creep

I was invited to go to the beach next weekend. :(
I've been hanging out with Hannah again. I'm gonna try to keep my space because she keeps saying that she knows exactly how I feel and it's kind of pissing me off.
I can't wait till tomorrow. I'm gonna hang out with Chloe. I can't cry around her since we've left treatment and ... she makes me ... happy and far away from the life I know.
I've done my best to get rid of all the things I've stolen. That sounds so shitty just ... ugh. I hate that I've stolen things. I've been giving a lot of things away because I've stolen them. I don't need them because they were never mine. I need to get a handle on my anger. I don't let it show...I mean people say they can see that I'm angry because they can see it in my eyes but...I don't go around breaking things.
I think I will be okay this time around, when hanging out with Hannah because I am not going to let her manipulate me or trick me into doing things. I need to learn to just say no, I don't want too. Or that's not my thing... or something that can adequately say piss off, without saying it. I don't like being that vulgar. It's not who I am. I had a mimosa last night... gave me a horrible headache so yeah no more drinking. Not worth it. I'm still suicidal. I'm trying to "be okay" just because should Sam come back to me I don't want to be all messed up. I want to be ... well, I am not sure if I can be happy, but I'd like to be content or at peace in some way. I miss him. God, do I miss him...

Had to eat again today. Thanks for making dinner every night mum! *sigh* It's all I've had all day so I figure that's not too bad AND I've been telling her to stop preparing meals with so much bread or we will all get fat and unhealthy. She said she knows and she will try to cut back. Thank God! I love her and I do love spending that time with my family at dinner but... it'd be easier if they all wanted salad without dressing and apples for dessert... Today's thinspo. I am in love with Natalie Portman, so I will be posting her more often.:)

gonna workout

I've consumed 250 calories today (approximately). I'm gonna work out for as long as I can stand it. I have a thinspo hint to share that I haven't seen anyone else post. When I workout at home, I turn on a space heater for about 15 minutes while I stretch before I workout and when I start to workout I wear a tall kitchen trash bag and cut three holes for my head, and arms. It makes me sweat like crazy! You seriously lose like five pounds per workout this way. Yeah, it's water weight and maybe two pounds of it comes back, but FIVE POUNDS! Anyway, here I go!

(workout thinspo)

stupid

I just ate four pickles. my stomach kills. Zero calories but the vinegar hurts my stomach. Eating was a stupid choice today. When I'm alone at night before I take my  sleep  aid the suicidal thoughts are at their worst. What I don't understand is that suicidal thoughts are not normal. I've always thought about killing myself... well since I was twelve and I realized how gross I was. How unlovable. I've thought about hurting that stupid little bitch I know he left me for. He denies it. But I felt it. I felt him  wanting her and being drawn to her. I could hear it in his voice. I know he left me because he started feeling for her. I know he just got sick of  my fat body. She's super fucking thin. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I will kill myself. There is no such thing as a good day. There are only the days I have to live in and every single one of them leaves me in the most debilitating pain without him. I know I don't have any readers so no one will miss me when I am gone. I can't cry right now. It's like the sadness is too deep. I can't cry. I just feel the pain. No release. Just trapped with these emotions.

The sleep aid is kicking in.

I started crying today at work. Mikaylah saw me after and hugged me. It eased the pain. Some. I talked to Bekah a lot today at work mainly because Hannah wasn't there to distract her. Hannah is straight up human poison. She sold all her anxiety meds to someone at work. I feel like I actually need them so I was pretty letdown to hear that I have to face every panic attack that comes my way. I'm watching Attack of the Show... :/ just saw the Transformers 3 trailer, yet another movie I was supposed to see with Sam...I hate the new stupid big-lipped blonde Michael Bay used to replace the gorgeous Megan Fox... I'm still gonna see it though. Probably alone. I prefer going alone if I can't go with Sam.

I completely binged today. I don't even want to say all the crap I ate. Most of it was at dinner in front of my family. I knew they were expecting me to eat. I tried purging... I couldn't. Tomorrow will be another fast. It's so difficult at work because I  work at a restaurant. Everyone is eating all the time... I  am  buying some coconut water (only 75 calories) tomorrow and the feel of it in my stomach usually keeps away the pangs. Ugh right now I feel so bloated and gross that I miss the feeling of control.  I do love the pain of hunger though. I feel ... powerful? The pain of hunger is becoming a friend that only I understand. Me and other girls like me. Here's today's thinspo. Try to stay thin if you're reading this. Try to stay beautiful. It's not easy, but nothing worth having in life ever is.

So my five mile run turned into a  four mile walk since my mom decided to go with me. I noticed how old she  is getting. She used to run every morning at like five  in the morning and run like four miles... now she  can barely walk four without being exhausted. Weird. She also told me about some guy she was with before my dad and it made her cry. I don't want that. How can Sam be okay with that? How can he just think it's okay to marry someone else and give a  small part of his heart to me forever? (He said I'd always have a small part of his heart) I hate it. I won't 'live like that. I won't let him  either. Killing myself makes too  much sense. I still need to make enough money to afford the scripts but once I get  them... I will be in a happy place. I feel like life has enough time to give Sam back to me  before I get enough money. I fear it won't  happen. I  pray it does. I hope. I hope. But I have a plan in case is doesn't. I wonder if after I die if anyone will put the pieces of the puzzle together and realize that I wrote this blog... probably not. The pieces of the puzzle are too well hidden. And I doubt anyone would care enough.
I've only had half  a cup of 100% juice (thank you Dying to be Thin for that amazing advice that has taken me so far) and diluted it with water so my juice lasts longer and I intake less calories. I plan on working out more today. Hopefully about an hour an half on my stomach (gross) and the rest of my  limbs. Today's thinspiration:

So I just got back from a church recovery group. I'm in an okay place. Suicide is still on the table. I can't wait for my fast tomorrow because I lost control today. I lost control big time. I've decided to post an image that has always inspired me. This girl is thin and beautiful and brunette! ha! I'm brunette. I identify with thin petite brunettes because I am 5'2 and proud to be brunette. I do think Kristen Bell is a great thinspo though... she was Sam's favorite... My favorite thinspo is Natalie Portman. She looks amazing in Black Swan and super tiny in that movie she did with Ashton Kutcher. Yeah I'm being fat right now. I am going to finish gorging and then get a  fresh start tomorrow. I will  tell my step-dad that my fast is religious. He will understand. I am going to do five miles. I was doing five miles for a while before I went to treatment. No big. The church recovery group was good. Ate like fatass in their starbucks like cafe afterwards though. I think the group will be good for me. I hope I don't lose my ana. If anything it will help  me love myself. It's a nine month process - the church group... I'm scared. Scared to let go. Scared to go to a place where it's just me and God... I will never forget Sam. I will never stop loving him. I am desperately hoping that we both get the help we need so that  we can be together again. I still don't want to  live without him. And I don't want to move on...Someone told me today (the wonderful woman who got me into this group last minute) that it's better to go through this process of self-love, self-discovery, self-recovery/healing by yourself because you won't hurt the other person... or pull any of their issues into your own... I know she's right, but it fucking hurts like nothing in the world. Hurts more  than broken bones. More than torn ligaments. More than spoiled teeth that need fixing. More than the death of a family member.  I've had all of these things. And this heartbreak... this emptiness... hurts so much worse than anything I've ever experienced. I literally feel pain in my heart and I do my best to will it to stop beating... but it won't listen. I leave you (the zero readers I have) with some thinspo. (I might make this a daily thing)

Today I  went to  the center for healthcare ... they set me up to see a counselor... well not really. I have to go to ANOTHER center that is also downtown and the woman I spoke with kept saying how she's concerned for my safety. Bottom-line is when she goes home to her cat and bottle of wine she will not think about me. And tomorrow at work she  will feign concern about someone else. I don't know if I will go to my appointment. I can't afford it. They will give me more meds though. I stupidly confessed my suicidal thoughts. So ... that was really dumb. Also I started crying in her office, like a total jackass. She offered me kleenex. Why do they think that Kleenex will help? They're just tears... they fucking hurt... true, but offer me zanex or vallium. That might make the hurt stop but kleenex sure as shit won't. And it feels stupid and insincere when they offer, like they want you to shut the hell up so here's some tissues to muffle your noise and dry your weakness.
I noticed that I am gaining weight and that terrifies me. I am going back to my ana ways. I've missed the hunger. The control. The beauty. I've had an apple and a spoonful of peanut better. I am going to fast. All day tomorrow. It will be difficult because my step-dad stays home with me. He is out of work right now. He will try to feed me all day. I will do my best to look busy in the kitchen when he's in the other room. I can do this. I need too.

the past few days...

This is my first entry. I used to write in a journal but it just doesn't do the trick any more.  I  have suffered from bulimia since I was a pre-teen. I blog anonymously and I recently tried to kill myself. I have been writing in my computer for the past four days. I will post the entries below starting with the oldest and ending with the one for today. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people who have the misfortune of knowing me. Maybe this blog will help me out of my "Major Depressive Disorder" and maybe it won't. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it will only give you comfort in knowing you have the right to end your own life. No one knows your pain, because it is yours. No one understands and that's okay. Stop letting them make you feel like shit about it.

this is the first one I wrote, two days out of treatment

April 22, 2011
Never have I felt a pain in my heart so intense...
like beating and living without him
is too hard for my heart to do
never in my life has living  been such a task
i wait for the days to  end
as soon as they begin
my life without him
is nothing i want
i wait for him in vain
everyday
i wait for my best friend
i wait for the  man i love
who will never come back
i  wait i wait
i hope
i try to pray
i miss him
and the pain never fades
it worsens each day
and i know i can't survive this
and it saddens me to leave this world
but it hurts much more to stay in it

April 23, 2011
the only thing keeping me going is the thought of suicide. planning. researching. find fail-proof methods. to acquire the lethal dosages i have to work a bit to  make the money to afford them. if David had not wiped out my supply ... i would have at least half of what I need, if not more. There is nothing in this life  worth living for. Least of all watching the man i love, fall in love with and marry someone else. i'm going to stop taking my anti-depressant. i'm going to use it to try to kill myself. that a the diazepam i am getting. and a sleeping pill called trampezene. and some oxycodene. yeah. ive been  doing my research. im  going to stop eating so i can be thinner when i  die. so i can be more beautiful... at least in death. i will never be an actress with enough money to take care of my family. i will never be Sam's wife and mother of his beloved and so badly wanted little daughter. And i don't want this shit life without him. I was so happy when I was with him. He could  make me smile without trying very hard at all. He ate my bad day one time haha we were made for each other. His words. Not mine. But I believed him when he said it. I believe him still.

April 24, 2011 Easter Sunday
i thanked God for resurrecting today. I praised him. I  said these things with words not song. I said it sincerely. Twice.
I've been looking up how to kill  myself. I still want too. The desire fades. I get it back by thinking of Sam with someone else. Him happy and married and making children. It feels so wrong. It hurts to bad. If I survive long enough to see this  happen, on the day he marries  or the day I find out... I will end my life. I work tomorrow so I don't know if I will still want to live. :/ writing in my journal feels like shit. I realize these little entries are basically journal entries... but I don't want to  write  any more and typing feels different.  Today was shit. I slept a lot. It was shit because I cried a lot. I saw Chloe (from treatment) and I had been looking forward to it all week and dreading it. I feel like she is the  only one I can REALLY talk to. She made me feel better. I think mainly because I described Sam  to her and she thinks he has bi-polar. I actually think he does too.  A mild case, but still he needs help. I even asked, "Is it fucked up to hope that he needs  help and gets it?" and she said no.  She is sweet. And affectionate. Perhaps too affectionate... no. I'm just not used to it. I do think he needs help. I do hope he gets help. I hope he gets better and finds faith. Finds that Christianity is so for him. It can be what he wants it to be as long as he remains true to himself and continues being as kind, sensitive, gentle, loving and wonderful as he is. He is already Christian... he just doesn't want  to be... and that's strange. Chloe made my day better. God definitely put her in my life to help me through this depression. I hope Sam gets help. I just hope he doesn't fall in love with someone else. I can't live without his love. Chloe gets me through  the tough parts and gets to me to a place where I can deal. But I know deep down I want Sam back and  I  want us to start new. I want us to be better than before and have a love to inspire others. Not create envy but just to help people like David and Ruth... but in our own way.  In the way God wants us too. *sigh* I love him. I love Him. I wish I could love myself... honestly I'm afraid. Afraid to love myself because then suicide won't be an option. I'm gonna go ahead and say that suicide is always an option. It feels good to have a way out. Even if I love myself ... I still love  Sam too. I want to marry him. It feels right. It had felt right for quite some time. Us. Marriage. Children. It still feels right. Its hard to hold onto love when you can't have some one though. Like I don't see him at all. Or txt. I might print all this out and paste it into my journal. Might. Relaxation and sleep  descend upon me. God keep  me safe in my sleep. Keep me safe until it is time for me to go whether by my own hand, sickness, or otherwise. I thank you Lord for all you have done for me.

April 25. 2011
I want to die today more than I have all week.  I know Sam is okay. He is just fine. I'm trying to watch Attack of the Show! ... mainly because it gives me this feeling of being connected to him. Hannah gave me zanex. I'm gonna try to get more from other people.  I already took one. Mellowed me out for a few hours. But then she txted me bc I got in trouble at work. I don't care. I really don't. It's really hard to get a job. Maybe I will work in retail or something. I will apply at Target and all that stuff. Fuck now AOTS is talking about a mustang super snake... Sam loves cars. Me too. I miss him. I miss our life. I hate the one I'm left with. I will take my own life. I just need to gather the right  amount of pills. Wow. The new super snake has 800 hrpwr. Holy hell. I wish I could txt him about it. Hannah has a  new bf. Typical. He's sensitive though. She's never dated someone like that. He will be good for her. All of my friends are in relationships. I am this lonely sack of shit saddening up their lives. Terry has boyfriend. Michelle has a boyfriend. Bekah is married. Hannah is a serial dater haha. David is married with kids. I have officially become a giant fucking inconvenience to everyone I know. Fuck even Chris is dating. The only single one is Justin and he creeps me out... like he has been waiting for me and Sam to fail. What a fucker. Even Chloe has her five times a week out-patient therapy and her bi-polar disorder... she did tell me that I could never be  a burden to her. That was sweet. And talking  to her about Sam... and the fact that he needs help and I probably did nothing wrong... I just  hate that he is finding comfort in other women. It makes me hate my life. It makes me want to end it... because I don't want to see the person I love, fall in love with someone else. I can't survive that. I'm going to keep collecting pills. I found all my meds David took, by the way. I got like six norcos, hydracodenes (vicodin) and I took some other  ones that my step-sister was prescribed for pain. And some for my step-mom too. Some anti-vomitting ones so that I won't vomit my pills but absorb them  and die. I want to die so badly. I can't do this life any more. My life is shit and it is  my own fault and Ive tried to get a new job. I've tried endlessly. I'm trying to go to school. But I don't care about it. I'm collecting pills from everyone I know. I will do  this.  I will get it right.