bad stuff is easier to believe

listening to Confessions by City and Colour

I binged. I'm sitting with that horrible feeling in my stomach. I cried nearly ten times today... maybe more. The pain of not having Sam hit me pretty hard. I'm loading Buffy right now. Netflix is being stupid slow. I hated the first 45 minutes or so of group today. I felt so disconnected. I felt... so much self-hate that talking about myself was the last damned thing I  wanted to do. I just found out that there is a mandatory retreat July 8-10. I think I'm excited about it. I have felt such deep urges about suicide lately. My entire body is sore from working out with Bekah, which is promising. I might go swimming with Hannah tomorrow. If not I will definitely being doing a sauna suit workout. I am so tired but I want  to wait at least three hours before I sleep. I took two ambien last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved it. Gonna take two tonight too. I don't care if I am over doing it. I'd rather sleep through tomorrow than live through it. I am becoming such an awful blogger. Bekah and I reconciled our fight by the way. My memory isn't quite as sharp as it once was. I think it is the medication and that scares me. My memory has always been so vivid and now... OH! Chris had his going away party last night! I wasn't invited or informed of when it was... Michelle went! What a bitch! She didn't even tell me! Or text to ask where I was! I cried so hard I gave myself a panic attack today. Gosh, how could I not recall that immediately? It really hurt. I am not going to speak with either Michelle or Chris. Ignoring Michelle will be easy since she is such a shit friend anyway. She NEVER calls or texts me unless I call/text her first. I'm sick of her. Good giggles, good times, but those times are over now. I sound so childish, I know... Bekah got a new job. I need a new one. I should apply tomorrow. I won't. I have a meeting with my case worker tomorrow. I hope I can get zanex or ativan or something for my anxiety. Fuck. It's only been twenty or so minutes since I looked at the clock.

I miss Sam so much.
It hurts so much to live without him.

I know what I am supposed to do. I know I am supposed to let go of the pain and give it to God but I don't know how. The pain is deep within... and maybe it is just a matter of believing that God actually can take that pain away, that ANYONE can. Cause it is so intense and the medication I am on (though the dosage is stronger  now) can't keep the tears and melancholy at bay. Maybe it is just as easy as asking God to take it away from me... and trusting that He will.

No chemical
no amount of whiskey
can take away the wound
you gave when you left me
it grows and deepens
the more I smile
and seem to be alright
but nothing it seems
can comfort me this sad stupid night
no amount of food can fill
all the purging in the world
and starvation to the point of unconsciousness
none of it will bring you back to me
and I am left more  broken than before
and this stupid little heart...
beats no more

That was a pretty shitty poem. I will stop making the world a dumber place by filling it will useless information.

suicide stuffs

I can't help but trying to find a way to die. I hate my life a lot. Not the people... just  me and the lack of  life in my life. The fact that there is nothing that makes my life special and different. That I owe so much money and have no way of  making it... the fact that I so desperately would rather be waiting tables in LA and going on auditions and getting rejected only to go on a hundred more auditions only to get rejected, because at least then, I'd be trying. Nothing makes my life that... nothing makes it special or worth living...I had that in Sam. Something ordinary, yet rare and my life was to be rejoiced with him playing a role in it. I heard some male friends talking about a girl. One of them was saying, how he was trying to make this girl his only girl and his girlfriend... he said, "she's worth all the bullshit." It's just crazy how... Sam used to feel that way about me. Gosh if I have any daily readers, they must really hate every time Sam's name is mentioned haha. I've already taken my ambien. Nothing interesting has happened. I went to the river on Saturday, we barbequed after. Today I went to the pool with Hannah, and my family made hamburgers when I got home. That was nice. Then me and my momma went to  get milkshakes for everyone. It's been a pretty awesome Sunday, actually. I'm getting a pretty good tan going, too. It's pretty awesome. Bekah is gonna start working out with me. She is in crazy good shape, so this should be interesting. I hope she can help me  lose at least 40lbs this summer. I'd still be overweight by the end of it but I'd look a lot better and feel a lot better, being 40lbs lighter. She works out H A R D, so ... we'll see. She's gonna be monitoring what I eat when she's around too, so again, this should be interesting. I'm scared/excited. Well, the ambien is begging me to sleep now. I'm either gonna get thin or die trying.

Alexandra Lawn at Waterloo Records, I believe

This butt is why I run until I absolutely can't any more.

The beautiful Miss Alexandra Lawn, once again.

37

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

Oh, Dallas Green your voice rips through the very center of me... making my pain exquisite and beautiful in every ounce of agony.
I called into work today. I woke up around 7am and started trying to get my shift covered. No such luck. Didn't care. I called in anyway. I starved all day until 7pm ish. I binged. And then I purged. Hard. I started getting dizzy. And the vomit started getting acidic and bitter, like stomach bile, so I stopped. I'm so not hungry right now but I want to binge again. Fuck, I turned my weight management into a real problem. I can't stop though. I want to be thin. Since the purge, I've had two Mexican lollipops and a fiber one bar because... yeah. I slept most of the day. See when I woke up at 7am, I took another Ambien. I know. I'm over doing it. But if living through everyday was a burden to you, I'm sure you would be trying to sleep through it, too. I go to the river tomorrow. I'm excited because I will be getting more tan so that means I will LOOK thinner. A tan makes everyone look better. That's why all of Hollywood has just a kiss of honey on their skin. My heart started aching during  the purge. And now my ribs hurt. My throat started giving out too, but I had more purging to do. I  worked out for a little under an hour with the sauna suit so I got a good sweat going. Took a freezing cold shower. Also, I had two cigarettes today. One in my room so it's off limits again haha. Would it be too Debbie Downer to bring my City and Colour album along for the road-trip? I'm gonna take it anyway. My vision is getting a bit blurry. I'm gonna drink heavily tomorrow and probably binge heavily. I just hope I can get home in time to purge. Those Mexican lollipops are addictive. I'm gonna have another. Know what's cool? The word gonna is no longer considered misspelled. I'm gonna try to workout in the morning before we go to river... and after I purge tomorrow I am going to try to work out then too. I just want to be thin, and starving isn't an option when you're around the same group of people for over eight hours. Well,  this episode of Buffy is almost over - I knocked out the first season in two days. I'm on season two now. Then I will watch my Sandra Bullock flick, 28 Days... try to wrap my head around the message that I know is important... Alright.... That's all for tonight.
OH! Before I forget! My page got 37 hits today and I felt so proud! Haha! Thanks for caring, thanks for reading, it warms my  heart in the best way. And for those of you who comment, I very much appreciate it. Makes me feel like this blog isn't a waste. If anyone can relate in anyway, then there is a good reason why I am doing this, even if it feels like  depressing ramblings to me. So  thanks! 200+ pageviews and growing!

And on a much sadder level of being,  a level that not  even the articulate Dallas Green can soothe with his sad word songs and acoustic guitar... today, May 27, would've been Sam's and mine two year anniversary. This night last year, everything had gone wrong with our trip to the beach... but at least we had each other...we got ourselves through it. We loved each other. We showered together in one of those horrible motel 6 shower stalls that is built for someone 5'5 and 100lbs. Sam was quite fit and thin but ... I'm another story. But we made it work. :) We loved each other and made it work. I miss him. I miss his embrace. His curly hair. His smile. His voice. His smell. His kindness. His sensitivity. His innocence... God I will  miss him so much. I hate that I have to go through all this pain. Happy Anniversary, Handsome Man... I hope you're having a good night and you can think of me just once... God let his miss me at least once today. Cause I miss him all day every day...let him miss kissing me. Talking to me and seeing me... let him miss us... Please, God... so that I know I'm not crazy for loving him still.

fasting

I ALWAYS feel like binging big time before a long fast! Tomorrow I  will be fasting for 30 hours. It will start at1am tonight and end  11am on Saturday...so technically its like a 35 hr fast. Only liquid. Has to stay under 200 cals! I wanna meet the guy the chemicals, I want a boy so drunk  he doesn't talk... BrightEyes quotes.... ughhh ambien is kicking in before I could feast!

can't live

Got in a fight with Bekah today. Hannah the human poison, poisoned me. I've been thinking a lot about death lately. There's only one website that actually has suicide methods listed. It's my favorite site. I've been watching the suicide scene from Rules of Attraction a lot. I'm thinking of taking every pill I have. Surely, I have enough to put me in a coma. I want to die so badly. I realized today how pathetic I am. How I have NO friends. My phone is on the fritz and it truly does not matter because I really have no one to call or text. I've been bothering Chris a lot. Michelle too. Their responses are very slight. Even though I am losing weight... I still want to die. I should keep  binging and purging... it destroy my useless heart so it will never beat again (that's partially a Motion City Soundtrack quote). I don't have a car. I have a shit job. My love left me. I'm fat. I want a cigarette so bad. And a drink. I want to b/p so bad right now. We don't have enough food in the house for a binge though. If I can take my mom's car I will go to Jack in the Box. That's my binge food. It's so gross and terrible for you. . But you can get anything there: milkshake, burger, curly fries, tacos, "chinese," funnel cake... anything! Guh... I wanna purge just thinking about it. Let's face it. Bulimia and cigarettes are really on my side right now. I'm going to the river on Saturday with Hannah. I hate myself. I'm gonna take an ambien...and drink a lot. Maybe I will drown. I feel really fucking worthless right now...

weirdy McBeardy

So my stupid blogspot quicklink stopped working so sorry for not posting. Ignoring my people is not my style haha like I have  people. Anyhow, so yesterday I stayed at about 600 calories and worked out  so hard I started dry heaving. It was awesome. Today, I got sick at work, which is probably good because my fat ass couldn't stop grazing. I weighed myself this morning. Still have only lost a pound this month. But that's to be expected since I binged so much. I'm gonna stay in bed the rest of the night and drink only water. I feel really awful sick. I will post if I start to feel the urge to binge or if anything interesting happens. Work was really stupid. I had a dream about Chris... so naturally this morning I was in the mood to party with him tonight... I think he is dating someone though and I don't want  to cramp his style. It was a good dream :/
I cried today at work talking about Sam. I've been crying a lot more lately... ugh. I don't want to talk about this.  I'm just gonna lay in bed all day and watch Buffy on netflix.

stupid stupid girl

Today, during recovery, I thought to myself, "I haven't felt that pain deep in my heart lately... I forgot what it feels like... I wish I had that pain again." Well, I'll just go fuck myself now because it is back and I  remembered why I was honest with my doctor... I was honest about my anxiety attacks mainly because I  wanted zanex, but also because they were severe and crippling. All I can do is cry. I've just sobbed on my bed a few minutes ago. I haven't sobbed since before the hospital... I've taken my ambien. I've already called dibs on Hannah's zanex. I  want to die. This pain. This crying. This agony. I don't want it. I  just want my Sam back. I thought I had given up  hope. I thought I resigned to that flicker of a flame of hope that will burn forever somewhere in the back of my mind. It's as though someone has just squeezed lighter fluid over that small blue flame and the fire and pain is consuming all of me... I think I will binge and purge. That way I can eat, lose weight and kill myself all at once... I think the ambien is kicking in... I've read back on my entries where the ambien kicks in and there are a lot  of misspelling and typos and I find that embarrassing, yet I'd feel full of shit if I corrected those ambien induced typos. If that makes any sense...sleep now.

sensible heart

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

I binged again today. Recovery  group was good. I admitted my binging and purging. I hope ... I don't know what I hope really. I hope I get better? I hope I can get thinner. I truly do. I want to be better so that when I go to L.A. I am ready for the world of hurt I am getting myself into. I also felt really encouraged to play my guitar. My pointer nail is so screwed up right now so I'm hesitant to play guitar with it cracked in half. I'm loading a film on my netflix called Disfigured. It is about anorexia. I hope it's good. I've eaten so terrible today. I was gonna work out with Hannah but she spazed. When Sam bought me this City and Colour album for Christmas, I thought, "What a shame I won't get super into it... because I have no reason to be sad any more." I cried about him quite a few times today. I couldn't stop thinking about him this morning. I have that horrible pain in my chest right now... God it's been gone for such a long time. I think it's because I want to purge... I won't. I  must suffer the consequences of my binge. I will starve tomorrow. And thinking  about Sam...

the darkness grows inside me
when I sleep
it found it's place deep within my chest
some few months ago
and never left
it deepens
it widens
and takes my will to live right with it
my worth
my love
my want for a new life
without it
this darkness
this abyss
inside the very core of me
it sleeps for me and weakens me to bed rest
I can't move and it leaves me breathless
this darkness  within me
it consumes
making me a nothing
leaving me to fill it with filth
leaving me to starve it out
this pain is mine
few understand
even fewer try to
this darkness consumes me...
this darkness becomes me
"purgeless"

I haven't written a poem in a long time.Months. Weird. I'm so afraid of my recovery group. I'm so afraid to be healed because I've been damaged my whole life. It's what I know. Sad and pathetic as that is... I feel so sick... from all the food I ate :( I'm already having the mia side effects: bloating and constipation and constant dizziness. I think this blog is just about at the too damn long length.

unfortunately... I feel the purge coming... :/

cruelty

I've been dreaming about Sam. Cruel. Hurtful. I miss him. His tenderness. The way we would make love. I've been fantasizing about how I will kill myself. I keep trying to think about who I could get to get me some scripts. I think there are a few people at work who will have the right mixture of stuff. It sucks because everyone thinks I am better now. I'm not. I still would rather die than get better. I'm at about 400 calories for the day. I hope I can stay under 500. I am so burned. I have to go back to  work today. My step-mom said she pay for my new tire and rim. So that's a load off. I can't ever get my head above water. I'm applying for new jobs on Wednesday. I hate my life.

fever

Yesterday, I went to the river with Hannah and Bekah. Fun. We went back to Bekah's and had pizza and of course I binged. I didn't purge because Hannah was there and she used to bulimic and it made me too nervous. I had to call Michelle to get me because my car is still fucked up. It was super cool that Michelle came to get me. I need to give her more credit. She truly is my bro.
Today me and Hannah went to a friend's apartment complex pool so we could tan. Spent like three or four hours there. We burned instead. Haha. And then we went for Chinese food and I binged again. I  purged when I got home. I drank three huge glasses of tea during the meal and it made it easier to purge. My mom is cooking dinner now so I might have to purge again. Next week I will be doing my green goddess  diet because the month is almost over and I am too afraid to weigh myself. Hannah weighed herself at my house. She is 165lbs. I wish I weighed that much. That weight is still too high for me, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I hope I can get 175lbs by the end of the month. I'm so tired and it's only 6:30pm. I'm gonna sleep before my fast ass eats again.

Playing by Heart

I love small and too often forgot about film. I have heavily quoted Angelina Jolie's character throughout much of my adolescence. It's strange to know the great impact this film had on my developing I wish I had more time type about this... I truly love this film. I crashed my car today, because my ambien hadnt worn off so I hit a fighter hydrant... typing is becoming quite taxting as i have already slipped in tonight's dose.
Here's hoping tomorrow is better. my brain sleep now.

disgusting

I am vile. I am cheap. I am disgusting. I just finished purging. Felt a lot of the margarita from earlier and saw some of the chicken I ate... so thats good. I could have purged harder. I might purge again. There is still food to eat so yeah I will most def be purging later. I hate myself. I am watching How to Be a Serial Killer.... Gubler is in it. And it is hilarious... ridiculous and hilarious...I am sad sick and pathetic. Michelle is right... I don't want her to be but... Gubler does look just like Sam... I  am going to kill  myself. I wish I could go to LA. I wish I was strong. I hate myself. Gonna finish my binge/purge and then I am going to take an ambien. I hope I die. I won't.

 

she is what I will never be

just past one

its just past one am and I am ready to purge. I hate me. I hate this. I hate my stupid fucking life. Come back Sam. Save me from myself. I went to the fast food place that we would always grab a bite at... I ate his meal and mine... and now it's time... time to get it all out... I hate me.

fat

I just bought 10$ worth of fast food. I can't name the place because it's unique to the state I live in. But I bought breakfast biscuit, hash browns, orange juice, chicken strips, toast, gravy, fries, and a coke. I hate myself. I deserve to be fat. I never deserved Sam. I hate me.

michelle

So I just got done hanging out with Michelle and Bekah and Hannah. That's a lot of estrogen. Anyhow, so there were some really gross southern white trash type dudes there. Well one dude. But yeah, so we were drinking. Last night I stayed up till about 6am, watching Veronica Mars and searching for Kristen Bell thinspo. Michelle says that 30-40% of my infatuation with MGG is because he looks like Sam... like the spitting fucking image. It's truly uncanny.  I let it slip to Michelle that I have a tumblr. :/ I know her. She will be looking for it now which will ultimately lead her to this blog... she also knows that  Michelle would be her pseudonym. So yeah... I am stupid. Also, I think I have a thing for model... I think Aston Kutcher is gorgeous. Sam used to model. AND MGG used to model. I confessed to Michelle that I think I set the bar too high with Sam... because he is gorgeous (to all who see him) and he's sweet and sensitive... and wonderful. I am so in love with him still. It's so hard to keep it together. I have more scripts btw. I got them filled today. I have 300mg of ambien. I might use it... I still want to do die... especially right now... but if I take it all right now... Idk. They won't give it to me any more... I'd get to die though. I've had a lot to  drink...I want to see him though. I am gonna save as much of my ambien as possible. If having insomnia keeps the possibility of killing myself peacefully, I am going to keep it... Like I said... no matter what... suicide is always an option. I want fast food. I'm gonna  put on some pants and get  some. The meal me and Sam would always eat. I will fast tomorrow. I hate my life. I hate it so fucking much. Parents are asleep. I, gonna get some terrible food. I wish I could die right now. No thinspo tonight. I'm gonna be fat  instead. I hate myself. I hate this stupid fucking life. I am not good enough to log into my pro ana site. I'm sorry girls. I am going to fail you tonight.

 

the one where he has the apple... looks most like Sam

perfect mistakes

listening to Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Wow. A lot has happened. Well, not really maybe it feels like I just haven't written in awhile... my grandpa was taken into the hospital this past weekend and he had surgery today. We were at the hospital all day. Me and my family. Grandpa is okay. It was really scary thinking that these are going to be some of  the last times I have with him. I'm glad I got to be there. I'm glad I got to spend that kind of time with my parents and my family. I miss my family.

Last night, I went over to a co-workers house for a shindig and the cute guy who is leaving for the summer was there. I got wasted. And I stayed under 500 cals for the day so... I threw up. Big time. Real sexy, I know. On the bright-side, I text him now haha but I am so awkward that... yeah, nothing will ever happen. And I'm still way too in love with Sam to even really function around men. They're not him. They never will be. And right now... no one and nothing is good enough. So naturally, in my drunken and terrified state - there was one other female than me at this party... it was so stupid to be there. It's asking to get raped. Anyway, so I panicked and called my step-brother, David, I called Michelle. Michelle's boyfriend. David said he was sending help... but I called Sam anyway. I called him about four or five times to no avail. I texted him like crazy asking if he was dating that skank from work, only I used her name. I told him to ignore me. I told him I miss him. I love him. And then asked if he changed  his number and I was texting no one... I apologized and begged him to ignore me. I hate my life. My step-mom and dad ended up picking me up from the party. My step-mom drove my car home. I got sick when I got home again. My step-mom gave me plenty of water. I showered. And she made me food because she was reading how to prevent a hangover and something online (probably yahoo answers) said to eat fatty foods. Awesome. I was so drunk and dehydrated. I scarfed the sausage and mustard wrap she made me. And I kept it down. My embarrassment level is quite beyond mortified for that evening. I have never thrown up like that in front of people... well... not in front of the opposite gender anyway haha. None of them were in the slightest bit attractive, except for  whats-his-nuts and he was SO  not interested... which is fine. He did talk about his ex though... his 3 1/2 yr ex... he says he misses her all the time... everyday :( He broke up with her. He said she was an amazing person but... he felt pressured to marry her and he doesn't want that... and there were other things she wanted him to not do involving his career, which was irrational on her part... I would've never held Sam back. He might've been holding me back... but as long as I had his love... life was beautiful. Even if I lived an ordinary and painfully normal life, I would have had him and that would have been worth living for. I would have made a family with him and I would have had so much love and happiness... Now I have nothing. I have nothing but me and my relationship with God and the life He is carving out for me. Pulling me towards things I have always felt I was supposed to do... I might fail and make an ass of myself and put myself deep into debt... but I have to try. I'm a good actress, always have been... and I have to do this... it's almost like I'm supposed too.

 

Have you ever seen a man so dashing?

binge

I have had the strongest urges to binge. I feel hopeful but I still  feel the depression... the suicidal thoughts. Especially now. My calories were at around 500-600 for the day and I just ate a banana and sunchips so now it is closer to 700 for the day. I'm really pissed at myself. I didn't have enough control... I'm disgusting.
I finally got my car back... well that is, I got a new battery for my car so now it runs. I love that car... me and Sam made love in the back seat. It was the first time in a car for the both of us...It's weird to think that those are my memories... I feel like when I tried to kill myself that I did die. A part of me died forever... the part of me that he was in love with. The depression hurts right now. Caffeine kept me chipper today. I needed it. I only got four hours of sleep... maybe less. I didn't get to sleep around 6am ish. The insomnia is back. I had it really bad before Sam. I slept so good, when I got to thank God for giving me Sam... thank God for making him just for me... and for letting me feel that love. I think I will have another cigarette in my  room. I don't care that I shouldn't smoke in my room... I will find a way to make the smoke smell get out... I like smoking. It's the only way I  am aloud to kill myself and make sure I get it right... it just takes a long time... I  still want to go to L.A. I still want my new car. I still want to go alone. I still need to do that. I will be calling that stupid place that was supposed to refill my scripts... yeah... I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. A cute guy from  work is leaving for the summer and there is gonna be a get together at another co-worker's house. I hope I can make some sort of wonderful mistake. If only to distance myself from Sam. Those people usually have good stuff other than booze so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. Chris is gone for training. I want to binge so badly... I'm still hungry. I am such a fat sack of shit. I disgust myself. I will probably post later. Because I don't know if I will sleep tonight.

cigarettes

I just smoked a cigarette in my room. Not too bright. But I wanted one and felt a surge of immortality or something of the sort. I am circulating good smelling candles and oils and I stuffed a towel under my door before the act. I am 24 and should be able to kill myself with a cancer stick if I so please in my own room! However, I live with my parents. An insufferable circumstance which I am everyday in the process of fixing. I even have my window open. I NEVER  open the window... I kind of like it. I live on a corner  so I hear cars passing and crickets singing to each other. I just watched The Big Kahuna. Good movie. Sam loved it. He saw it right when he met me... if not just after we met. It has greatly influenced his life... but in a really good way. I think it is going to influence mine. Sam always said that if you're the same person leaving a relationship as you were going in, then it was a waste of time. I may smoke and drink still but I feel changed. My heart is broken in a very deep way that it has never been before but that is not the only change. I am different...He's different. My God did I help him grow. So ignorant. So intolerant. So right all the time. So ...  judgmental. He's not any more. He's very loving. Enormously kind. Giving. Sweet. He does his best to listen... And I hope every day that he will come back. That we will marry. But I know it won't happen. It just won't. My heart will always break when I think of him. Even if I am in California. My heart will  break, even in L.A. And I told him I wish him the best and he deserves a woman he loves... a love he won't question like he did mine... And I deeply hope that for him... I wish it could be me... but it just can't. And don't think I type this without crying... without pain... it's here. It's consuming... I miss him  and the depression will still eat away at me every day. But everyday I work to find a life of my own. I don't know if I will ever love again. I don't think I will. I don't want to. I don't think there is a man suited for me the way Sam was... And I'm okay with that. It's weird but I'd rather never love again than sell my love short. It was a deep all consuming love. And I think love is beautiful and I am happy for those who have it and I have a different kind of love with my family and it's beautiful too... I just don't want ... when you've had the man of your dreams and he isn't convinced that you're right together... you  gotta find a new dream. A dream all your own with no one else in it. A dream of yourself. For yourself. I wish I could leave tomorrow. God I wish I could. I am already thinking of the things I need to take with me... feeling let down that the Lakers are out of the playoffs... haha. The smells of coconut and the shoreline are filling my room, which is good because about twenty minutes ago it reeked of cigarette. I know who I want to be and I know God will keep  me true to the person He wants me to be... I do feel I need to leave. I don't want anything to hold me here any longer than I need to be...Nine months never seemed so long... I say nine because at the end of nine I will be done with my recovery church group. I will have enough money and I will be ready to start the new season of my life. I need a new job for the time being. My stupid job isn't cutting it and I know... I know I should have left a long time ago. I got lazy and comfortable. I'm loading a new movie  on netflix... and  I'm sending back The Big Kahuna before I have a chance to change my mind... I want to own it. I think I will buy it. I'm loading a film about the fashion industry and the affects it has had on what woman feel  pressured to be.... it's called America the Beautiful. Let you know how it turns out. Still haven't eaten anything. :)

I just reached 100 page views today. Thank you to everyone, anyone who reads this. I really appreciate it. I hope what I have to say brings you some sort of comfort or whatever emotion you may need. 

the hunger begins

So I have only consumed about 500 calories today so I'm pretty proud  of myself. I will be chugging water for the rest of the evening. I worked out with my sauna suit today and wow! There was so much sweat. Today has been good depression wise. Probably because I worked out. I have been getting increasingly into Matthew Gray Gubler. Saw two of his movies this past week. The Great Buck Howard (which he is in for  the last ten seconds haha) and How to Be a Serial Killer. Both were really good. The Great Buck Howard was amazing. Very inspiring. I need to get to L.A. but I  know I need a new car first. And a new job before that. *sigh* Everyone wants me to go back to school. I don't want to. There is no need. I just feel that it is pointless right now. I will try L.A. first and if that fails then I will attend  school. School is a fallback. I'm smart. I know I can do the whole school thing if I need to. School is easy. Life is more challening... I know if I lived in L.A. right now was waiting tables for a living and going on auditions every week, that I would be happy. That would make me happy. It truly would. I'd be acting. I'd be trying. I'd have my own life the way that I want it with no one to interfere. I love my family. I do. But I need to live for me. I  never have. Ever. And going to L.A. ... that's all me. Everyone tells me no. Everyone tells me it will be hard. Harder than anything I've ever done  before but I believe in myself and my talent. I just need to work hard and save money to get where I want to be. I also need to lose weight. I won't like the roles I would have to audition for... not at this weight. *sigh* I know it will take time. It will take time to get a new car too. And to save enough money. But I have to focus on the now. The day to day. The way to get to where I need to be. I will do this. I have to.

the original thinspiration

I have a new found respect for Britney Spears because I loved her as a kid and I have recently gone through a lot of the things she went through and it made me feel that I can relate to her... and yeah. I will be looking for some of her most thinspiring photos, because she has A LOT. But today I will be posting photos of her when she was with Justin...I post these because... well... they had a love and it's over and ... I've been wondering how that makes them feel now. I wish she hadn't cheated on them so  they could get back together... but I guess over the past ten years, they've both changed too much to ever be right together again. Life is stupid.

PS I'm having intense stomach pains right now and I have to go to a pizza party later. I'll just go fuck myself now.

disappointment x 2

Threw Up. Most of it came out on its own. Rest had to be purged. It hurt. I felt so sick. What a waste of money. I had a very sobering moment when I was brushing my teeth. My tongue was quivering. Twitching. It wouldn't stop. I had no control over it. I even put my hand on it to stop it from quivering but it just quivered under my hand. Like a little animal that had just been abused quivering in the corner. I felt so bad. I will never purge again. If I get sick and puke, then I get sick and puke but I will never do this to myself again. I felt so bad for my little quivering tongue. I did that. I made it tremble and shake with fear. Also, when I was rinsing, after brushing my teeth, there was blood. Did not expect that. I took some pepto to settle my stomach which still won't stop trembling. It was stupid to eat fast food. My first choice of fast food was closed and initially I took it as a sign to not eat anything but then my fatass remembered another fast food joint a bit closer to home. I knew better too. And I had the strength to say no. But I just wanted to make a bad decision. I don't know what's wrong with me. I do stupid things all the time that I so deeply regret. This was one of them. It's better to eat hardly anything and feel hungry than to eat like a pig and feel sick. All that purging made me sleepy.

disappointment

listening to Yeah, No... I know by Boys Night Out

I ate fast food. Haven't had it in months. Got more drunk. Wasn't even hungry. It was super greasy and disgusting and now  I feel so full but I'm scared to purge. My stomach hurts so bad. I deserve this. I will be working out so hard tomorrow. I wanna try for two hours. Day off. I hope I can stay home workout and nap all day. Hannah got more pills but I think Bekah told her not to give them to me. Just a feeling I have. I might have to purge. I feel like shit. Fast food = the goddamn devil (Sarah Marshall joke). Guh. I will N E V E R eat like this again. SO not worth it. My stomach is quivering. I haven't eaten shit in such a long time. My  body is going toxic on me. Also it's like 4:30am and I am wide awake. Not even drunk any more. Just shaky from the gross food. Ew. I had done not too terrible today too! I so fucking suck. Thank God this blog is anonymous so I can say how I really feel about all of this... I miss Sam more than I want to live. I will always have this blog. I will always have this blind honesty. It's like closing your eyes and not knowing if anyone is around and knowing that if anyone does listen to what you have to say that they won't hold it against you. They just listen. Just take it in and walk away. It's the fucking best. I'm doing a water fast tomorrow. No more drinking. I always eat when I drink and that shit needs to stop. And I curse way more. Ew. I need to stop smoking too. Super Ew. Water fast for the weekend. I hear you lose crazy weight doing that. Not real strength training just crazy cardio. I got my sauna suit so I am excites! I'm gonna sweat like crazy! Ugh. A wave of nausea followed by a deep yawn just hit me... ugh. I hope I don't purge... I won't make myself do it. That's how I feel. I won't FORCE it. But if my body can't handle what I did to it then I won't fight the purge. Ugh. I'm done.

friday night maybe

So I am D R U N K. The past few days it softly rained and then yesterday is rained really good. I loved it. I miss Sam. I thought about how we made love one time in my kitchen... We were so into it and then someone came home and we had to scurry off to my room. I love him. I hate this  life. I lost a pound this morning. I'm not gonna eat for the rest of the day so I can keep it off. I will probably drink later at a friend's party. I've been smoking lately, don't  know if I mentioned it. I smoked today. I hate smoking. It is a dreadful pain only endured because I deserve pain... I hate myself. A co-worker wouldn't shut up today about how shocked he was about Sam leaving me. Yeah, well I was pretty fucking shocked too so  shut the fuck up! :( That stupid Taylor Swift song came on today... one time around or before Christmas, me, Hannah, Sam and another girl from work  were at a diner and that song came on  and I said how  sad it was because ya know it's not a fairytale and you're not a princess... and then Sam said, "you're my princess" and then he kissed my cheek and neck and I never felt so happy... and now I am nothing. I am shit.  I am a single loser  who had to beg my friend to  have a party tonight just so I had something to do... I fucking suck. I really wanted Chris to be there... just maybe so I could have the chance of making some mistake but he has his military weekend so :( i hate my life i hate my life. I just started the song on my itunes. White Horse, by Taylor Swift. I wish I was strong... like some other girl who writes songs or gets her careers started because her love was destroyed. I wish I wish that I could be that girl... strong... happy... independent and driven... shit. I was... who am I now?

 

he was super in love with Alexandra Lawn from Ra Ra Riot... she's super thin

seen her in real life. thin as hell. beautiful.

proofs

The undeniable evidence that I am who I am will be in this entry... like I said... if anyone cares enough to read it... anyone that I know, I mean.
For Valentine's Sam bought me tickets to a show in Austin. A really amazing band that doesn't tour very often. We went to this bookstore in Austin before the show... no... it was the day after... before we left for home. Yeah. We went to this book store downtown called The Book People, which is a really badass place by the way, and if you're ever in Austin, please check it out. It had a bag check, which I'm not used to, but I still loved it. So we're on the second level of this bookstore and there are a lot of glass cases around the place holding cool collector's items, bookends, jewelry and all kinds of stuff. Sam sees these two little scarabs, which are ancient Egyptian beetles, carved of wood and painted a deep emerald green. He asks, as I leave the restroom, "Can you buy me one of those scarabs?" he points to the pair sitting close together at the bottom of this five foot glass case. I immediately say no and ask why and he looks let down. I feel awful because I was being a mean bitch for no reason and I can't stop thinking about the little  bugs and then I ask him Why again. Because they look badass he says and I want them, he modified. I tell him that I can't separate the little pair and Sam smiles that gorgeous happy smile he gets...I find a book seller and ask him to  hold the little bugs for me. He says they're cool little guys and puts them on hold downstairs behind the cashwrap. As we leave  I jokingly say something about the beetles being our babies and it freaks Sam out. That should've been the biggest first sign. He names the beetles Maximilian and Cornelius.
The night he broke up with me, which wasn't even a month later, he walks me out to my car. I sit in the driver's seat, tears filling my eyes and he is looking at me and he looks so full of hope... he looks so sure that he won't be breaking my heart in the end... and he is twirling something in his hands as he is leaning over the open car door. It's one of our scarabs.
A week or  so later, when I was getting some of my stuff form his house, he offered to let me have both of them... and I said no. They can't be together any more because we're not together... 
For some sadistic reason, beyond me and my understanding, I remembered my scarab. He sits next to my keyboard which is on a coffee table next to the foot of my bed... the scarab has been hiding for a few weeks I guess.. and I remembered him... and I picked him up.
Is it really May already? Has Sam been out of love with me  for a month at least...
I hate my life a little more each day.
And this pain only gets worse the more people tell me it gets easier...I can't wait to die.

rain

I have nothing to say. The thoughts are here. The pain is here x a thousand. Studio 60 is keeping my heart from falling out and White Oleander will get me to sleep... and all I want is rain. Rain to pour. Rain to pour pour pour. Sam loved the rain. Overcast days with a sharp cool breeze were his favorite. I love them  now too. Not because he did but because they  accurately reflect the poison within...I love an overcast day and with all that is in me to want something other than  Sam... I want the rain. The rain with the soft rolling thunder... because the raucous thunderclaps proceeded by migraine-inducing lightening is not the storm I wish for. No. Just the downpour. Just the rain. Just the water. Just for one day can the earth do the crying... and can that day be tomorrow. I hate this life... and in these moment before sleep I want nothing of it.

fattitude

So I ate like a fucking cow today. My day got off to an awful start and I'm only okay right now because for the past five or so hours I have been taking in the show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It's amazing. It's flawless. It only ran for one season? Sometimes America is stupid and that saddens me. Missing the mark with Studio 60 only running one season is just as sad as Freaks and Geeks running only one season... and if you don't know what that means... for the love of God open up Wikipedia and learn yo'self foo! Anyway... that's a little of the non-depressed me coming out... she's delightful and Sam begged her to be a stand-up comedian and the only reason I consider that is because I'm a writer, I'm moderately funny when I tell jokes and not ask for the laugh (thank you Studio 60 for making the clarification because I'm pretty sure it might make me a better writer/comedian/actress), and it's the easiest (and it's not easy at all) way to break into "show business." On that note... let's take it back  down to the notch this blog is amped on... depression. My car wouldn't start last night when I went out with Chris Michelle and Justin. Yes I know I'm not using commas, but at this point they are just slowing me down. So! I took my mom's car instead, pathetic that I'm 24 and live with my parents, I know it, stop thinking it. She happens to conveniently be out of work so I can borrow her car tomorrow and although I only have 10$ to my name and I DESPERATELY need to close lunch tomorrow morning I can't because my nephew is turning six years old tomorrow and my mom agreed to spend the day with him which would be sweet if I didn't have to run the errands that will enable me to one day be an actress. What the hell could that be, you're asking! Well, that would be running to a FedEx and printing an application and filling it out so that I can get a hourly waged job at around 10.50+ an hr as full time with benefits at a smoothie place so that I can save enough money to pay off my medical  bills which are currently at >$2,500 and counting, save enough money for at least a $5,000 down payment for a new Nissan Juke AWD red with the SL package so that I can have a safe, reliable car to take me to California where a friend lives and I can crash on his couch. Which I haven't asked him about yet because I deleted my Facebook account because of the yeah... I want this done by November. Well, I want it done by tomorrow but I'm not rich, my credit is ass, and my parents have shit credit too. So yeah... super fuck. Also... the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with left me. Did I mention that? Because that's why this whole blog started in the first place. He told me he wasn't in love with me any more and I couldn't live with that and I  mean REALLY couldn't live with it so the whole suicide thing happened. Fuck, I couldn't even get that right. I know, the joke has been done but c'mon. When you're suicidal... and you try and fail... the handful of artists who attempt, we have to scoff at ourselves, just a little. And with that I said, with a full and hurting and disgusting stomach... I started my 3 day fast because while I am saving money for LA I need to get the rest of me ready for a city full of rejection spray on tans and fake tits... I need to lose like 90 lbs if I want to even be considered for any part... in anything. So I'm fasting tomorrow till Friday morning. And I'm logging in a minimum of an hour of workout time. Here's the daily skinny, and expect a post later, after the sleeping pills have been ingested and the suicidal thoughts come back with vengeance.

hitting every branch on the way down

I hung out with Chris again tonight. Michelle and Justin were there. Eh. Justin was less creepy. ... hope he's getting the hint. I'm watching Criminal Minds... kinda. I've seen nearly every single episode...so really I'm not watching it. Just an excuse to see the Gube... who looks exactly like Sam. I cried at the bar tonight. In public.  I also sang... Chris goes to karaoke bars all the time... he finally found his voice. ha. I always told him he could sing. He can. Pretty good. Sam could sing too. I ate so much today it's gross. I had two scoops of vanilla ice cream, which is about 200 cals. And half a slice of cake. Then for dinner I had roasted chicken, roasted veggies and sun chips. F A T. Yeah super pissed at myself. Work tomorrow. Should be easy to fast. Watermelon only twice a day. Half a smoothie. Approximately 250 cals all day. I'm excited. Cycle is almost over so I can workout again and I can weight myself on Tuesday morning. I says Tues so I can have a two powerful workouts under my belt before I weigh-in again. I think I'm falling for Chris again. I hope not. I don't think so. I'm still too in love with Sam. I've been watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip... been making me feel okay with life. Making me feel I NEED to leave to L.A. I gotta get that Juke first... awesome eco friendly and super cute car. I miss Sam.  I love him so much. I hate my life. Suicide is still an option. It's more an option when I'm alone. I can't wait to die... I can't wait to leave. I hate this life.  I hate this world. I don't belong here. I love you Sam. Please  come back to me...

she's so perfect and tiny...

and the thoughts they come like rain

And here they are. Just as I am trying to find a peace and fall to sleep. I remembered. I remembered what he told me my first day in the hospital... the last  time that I spoke to him. He said, I'm not your best friend. I'm just your first  boyfriend. Fuck that ripped my heart  out. So many times when Michelle was busy being a bitch to me and Sam would stand up  for me and he would tell me to stand up for myself and I was so  afraid to be mean to her because I was so afraid to lose the only friend I have... and he said how he'd always be there for me... I was crying... telling him I was worried because I'm taking a big risk  by not being her friend... that he would be all I have left and I was scared... and it was that night that I wrote her a letter telling what shit friend she had been  and how selfish... it was that night I stood up for myself and crutched heavily on Sam... and he was there to support me and he was... he became my world. He became my best friend. He became my world... God I want him back. I hope this bendryl kicks in soon. I'm watching White Oleander again. Just something to fall asleep too. Every time a thought like that comes into my head... I want to die. I'd rather die than live in a world where I am that forgettable... where I am so easily dismissed and so easily unloved and cast away... how could he do this to me? How could he fall out of love with me? What did I do that was so wrong? Why couldn't he love me any more? What is so wrong with me...? I don't understand...there was nothing I could do to make him keep loving me...I failed at love. I failed. I miss him so much. I don't want  to live like this... today has been very bad... I've been alone all day. Chris called. Only to ask about Michelle. I said welcome to being her real friend -  she won't respond to txts or answer phone calls. I also told him Sam wasn't her biggest fan. That probably wasn't smart. How can Sam care about me so much and not be in love with me any more? I don't understand... how can he just let me go... I don't want this world... I don't belong here.

i want you to notice

Listening to Creep by Radiohead. Waiting for netflix to load Shutter Island. Have to see family tomorrow. Might have to purge tomorrow. I'm prolly gonna purge tomorrow and buy the ONE coconut water to replenish my electrolytes that I will lose from purging... I caved and ate. I'm such a worthless sack of shit. I'm so fucking fat. I had half of a chicken bouillon cube and loaded it with peppers  parsley and cayenne. Hopefully I can digest those ten cals quickly. I also ate a small bite size hershey special dark chocolate bar. Fat fat fat. The girl on the ana website I visit who was my most inspiring had to get rid of her page because a friend found her on it ... that's why I won't use a real photo or a real name. She was 5'2 just like me and she got down to like 97lbs - she looked amazing. I'd have to lose 100lbs or  so to be that small. I hate myself. I'm still hungry so that's a good thing. *sigh* gonna watch this movie now. can't wait till my cycle is over  so I can starting running and sweating really good again. Maybe I will lose enough weight to skip my cycle completely next month. That'd be great... of course...i don't really want to be alive next month... that's all for now.

I just remembered something he told me after we broke up... he told me I should watch Eat Pray Love or something. What an ass-hole thing so say. I hope when I kill myself that my death is something  he is guilt-ed with for the rest of his life... no I don't. I just want the pain to end. I think it's more pathetic to "get better" because it means you were never truly hurt to begin with. It means you and all your emotions are stupid and that you're completely full of shit. How can  someone move on from someone they truly and deeply loved? You don't move on. It's not possible and if you think that you can move on... you were never in love to begin with. I can sleep soon. I watched White Oleander today. I ate three crackers and four pieces  of watermelon. I'm fat as hell though. I'm still worthless and ugly. I got a netflix account today. I like to zone out and ignore the world. I think I've left my room maybe six or seven times all day. Weekends are the worst.
"It has been said 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, is never gone." Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
My annoying loud ass family is here. Drinking and playing poker. I hate this shit. Now I'm SERIOUSLY trapped in my room. Time to netflix it.

ready

I am so ready to die. I had strange dreams about flying over the beach front... of  trying to fall  from the sky but I couldn't. Of a place that was a hotel in Vegas but it was really gross and abandoned. A world beyond this one... a fallout world. A wasteland and only a few of us remained... I was lucky enough to have my family. To know a few people. I didn't have Sam. In my dream he was distant life.  And in my dreams  I had a deep sadness for my loss of him... And I had a dream where I was with him... I just can't remember it. I slept too much. I wanted to sleep all  day. I hate being alive. I hate that all I have of Sam are memories and dreams.. I can't believe he has been reduced to a fantasy. And the daily tears pour out. I can't believe that he'll never come up  from behind me when I'm cooking him dinner, and sweep the my hair from my neck and kiss me gently on the nape of my neck... I don't want to live in a world where he does that to someone else... I don't want this life... I can't wait to end it. I'm afraid... of when I see him  at work he might get scared and call security or something... I'm scared that it won't go the way I want like last time... but I don't want this life. I hope they prescribe me zanex for my anxiety. Or anything really. Anything other than benadryl... because that's what they were giving me in the hospital. It didn't really work. I can't just be happy that I had a great love and move on in my life... I don't want that. I don't want a life without him in it. I don't want it. It's like I can't breathe when I think of  that. I can't breathe and my chest gets tight. I don't want to be like Michelle or Hannah or Bekah and have four or five different boyfriends... I don't want that.  I never wanted that. I just wanted one. I never settled, granted everyone always leaves me... but I'm glad they did because I  got Sam... and he was everything I've ever wanted... everything I ever wanted and was convinced didn't exist... and then he shows up and he makes my world right. And I ruined it. I ruined it. I ruined my happiness. I hate myself. Fuck! I wish I had those pills. I could end it today. At least my mum can have one more Mother's day with me. I need to write a very detailed letter telling her that this isn't her fault. She is going to blame herself. You know what I think is stupid? Those crisis hotlines... I just thought about it yesterday but why do they have those? If someone, like me, really wants to end their life N O T H I N G some volunteer says on a suicide hotline it going to change my mind. What ass-hole calls those hotlines anyway? People who want attention that's what. Crazies. At least I'm hungry. That's something. My fat sister-in-law asked me what I was doing to lose weight because she noticed I have. And I said, not eating. Haha. I said, well I don't eat that much and when I do it's fruit or veggies and I only drink water. She must've thought what I said was craziness. I guess she thought I had some get slim quick trick. Haha yeah her name is ana. I haven't cried this hard since before I went to the hospital. I haven't felt this sad since before I went to the hospital. I would say that it's scary because I feel like I should think that but the truth is... I don't care. I truly don't. I want to die and it's my choice and no one can stop me as long as I look and act normal and that is what I plan to do for as long as I need too... no one is at my house right now which is why I could just cry. I only need  to be awake for like six or  seven more hours and then I can go back to sleep without rousing suspicions about my mental health. I want to tan outside so my body can look better (a tan makes everyone look better) but I can't listen to the music we used to listen  to. Especially, my favorite summer time band - Minus the Bear. I got him into that band... They are coming here in June and he bought us tickets. He will probably be taking that stupid girl I know he hangs out with all the time. He will go and pick her up. He will mapquest where the place is so that he looks like he knows where he is going. He will go with her and have a great time. And he will not miss me. And he will  wish he had left me a long time ago so that he could already be closer with his new girl... I hate my life. I want him back. Why does everyone think I am so strong? I hate hearing it, You're such a strong girl, Emma. Fuck even Sam told me that when I called him when I was in the hospital. They don't know me if they think that. I miss him so much. I hate this life this pain this crushing crushing pain that I feel with my wet eyes and my absent heart and my breath gets shorter ...and I can't hold my breath long enough to stop the tears...

If I had the scripts... I wouldn't be here any more. I've been in a wretched mood all  day. A deep seeping melancholy that cannot fade... all day I have had to deal with "How are you?" "Are you okay?" All I've wanted all day is to die... and I can't get that yet. I also ate today. What a loser. And it wasn't even at work. I ate at home. I'm usually so strong when I'm home. I've cried all day. This morning when I woke up. When I drove to work. When I got to work. During work. After work. When I got home. In the shower. Just now... I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe he  left me. I never thought it would happen. Michelle bailed on Chris's birthday... what a jackass. She spread herself too thin mainly because she wants to be around her new niece. I don't get it. I wanted kids, but they would have been my own... that idea feels different ... The pain is deep today. I wonder if it is because my cycle just started and my hormones are out of balance... I don't know but it feels like my medication doesn't work now. I've felt really sad since I missed a dose on Wednesday... I just want to die... I fantasize about the best way to do it. Or where to go... Do I see Sam for the last time...? Do I risk it? I tried  killing myself again last night.  I slashed up my wrists pretty good and I  had the blade to my throat...I would have been dead so fast. My nephew spent the night though. I didn't want to  ruin his life by him finding me just having ended mine. That girl, Minerva, from last night told me that when you go through that stuff ... break-up stuff, you realize how  many other people have gone through it and how many people have been there... and that's not comforting.Why does she [and everyone else] think it is comforting to say that? I have to wear long sleeves for a week or two when I'm at the house. No one will notice at work - or they won't ask. Justin is back to his pathetic puppy self who tries to get me to be his friend... I don't like it. It feels horrible... just like my life before Sam...only my life is worse now  because I know  what life is like with Sam...God if I could take one thing, just one thing back in life, I would not have seen Jake that night... I would've went to see Terry because she needed  me and I abandoned her. I made the wrong choice. I chose to see a guy I used to have feelings for... I made the biggest mistake of my life that night. The night I kissed Jake is the night I signed an eventual death certificate for me and Sam's budding romance.  As our love grew,  and he forgave me for the indiscretion, however I will never forget when I brought tears to his eyes when he thought about how that night so tainted  our love ...I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. I can't. Because who I was... who I am deep down... is a woman Sam would spend the rest  of his life with...I've been clouded and dirtied by this world and made disgusting by my  stupid decisions that ended me and the man of my dreams... God I miss him. I think I  will see him  before I kill myself. Yes. I will go to his work, smelling of his favorite fragrance, on a day I know he is working... I will go see him. Make eye contact... and smile. And then leave. He will be confused. He might even be scared. But I will get to see his sweet face one more time. I might even take the pills in the car outside his work... I hear they are fast acting. I can't wait to die. I hope I can be  thin enough by the time I get my scripts. 

My computer is running to slow to post pictures. I will post thinspo later tonight.

hate

i hate myself. i am really really drunk. i hate that i am typing this. i tried killing myself again.couldn't cut deep enough. i couldn't...the pain feels good  because i deserve it... it's so weird to form coherent thoughts...i miss him. God I miss him.  I almost drove  by his house tonight... I have soooooooooooooooooo much alcohol in my system and I took three bendryl again. Not trying to die, trying to sleep...but how when all I think is of him... all the times we made love... I  met a greek goddess tonight... not gonna say her name...just that shes the god of war. Gonna  call her Minerva... she feels my pain. Shes the person I wanna be. Sorry about all the typos. I hate the state farm guy... yeah my tv is on... hate that guy. my feet keep wiggling. omfg. a commercial for the social network is on...that was SO our movie... we felt it in a way that so many people  didn't get... how am igonnalive  without him... i wish i knew how to cut deep enough.....i dont want to live. i dont  want to go to work  tomorrow or see anyone... guh Chris was with this girl tonight... stupid blonde... she was his dd.... i offered to be his dd... guess im too fat to be a dd...i totally ignored ana tonight...good thing pathetic justin was there to pick up the tab. lose.r i hate myself.
i hate this life.
i hate this life.
i hate this life.
i hope hannah gives me her scripts. i will  pay her. i need to die. vodka +  scripts = death=happy

come back to me my love

come back to me...


i can't live without you

i am drunk enough to post a picture of  us (highyl distorted) on new years...our new year's kiss and ...his favorite celebrity... he loved her... i think its for her tiny body... i want him back GOD give him back PLEASE??? I am nothing...goodnight... i might delete this post.....

listening to Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith

I cried today at work for nearly a solid ten minutes. I just thought about how he told me that he didn't love me any more... I want to cry just thinking it now... I miss him so much. It hurts so much... my chest tightens and my legs quiver underneath me. My breath gets jagged and the blood bursts just barely inside my skin making my body go all hot... then the pain in my heart comes... that dreadful and debilitating pain that crushes my whole heart... the one that is worst than anything in the world... the one that I am convinced feels like a dagger being pierced right through my chest...I have that right now. And he's fine. He's doing just fine at work flirting and chatting away and not caring for a second that he broke my heart and not missing me at all. Not loving me any more... I'm just another ex-girlfriend on his list...just another girl to tell stories about how annoying I was and how glad he is to not be with me any more... I miss him. God I'd do anything to get him back in my life... perhaps God will show me mercy soon... because every minute of this is complete agony and the only thing that makes sense is to end it all...

It's Chris's birthday tonight. I'm gonna finish smoking the cigarettes that I have and then I am done... I'm  not going to do it any more unless ana needs me too. And I think I'm better than that. I did eat like a fucking cow today though. I had a salad at work  and a chalupa after work. And a pina colada. Guh. I'm so gross. I'm prolly gonna have a drink at Chris's thing tonight. I'm prolly gonna  purge it though. I worked out for an hour again today. I hate that I ate though. I'd be thinner if I didn't eat. I'm gonna fast tomorrow. Me and my ana buddy. Thank God for her, truly. She keeps me motivated.

The sadness is  getting to me and I have to get ready for Chris's thing...

Army Corps of Architects

listening to Army Corp of Architects by Death Cab for Cutie

I forgot to take my anti-depressant today. My insides are full  of hurt. Not from  hunger. God I wish I was hungry. Being hungry feels  good. I have to remember that tomorrow. No. I'm feeling the hurt of being without Sam deeply right now.  I think I have my family convinced that I will be okay. I still cry every day though. Every time I hear a car door close outside, proceeded by a honk of an alarm set... I hope. Hope and pray that it is him. That he has come back. I think I want to change his ringtone back to what it was when he was mine... just in case he calls...it was such a cute song... "Trouble" by NeverSayNever... silly, I know but a little emo girl who was a part of my book club LOVED him and I happen to hear that song and though it was adorable... I've taken  three benadryl to fall asleep. Didn't work last night. Hope it works tonight. I have work tomorrow. I feel like I am waiting for him to come over... I  feel like that every day. That I  am waiting for him to come over and make my world right again... to cook  him dinner, to kiss his lips, to feel his embrace and to smell his intoxicating and completely unique scent that somehow I can't really remember...to  hear his laugh...to see his smile... to make love to him... to hold his hand during a movie... to have him call  me beautiful and to think I'm  something worth having... the last two years of my life were  so much bliss... my life is poison now... no one wants to be around me because I'm too sad to be around... no one invites me out.  No one wants to be with sad sack me... God I want ana to be enough... and it  is when I am strong enough... I ate a  pickle today and a few bites of dinner. I felt like such a failure. I hate this life. I miss my Sam so  much... I miss that he was my best friend who I could tell anything and everything too... I miss him all day every day and I can't believe it's over because I never thought it would end... and now I'm just like everyone else... alone. single. miserable. I need to get the money for those scripts next week. I don't want this life without him. Nothing makes this life worth it for me... nothing...God will forgive me for what I must do...

Give him back, God...

please...

please give him back to me...

I promise to love myself. I  promise to be good to myself...

please give him back to me...  I can't live like this...  show me mercy