back on motherfucking track

10 more Reasons Why:

1.We can buy really small size tops and they will gracefully hang off us and we will look amazing and like models.
2.We will have more money than all our friends cause when we go out we don't buy food.
3.Boys will pick us up and we will weigh nothing and they will go 'wow your so light, i could carry you for ages'.
4. Fat girls will be jealous and thin girls will be jealous, cause no one will be as thin as us.
5.When people stay round our houses we can walk around in our underwear and they will hide in big clothes cause we embarrass them.
6.On holiday we can strut around the pool in our Bikinis and all heads will turn and all eyes will follow us, because we are beautiful.
7.When people see us eating they won't think 'FAT COW'.
8.Everyone will go "(your name) looks amazing today" "Who's she?" "The really thin one".
9.Everyone will talk about how thin you are.
10.Everything will be perfect.

I start my ABC Juice fast tomorrow. Amped as fuck.

juice fast

Tomorrow I am getting an early start and going to purchase some 100% juice. I will be on a fast for four days. I am very excited!! I haven't had a proper fast in months, and my jeans are starting to show it.
Hannah got arrested for stealing and I had to bail her out of jail. It was a close call. I almost got caught. I got out faster than she did though, good thing too. Going to jail is the last goddamed thing that I need. I am done stealing. Not worth it.
I'm still sleeping with Jake.
I hope to lose 10 lbs by the end of this week. Losing 20 by Halloween would be superb, but I know it would be quite difficult. I have so many jeans that are too small for my fat gut lard disgusting ass. I cringe when I look in the mirror. A proper fast is just the thing I need!
One of the people from group gave me a book about eating disorders. It triggered me. I binged. I cried. I almost cut again but my old cuts haven't healed and I was afraid. My last ones were bad. Deep. Purple and puffy. I punched them so hard. I need to renew my scripts and see a doctor to get more. I am afraid what will happen if I go off completely.
I'm so fucked up.

Tomorrow is a new day! A day of fasting! I'm excited!!

proud i can ever be of what i hate

I eat when I'm  alone. When I'm lonely. I hate my body. Dimples and fat. How can women be proud to be fat? Don't they know it's disgusting? Unsightly. Unhealthy. I am one of those fat people you hope to never be. Beauty is so much more than being thin, I hear. Not to me. Not ever.  As long as my stomach bulges and my legs touch I will always be a little bit ugly. I will never be truly beautiful. I hate eating. Coffee. Salad. Tea. No sugar. No milk. No cheese. Running. I need to rid myself of disgusting habits. I hate being ugly and alone.

fuck

poor girl
working the drive thru tonight
you work hard
maybe have some kids
im about to puke
up everything you sold me
all ten dollars worth
gonna cut my skin up
for being so weak
punch it till i bruise
i am fucking sack of shit
bleed baby bleedy
you ugly piece of filth
bleed till it hurts
punch the cut till it bleeds
blood on my knucles
blood splatter on my sheet
time to eat
time to purge
fuck my life
you jennifer
you love
you hewitt
you look just like her
of course he picked his wife over me
fuck me solid
fuck me proper
fuck me always
i am shit

no intent or motive

sensible heart - city and colour

fuck fuck my life
fat as fuck
drinking + vico
wish i had some snow HATE
i hate me
more than anyone ever could

HATE
hate
me
he doesnt even want to fuck me any more
piece of shit
fat ugly piece of shit
no one wants me

sam left 
jake would rather hate himself than fuck me
we hooked up last week again

all the drugs in the  world wouldnt
kill this
pain
this hate
i have forme
time for a ciggo

i hate me

i hate this

i hate life

kill me now kill  me now kill me now kill me... now