sync

Can people really change? God what an overrated question. My honest to God opinion? Can people change - No, they just become better liars. Someone who cheats will always be a cheater. It's too easy. It feels good. It absolutely WILL happen again. Someone with low self-esteem does not suddenly become a champion of self, no matter how many pounds are lost or how dramatic the make-over. I will always be suicidal on some level and I will always hate myself. He will always be a cheater and even if it isn't tomorrow or the next day... he will want to cheat again.

On another really fucking depressing note - I am at an all time fat. Haven't weighed in for months... terrified. Tomorrow morning I will weigh-in. Time for this fat fucking freak show to end. <3

she not me

I hate seeing photos of little thin hipster brunettes. Mostly because that is what I was left for and more over because that isn't me and I was so desperately for it to be. I have the tiny frame to be scary thin and almost frail looking. I am so fucking sick of being the thick, big, fat, ugly and looked-over girl. Those days are fucking over. I hate myself so much. I got my ativan in, by the way. Works pretty well. I almost started smoking again. *shrug* I hate myself so much. I hate everyone. That's why I don't want to let anyone in. I wish I could... be different. Better. Thinner. Prettier. More fucking sane. I've been cutting again. And when I'm spinning out on weed, alcohol, RX and whatever else, I keep thinking I have dissociative identity disorder... that is to say that I become convinced that I have alternate personalities... that all the people closest to me aren't real. Sounds stupid and crazy, I know. But it keeps happening... *sigh* Did I mention I hate my life?