the gun is cocked

After my entry the other night my best called. Sam has a new girlfriend. It is the skinny bitch I feared. And I am going to kill myself. It's only a matter of time. I got prescribed zoloft and xanax. My case  worker was worried about me so I had to go on suicide observation for 23 hours. I am going to end my life. I just need to collect a few more pills. I'm not excited. I'm nothing. I've cried so hard these past 24 hours. I want  to die. And I will.

within seconds

of me publishing the most recemt emtui i get a call from my brofor life///o make her tp the point.... shed rather have bad news come from her than anyine else... Sam has a fuckig girlfriend.

so in case my last article was in anyway unclear...  this next part wont be. plan good to go full steam a head. death as soon as i can swing it.. maybe tomorrow.. i still have wiggled out the fine tunings. the  ambien is  making me make little bit wee-yord.

the self loathing and desire tzo matter in  hislife is driving me mad. Crazy mad. I  hope step-mom gets those frequent flier miles with here newkob. she can send me awsy..toomuch amvien.. needsleep,

i wish i didnt have to wake up. i hate life so much passion and i  fail to accurately describe the torment

its happenig soon. this week. very soon.

letter

Hannah is GIVING me twenty pills. I wrote my suicide letters. Cried. A lot. It's gonna happen. I just need to find some stationary to write the letters on. Plan out my last day and metaphorically pull the trigger. I think I might try to get some more pills. I want to make sure it works. I'm doing this by the end of the month. Time to go into starvation mode.

no...but my ears are like

no... but my ears are like, REALLY burning.Concerned friends turn to check on me in the backseat. lol wtf did they really think fire had spontaneously spawned from my ears? haha, jackasses. I crack myself up. Super high right now. Every minute that goes by feels like twenty, so I giggle whenever I check the clock. Like I tricked the world or something. So! I hallucinated from weed for the first time tonight! First, the beat of the song (Metric is an AWESOME band when you're high btw) was strobing in my brain. Then I thought about how I can feel the song in my bones. And then my mind put an image to the thought, and apparently Microsoft Word has brain-washed my brain to use clip-art as my instan-image for my brain. So I these pop art looking femur bones are flashing in quad-screen, purple, yellow, and hot pink, and they start strobing in my head. If you're ever seen clip-art, you know how bad it is. It's basically just charcoal outlines, and whatever now-rich-jackass though of that, I truly envy. Anyway, so clip-art is awful,  so the ends of the bones start to look like  little mushrooms. And I really hope people get the reference of this next part because it truly makes it. So my brain starts zooming in on the mushrooms and then skews them into little shapes of hundreds scrolling horizontally on the screen, a la Beauty and the Beast, "Be Our Guest" song. For real. That was  my hallucination. For whatever reason, I found this hilarious, and couldn't stop giggling as I drove. Which helped with my crazy day-mouth. And now here I am... high as a kite, loading Buffy on netflix, and hating my life so much my insides die a little more, each day. I miss Sam so much. I cry where ever I am. Even at the restaurant Chris works at on the side. I went to visit him today. He said he likes when friend's surprise him at work. My Chris-crush from tortuous days of old, is not back, so no one panic! My head is doing that pounding thing. I wanna watch Buffy. Hey! Xander is totally hot! I don't know why he didn't get more play. Seth Green is way hotter though. Well... idk Nicholas Brendon has also been hot... but Seth Green is sexy AND super creative... Ugh! I am not debating over the hotness or dudes who are probably in their forties by now! Holy shit. My chest burns. Like a super stingy feeling. Ouch-ees. Maybe my stupid Chris-crush is back! :( Shit. *whines*  It's like some  stupid part of my heart refused to let go of  him. Ouch, the starbursts and twisslers are burning in my throat. Guh. I hate that my Chris thing never goes away. Not even when I was with Sam. FML.I loved Sam100%. More than anyone and I wanted nothing more than anything to be his wife... I never wanted to be wasted, stoned, or anything for that matter, other than his wife and mother to his children. He was all I needed to be happy. I want to buy a gun. Make it quick. No time to second guess. I hate myself. My only goal was to keep Sam with me! And I failed. I fucking failed so bad. I was everything. EVERYTHING he could  ever want or need... and still. I wasn't enough. I fell short. I'm still too fucking fat and he was disgusted with having ever slept with me! How can you just stop loving someone like  that! Why did he hurt me! What "test" of his did I fail? I would have done ANYTHING  for him. I hate myself for losing him. I'm starting to cry because I am remembering  something I repressed. When I was asking him if I had done this or that differently, would he have stayed or if this or that was the nail in the coffin... and he said "None of that would've mattered...cause from the beginning...." and now my un-sober mind untangles things and sees how he could've meant it differently than the horrible way my sadist mind interpretes things. My high mind unravels things and sees them, probably how Sam would've seen them. In the way he meant it to be rather than the way my sad past makes my mind think it to be.  I need to write that I think the  original intention of that is said in a more  sweet and gentle, descending type of way... rather than the bitter, angry, regretful type of way. Otherwise I will forget the Sam way. He was never as mean as my  stupid bitch mind made him out to be. This is a long rambly-stoned-person's type of blog. Okay. Bye now.

It took me 45+ minutes to write and proof read this entry. teehee.

death is crying

Death is crying loud enough for anyone to hear but no one is around. I've had two glasses of White Merlot and an Ambien. I'm gonna try again soon. I am going to do it soon. I will go to him and try to kiss him and he will deny me and I wish I had a gun so I could do it fast. But I know he will deny my affection so I will take the pills first. I will have my last meal early in the day. Then I will spend the  day making myself pretty - tanning, pedicure, get my hair done, and find my best outfit. Then at night I will drive to  his place. I will beckon him outside and look into his perfect brown eyes and take in for as long as I'm allowed, all of his beauty. Then  I will go for the kiss. The love-making proposition. And when he denies me, which he will, it won't matter because I will be so full of pills death will already be upon me. I'm anxious to die and get  rid of  this  life. I loathe it. I  love my room but hate my reflection in the mirror. Love my family, but have the love or no other. All my friends are too busy for me. Well, now they can live burden free  lives. Time to finish Buffy. I will write every day until I can no longer write...

only have eyes

listening to I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos

It's been a rough couple of days that I have been delaying the ordeal or rehashing. Stupid Hannah was talking to Sam over facebook and he might be drinking now. I started crying so hard when she told me, I nearly collapsed. I can't remember when I cried that hard. Well, WELL before my hospital stay. The episode of Buffy featuring this song, is loading. I've always been in love with this song though. This version in particular. I spent the first half of this day in an ambien daze. I accidently took my double dose of my anti-depressant too close together, plus I was "hung over" from the ambien and I felt stupid stoned today. And depressed. I couldn't stop crying. Last night was bad too right before I went out with Michelle. We hung out at Dave & Busters for her friend's birthday. A guy I used to date, a model-gorgeous guy, was supposed to be there. No luck. Sam is WAY hotter than him though. Sam is so beautiful. Michelle hesistated when I asked her if I set the bar too high with Sam. I did. He's so beautiful. Fuck. My life still sucks. I'm almost out of Ambien. I've been binging A LOT. Twice without purging. Good thing my mom is guilting me about buying healthy food and me not eating it. I am going to do the cardiac diet starting tomorrow. It's easier on weekends sometimes. *sigh* I hate being fat. Most of all I hate being me. Hannah bought me dinner tonight. It was nice. Then I went to her house and smoked two bowls of hookah. I love that spacey feeling I get. Alright. It's Buffy time. I might post later.

brand new

listening to After All that it's Come to This by Amos the Transparent

I purged. Everything. From the healthy chicken and carrots (how British of me) from around 6pm, to the chips and salsa and jalapenos (probably a good thing), to whatever was left of margaritas in my system, to the breakfast Jack from Jack in the Box (Sam always got those, with strawberry and grape jelly), to the two jr. bacon cheeseburgers with Frank's Red Hot sauce... I'd say I got 90% of it purged. Oh! I forgot to mention the empanada, which was gross, I only like pumpkin and I ate pineapple one  during my first feast along with a quesadilla. So all in all, I am pretty disgusting. My throat burns from ripping all the spices back out of it. I took another Ambien, because I assume I barfed up the other one. I am so tired. I was sweating and dazing during the purge. My back started to hurt, I  purge standing up. My step-mom caught me on my way out to get the food. She also waited up  for me... so... I REALLY hope she didn't catch me purge. I really want to die. I fucking hate life. Purging is my best friend in that sense. Purging is my only fucking friend. I wish I was brave enough to slash my writs... I think about it every single day. How I want to take a knife and do  what Sam did... just slam it down on my wrist... Alright. I am going to sleep now. Empty.

crying in public

listening to Sensible Heart by City and Colour

I've been drinking. Took my ambien. I know I am over doing it with this song. My case worker saw me today. I will apologize now, for the typos I miss. She has been like blah blah you'll find someone better. Whatever, beesh. You've never met .... holy shit I started typing his real  name. Thnk God I caught it. Ive said his  name so many times it rolls off the tongue  so well. I went out with Bekah tonight and cried over margarita number two. I want to binge so bad.  But if I take a car anywhere I will end up with a smoking engine, a court date and a suckfest. Hannah is pissed at me and Bekah. *shrug* Bekah feels the way I do about her now - human poison. I started talking to Chris's sister. Maybe she will invite me over to smoke out. I'm so there. I've had a chance to smoke weed at a shindig this past weeekend and it was goooooood shit but I didn't feel comfortable in front of Bekah and Hannah. They'd be like *shrug* it's your choice but deep down I'd feel like I let them down. I talked to Chris. Made him feel bad for not texting me. Still no word from Michelle. Bitch. I miss Sam so much... fuck talking about him today was murder. I had the chest contractions, wishing I would die while I surpressed the urge to cry. Like I said some month or so ago, suicide is ALWAYS on the table. I could put a bag over my head and call it a life tonight. God he was good to me. I miss his scent the most. I hope he feels it tonight. The deep pain. I hope he misses me to the point of tears.  I can't live without him and I fucking refuse to.

Sweet my mom just got home. I gonna binge. Even if I take my car that has a donut on it. I don't care about jail right now. All I care about  it a jr bacon cheeseburger and whatever I can afford from Jack in the Snack. Yes. I know what I said. Yes, I know I have a problem.



*I know I haven't posted thinspo. I haven't felt worthy. I've gained 5lbs. I will soon. The desire to be thin will be back. It's still here. I just feel too worthless for Ana.