to think about who I could get to get me some scripts. I think there are a few people at work who will have the right mixture of stuff. It sucks because everyone thinks I am better now. I'm not. I still would rather die than get better. I'm at about 400 calories for the day. I hope I can stay under 500. I am so burned. I have to go back to  work today. My step-mom said she pay for my new tire and rim. So that's a load off. I can't ever get my head above water. I'm applying for new jobs on Wednesday. I hate my life.

fever

Yesterday, I went to the river with Hannah and Bekah. Fun. We went back to Bekah's and had pizza and of course I binged. I didn't purge because Hannah was there and she used to bulimic and it made me too nervous. I had to call Michelle to get me because my car is still fucked up. It was super cool that Michelle came to get me. I need to give her more credit. She truly is my bro.
Today me and Hannah went to a friend's apartment complex pool so we could tan. Spent like three or four hours there. We burned instead. Haha. And then we went for Chinese food and I binged again. I  purged when I got home. I drank three huge glasses of tea during the meal and it made it easier to purge. My mom is cooking dinner now so I might have to purge again. Next week I will be doing my green goddess  diet because the month is almost over and I am too afraid to weigh myself. Hannah weighed herself at my house. She is 165lbs. I wish I weighed that much. That weight is still too high for me, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I hope I can get 175lbs by the end of the month. I'm so tired and it's only 6:30pm. I'm gonna sleep before my fast ass eats again.

Playing by Heart

I love small and too often forgot about film. I have heavily quoted Angelina Jolie's character throughout much of my adolescence. It's strange to know the great impact this film had on my developing I wish I had more time type about this... I truly love this film. I crashed my car today, because my ambien hadnt worn off so I hit a fighter hydrant... typing is becoming quite taxting as i have already slipped in tonight's dose.
Here's hoping tomorrow is better. my brain sleep now.

disgusting

I am vile. I am cheap. I am disgusting. I just finished purging. Felt a lot of the margarita from earlier and saw some of the chicken I ate... so thats good. I could have purged harder. I might purge again. There is still food to eat so yeah I will most def be purging later. I hate myself. I am watching How to Be a Serial Killer.... Gubler is in it. And it is hilarious... ridiculous and hilarious...I am sad sick and pathetic. Michelle is right... I don't want her to be but... Gubler does look just like Sam... I  am going to kill  myself. I wish I could go to LA. I wish I was strong. I hate myself. Gonna finish my binge/purge and then I am going to take an ambien. I hope I die. I won't.

 

she is what I will never be

just past one

its just past one am and I am ready to purge. I hate me. I hate this. I hate my stupid fucking life. Come back Sam. Save me from myself. I went to the fast food place that we would always grab a bite at... I ate his meal and mine... and now it's time... time to get it all out... I hate me.

fat

I just bought 10$ worth of fast food. I can't name the place because it's unique to the state I live in. But I bought breakfast biscuit, hash browns, orange juice, chicken strips, toast, gravy, fries, and a coke. I hate myself. I deserve to be fat. I never deserved Sam. I hate me.

michelle

So I just got done hanging out with Michelle and Bekah and Hannah. That's a lot of estrogen. Anyhow, so there were some really gross southern white trash type dudes there. Well one dude. But yeah, so we were drinking. Last night I stayed up till about 6am, watching Veronica Mars and searching for Kristen Bell thinspo. Michelle says that 30-40% of my infatuation with MGG is because he looks like Sam... like the spitting fucking image. It's truly uncanny.  I let it slip to Michelle that I have a tumblr. :/ I know her. She will be looking for it now which will ultimately lead her to this blog... she also knows that  Michelle would be her pseudonym. So yeah... I am stupid. Also, I think I have a thing for model... I think Aston Kutcher is gorgeous. Sam used to model. AND MGG used to model. I confessed to Michelle that I think I set the bar too high with Sam... because he is gorgeous (to all who see him) and he's sweet and sensitive... and wonderful. I am so in love with him still. It's so hard to keep it together. I have more scripts btw. I got them filled today. I have 300mg of ambien. I might use it... I still want to do die... especially right now... but if I take it all right now... Idk. They won't give it to me any more... I'd get to die though. I've had a lot to  drink...I want to see him though. I am gonna save as much of my ambien as possible. If having insomnia keeps the possibility of killing myself peacefully, I am going to keep it... Like I said... no matter what... suicide is always an option. I want fast food. I'm gonna  put on some pants and get  some. The meal me and Sam would always eat. I will fast tomorrow. I hate my life. I hate it so fucking much. Parents are asleep. I, gonna get some terrible food. I wish I could die right now. No thinspo tonight. I'm gonna be fat  instead. I hate myself. I hate this stupid fucking life. I am not good enough to log into my pro ana site. I'm sorry girls. I am going to fail you tonight.

 

the one where he has the apple... looks most like Sam

perfect mistakes

listening to Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Wow. A lot has happened. Well, not really maybe it feels like I just haven't written in awhile... my grandpa was taken into the hospital this past weekend and he had surgery today. We were at the hospital all day. Me and my family. Grandpa is okay. It was really scary thinking that these are going to be some of  the last times I have with him. I'm glad I got to be there. I'm glad I got to spend that kind of time with my parents and my family. I miss my family.

Last night, I went over to a co-workers house for a shindig and the cute guy who is leaving for the summer was there. I got wasted. And I stayed under 500 cals for the day so... I threw up. Big time. Real sexy, I know. On the bright-side, I text him now haha but I am so awkward that... yeah, nothing will ever happen. And I'm still way too in love with Sam to even really function around men. They're not him. They never will be. And right now... no one and nothing is good enough. So naturally, in my drunken and terrified state - there was one other female than me at this party... it was so stupid to be there. It's asking to get raped. Anyway, so I panicked and called my step-brother, David, I called Michelle. Michelle's boyfriend. David said he was sending help... but I called Sam anyway. I called him about four or five times to no avail. I texted him like crazy asking if he was dating that skank from work, only I used her name. I told him to ignore me. I told him I miss him. I love him. And then asked if he changed  his number and I was texting no one... I apologized and begged him to ignore me. I hate my life. My step-mom and dad ended up picking me up from the party. My step-mom drove my car home. I got sick when I got home again. My step-mom gave me plenty of water. I showered. And she made me food because she was reading how to prevent a hangover and something online (probably yahoo answers) said to eat fatty foods. Awesome. I was so drunk and dehydrated. I scarfed the sausage and mustard wrap she made me. And I kept it down. My embarrassment level is quite beyond mortified for that evening. I have never thrown up like that in front of people... well... not in front of the opposite gender anyway haha. None of them were in the slightest bit attractive, except for  whats-his-nuts and he was SO  not interested... which is fine. He did talk about his ex though... his 3 1/2 yr ex... he says he misses her all the time... everyday :( He broke up with her. He said she was an amazing person but... he felt pressured to marry her and he doesn't want that... and there were other things she wanted him to not do involving his career, which was irrational on her part... I would've never held Sam back. He might've been holding me back... but as long as I had his love... life was beautiful. Even if I lived an ordinary and painfully normal life, I would have had him and that would have been worth living for. I would have made a family with him and I would have had so much love and happiness... Now I have nothing. I have nothing but me and my relationship with God and the life He is carving out for me. Pulling me towards things I have always felt I was supposed to do... I might fail and make an ass of myself and put myself deep into debt... but I have to try. I'm a good actress, always have been... and I have to do this... it's almost like I'm supposed too.

 

Have you ever seen a man so dashing?

binge

I have had the strongest urges to binge. I feel hopeful but I still  feel the depression... the suicidal thoughts. Especially now. My calories were at around 500-600 for the day and I just ate a banana and sunchips so now it is closer to 700 for the day. I'm really pissed at myself. I didn't have enough control... I'm disgusting.
I finally got my car back... well that is, I got a new battery for my car so now it runs. I love that car... me and Sam made love in the back seat. It was the first time in a car for the both of us...It's weird to think that those are my memories... I feel like when I tried to kill myself that I did die. A part of me died forever... the part of me that he was in love with. The depression hurts right now. Caffeine kept me chipper today. I needed it. I only got four hours of sleep... maybe less. I didn't get to sleep around 6am ish. The insomnia is back. I had it really bad before Sam. I slept so good, when I got to thank God for giving me Sam... thank God for making him just for me... and for letting me feel that love. I think I will have another cigarette in my  room. I don't care that I shouldn't smoke in my room... I will find a way to make the smoke smell get out... I like smoking. It's the only way I  am aloud to kill myself and make sure I get it right... it just takes a long time... I  still want to go to L.A. I still want my new car. I still want to go alone. I still need to do that. I will be calling that stupid place that was supposed to refill my scripts... yeah... I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. A cute guy from  work is leaving for the summer and there is gonna be a get together at another co-worker's house. I hope I can make some sort of wonderful mistake. If only to distance myself from Sam. Those people usually have good stuff other than booze so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. Chris is gone for training. I want to binge so badly... I'm still hungry. I am such a fat sack of shit. I disgust myself. I will probably post later. Because I don't know if I will sleep tonight.

cigarettes

I just smoked a cigarette in my room. Not too bright. But I wanted one and felt a surge of immortality or something of the sort. I am circulating good smelling candles and oils and I stuffed a towel under my door before the act. I am 24 and should be able to kill myself with a cancer stick if I so please in my own room! However, I live with my parents. An insufferable circumstance which I am everyday in the process of fixing. I even have my window open. I NEVER  open the window... I kind of like it. I live on a corner  so I hear cars passing and crickets singing to each other. I just watched The Big Kahuna. Good movie. Sam loved it. He saw it right when he met me... if not just after we met. It has greatly influenced his life... but in a really good way. I think it is going to influence mine. Sam always said that if you're the same person leaving a relationship as you were going in, then it was a waste of time. I may smoke and drink still but I feel changed. My heart is broken in a very deep way that it has never been before but that is not the only change. I am different...He's different. My God did I help him grow. So ignorant. So intolerant. So right all the time. So ...  judgmental. He's not any more. He's very loving. Enormously kind. Giving. Sweet. He does his best to listen... And I hope every day that he will come back. That we will marry. But I know it won't happen. It just won't. My heart will always break when I think of him. Even if I am in California. My heart will  break, even in L.A. And I told him I wish him the best and he deserves a woman he loves... a love he won't question like he did mine... And I deeply hope that for him... I wish it could be me... but it just can't. And don't think I type this without crying... without pain... it's here. It's consuming... I miss him  and the depression will still eat away at me every day. But everyday I work to find a life of my own. I don't know if I will ever love again. I don't think I will. I don't want to. I don't think there is a man suited for me the way Sam was... And I'm okay with that. It's weird but I'd rather never love again than sell my love short. It was a deep all consuming love. And I think love is beautiful and I am happy for those who have it and I have a different kind of love with my family and it's beautiful too... I just don't want ... when you've had the man of your dreams and he isn't convinced that you're right together... you  gotta find a new dream. A dream all your own with no one else in it. A dream of yourself. For yourself. I wish I could leave tomorrow. God I wish I could. I am already thinking of the things I need to take with me... feeling let down that the Lakers are out of the playoffs... haha. The smells of coconut and the shoreline are filling my room, which is good because about twenty minutes ago it reeked of cigarette. I know who I want to be and I know God will keep  me true to the person He wants me to be... I do feel I need to leave. I don't want anything to hold me here any longer than I need to be...Nine months never seemed so long... I say nine because at the end of nine I will be done with my recovery church group. I will have enough money and I will be ready to start the new season of my life. I need a new job for the time being. My stupid job isn't cutting it and I know... I know I should have left a long time ago. I got lazy and comfortable. I'm loading a new movie  on netflix... and  I'm sending back The Big Kahuna before I have a chance to change my mind... I want to own it. I think I will buy it. I'm loading a film about the fashion industry and the affects it has had on what woman feel  pressured to be.... it's called America the Beautiful. Let you know how it turns out. Still haven't eaten anything. :)

I just reached 100 page views today. Thank you to everyone, anyone who reads this. I really appreciate it. I hope what I have to say brings you some sort of comfort or whatever emotion you may need. 

the hunger begins

So I have only consumed about 500 calories today so I'm pretty proud  of myself. I will be chugging water for the rest of the evening. I worked out with my sauna suit today and wow! There was so much sweat. Today has been good depression wise. Probably because I worked out. I have been getting increasingly into Matthew Gray Gubler. Saw two of his movies this past week. The Great Buck Howard (which he is in for  the last ten seconds haha) and How to Be a Serial Killer. Both were really good. The Great Buck Howard was amazing. Very inspiring. I need to get to L.A. but I  know I need a new car first. And a new job before that. *sigh* Everyone wants me to go back to school. I don't want to. There is no need. I just feel that it is pointless right now. I will try L.A. first and if that fails then I will attend  school. School is a fallback. I'm smart. I know I can do the whole school thing if I need to. School is easy. Life is more challening... I know if I lived in L.A. right now was waiting tables for a living and going on auditions every week, that I would be happy. That would make me happy. It truly would. I'd be acting. I'd be trying. I'd have my own life the way that I want it with no one to interfere. I love my family. I do. But I need to live for me. I  never have. Ever. And going to L.A. ... that's all me. Everyone tells me no. Everyone tells me it will be hard. Harder than anything I've ever done  before but I believe in myself and my talent. I just need to work hard and save money to get where I want to be. I also need to lose weight. I won't like the roles I would have to audition for... not at this weight. *sigh* I know it will take time. It will take time to get a new car too. And to save enough money. But I have to focus on the now. The day to day. The way to get to where I need to be. I will do this. I have to.

the original thinspiration

I have a new found respect for Britney Spears because I loved her as a kid and I have recently gone through a lot of the things she went through and it made me feel that I can relate to her... and yeah. I will be looking for some of her most thinspiring photos, because she has A LOT. But today I will be posting photos of her when she was with Justin...I post these because... well... they had a love and it's over and ... I've been wondering how that makes them feel now. I wish she hadn't cheated on them so  they could get back together... but I guess over the past ten years, they've both changed too much to ever be right together again. Life is stupid.

PS I'm having intense stomach pains right now and I have to go to a pizza party later. I'll just go fuck myself now.