new life

I worked out for an hour today. I'm gonna shoot for two tomorrow. Maybe sauna time... actually no. Too fat. Men use the same workout facilities/sauna room since it's a community gym area for the whole complex. Maybe by the end of the March. I am trying to workout every day starting today. Sticking to at least an hr of cardio each day. As soon as I  pay rent I will be buying my calorie free essentials. Just things to make it easier. I am also going to buy a dresser and book shelf. I will be completely unpacked. Feel more human. More settled.  My goal is to be 25-30lbs lighter by June. I visit home in June and I want to look fit and healthy. I will  still be fat but, it's a start. Working out felt good. I can't wait to pay rent so that I will be able to buy healthy food as well. *sigh* I'm feeling sleepy.

still

Still fat.  Still friendless. Moving here feels more and more like a mistake every day. My roommate told me to look up hotspots in the town or in the big city nearby. Just might. I need friends. Having a job hasn't made anyone want to get to know me. Fuck. I'm lonely. I think if I was thinner I'd attract more people. Everyone in this fucking town is so fit and thin. It's annoying. Found a new thinspo woman. She's beautiful. Actress. Amy Acker is her name. I love her.

lack of color

Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
     "this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years..."


I am starting to realize just how much is wrong with me. And how much I want to finish school, get a real job so that I can have proper insurance so as to deal with all my shit. My depression comes from my belief that my body is crap. It is ugly. It is disgusting. I hate it. I'd rather be at home, alone in my room than out among people, subjecting them to my ugliness. I feel that disgusting. I feel that ugly. This causes me to be lazy, thus only getting fatter and fatter. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to hate myself forever, because... when suicide is something that I think about and fantasize about... I know I'm sick. I want to be the person I've wished to be. Thin. Beautiful. Wise. Patient. Kind. Loving. Loved. The opposite of what I have been my whole life. I want my confidence to always be there instead of smoke disappearing beneath grasps. I want to be better than what I have become. I want to be able to feel successful and happy. And... if not happy, then content. I want to be able to lie in bed all day for a day and not feel guilty for being lazy and fat. I want to be able to eat something and not think of ways to punish myself for it later. I want to workout as a daily routine, not 2 hrs of sweating and pain because I haven't lost any weight lately.
I want so badly to be . . . someone else. I am not thin beautiful wise patient kind or loved. Rather fat ugly stupid impulsive lazy and ignored. And even if I was all of those good things... without being thin... those things are worthless. No one wants to be loved by a fat woman. No one cares if a fat girl is kind or patient. She should be. She's fucking ugly and worthless. And no one loves a fat women. No, she is pitied. And here I am back at the beginning. Ana is the only way to a better life.

disordered disorder

So... there is something wrong with me. Something that I am barely starting to recognize. I like myself. I think I am pretty. I have an over-inflated idea of what I look like. I think I am slim and mini sized and pretty and fit well into my clothes. I have an Eliza Dushku type of personal self image. This self-image is what allows me to come off as confident when I meet someone in person. Then a photo is taken. Or I catch my reflection out in public. Or I see myself in a video feed displayed on a screen of some electronics store. The illusion of how I feel about the way I look is shattered. Ugly. Fat. I hate what I see. That can't be me. It can't. No. That fat disgusting blob has to be someone else. Then I evaluate how I have mostly female friends. The only people who compliment my appearance are women. I have no male prospects... ever. And I know its all true. I am that fat. I am that disgusting. And my self-esteem plummets. And I sink. I hate myself. I hate myself more and more until I start self-medicating and starving. And then I start to be okay with myself again... only to catch my reflection somewhere out in public and I hate myself all over again. What is the name for this disorder? The only way to fix it is to obviously lose weight, because I AM that fat. Mirrors and cameras don't lie. And neither does my lack of love life.  What the fuck is wrong with me  now and how many times can I keep  bouncing back  only to plummet before I have a severe mental collapse... because I feel one  coming on.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyone got any suggestions??