i turn the page

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I turn the page
of this season
of my life
only to end up somewhere
I thought long passed
enduring the same mistakes
Grasping at the same fate
still so painfully and completely ...
how have I grown into
only more of the same;
same wrong path
how do I do this
so well?
it seems my only skill
is that of personal upheaval
and undoing
misguided attempts at reformation
disillusioned aspirations exciting a future that simply
will not come to pass
no recourse of ideation
but one...
its cool to the touch
introspection of such delivers
anxiety on my skin
unblunted edges drag across the soft surface
so easily blemished
so quickly
and lasting for the rest of my eternity
it's so easy
so finite
so damning
yet it is the only release I can find

relapse relax relapse relax again

I am so close to a relapse right now... I want to cut so badly. I hate myself so deeply right now. There is no one to talk to. There is no one who cares no one who would notice because the only person who disgraced with the dignity of seeing my uncovered flesh is me. This is the absolute worst... I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. It's like suffocating and private and intimate form of torture. My skin is not my own and my body has betrayed me and the only way to seek comfort is to hurt it. God... why do I feel this. I close my eyes and you're gone. I close my eyes and I wish... I close my eyes and everything goes away only it doesn't. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my mind right now and I want it all to go away. I feel there are too many options here for me to make the right one. Fuck! I hate this.

here are the minutes

I tried writing a poem a few months ago, reading back I feel ready to add to it:

I like the idea of us
For a minute...
I miss the feel of us, for seconds...
I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness
Seeking comfort in the cold now
In the quiet;
I'm on the the apex,
about to fall on one of these sides
and neither seems right
The darkness climbs up
with icicles for fingers
rattling out a cold steam for breath
begging me to let go
give up and give in
as my heart gives out
relinquishes itself from desire
needs
and dances with mistakes
regrets and the like
we are criminal, a different beast
every time I feel the scratch of your
face against my soft skin
the part of me long thought deceased
lifts it's aged and exhausted head
and wonders if for a second
it might be revived...
only to rest weakly back down
as a dog too old to greet it's master
so is my hope so defeated and reluctantly apathetic
"Deception, A Beautiful Lie"

day one delayed

Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

I have been feeling unhealthy to an extreme lately. I have always been fat or overweight but I have never felt absolutely repulsive before. I feel so completely unattractive and undesirable that I don't even want to go out in public and I don't want to feel like this any more and fuck... I gotta start somewhere. Today I ate until I was content and then stopped. I waited ten to fifteen minutes to determine the status of my hunger... it is so weird to behave this way but I think it is normal and healthy and hopefully will lead me out of binging completely. My food wasn't 100% healthy today but it was 100% pesacatarian so yay!! Hopefully I can keep this up <3