right back where I want me

Constant Knot - City and Colour

I just purged for the first time in over a month. I feel so much better. I feel like I'm getting myself back... if that makes any sense. I'm a bit scared though, because I am not on my meds any more. I am done with bread. Being Pescatarian, has been relatively easy, but I need to give up bread and fried foods. The weight will fall off I am sure... I just need to get rid of those two things. AND cut back on cheese. Guh, purging cheese is the absolute worst. Smells. Horrid. Worst to think of that staying in my body. Gross! I am waking up at sixish tomorrow and I am gonna workout. I have to meet with my group early in the morning... kind of. Can't explain detail as it might give away too much about me and my identity. My worthless step sister and the idiot psycho she let knock her up are going to be moving in. Awesome. I need to move out by the end of this month. I will probably move out with Hannah. I know. I'm really asking for it. Hooked up with Jake. I don't want to go into detail, for his anonymity's sake. Fun though. Ready for sleep now.

willow is dead

I've gotten fat... ter. I am nothing special. Keep getting rejected by anyone I've had feelings for. Might start taking drugs to cut the weight. Not sure yet. Next week I have my photoshoot... so I definitely won't be eating this week. Found my ana girls. Getting back to being smart. Getting back to being thin. I hate my life. The thoughts are back. The depression is ten times worse than before... well... ten times worse than it was last week. I need my meds. Priority number one, get meds. Number too, stop being fat. Number three, get a new fucking job. Everyone I like there got fired. Fuck that place. It's not worth the bullshit money I don't even make. It's get thin time. I hope I can shed ten before the photoshoot.

fuck

I am a horrible person. I took advantage of someone. I threw myself into lust because getting guys to want to fuck me or getting them to pull  down their pants is the one thing I am good at. Just when I thought I started to hate Sam... I don't. His body is the only one I want. His love. His perfect lips. His perfect embrace.  I have my retreat tomorrow... I don't think anything could make me hate myself more  or lose the will to live any more... I made out with Justin. He's a faggot. Big time. I miss my Sam. I miss him. His love. His embrace. His everything. Chris deployed, and our karaoke place closed down. Fuck. Even the supreme love I felt for Chris feels like nothing at this point. I want to  hear his voice.  My Sam. I miss him. I hate me more than anything else.