street lights

I see it in streetlights
stop signs
the desolate
places
they hide and theyre scared
they are so sick of the wait
he waits
and he feels
that he cant do this any more
the same girl
same kiss
different face or shape
he cant wait
anymore
promised hed wait forever, didnt he?
your prescence is requested
the beautiful and divine intervention....
Lord god I won't wait....
my soul burns
burns within me
within this sad and lonely cave
of my chest
bring your hand upon me...
let you holy deicison
grow with in me...
bring about you divine and worthy wisdom
let your hand move upon me
your glory your Holy... show me show me show me
in ways you never have

hoard

binged. binging. hot wings. beer. flatbread. 'tato chips. snickers. i should really just blow my brains out already

minutes

Swimming With You - Benton Falls

I like the idea of us. For a minute...I miss the feel of us. For seconds... I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness. I seek comfort in the cold now. In the quiet. I'm on the the apex, about to fall on one of these sides and neither seems right. The darkness climbs up toward me. Stretching it's icicle fingers.

... sorry thought I had a poem in me... definitely didn't.

After four days of liquids I ate today and I feel like shit. Back to liquid and starving tomorrow. And a hellish workout if I can get my fat ass up at a decent time tomorrow. I got S T O N E D  last night. Couldn't sleep. Thought weed would help. It didn't. Well... it did just ... I was so giggly and high that I forgot to fall asleep hah. Anyway, I just took a crapload of fiber to flush out the bullshit food I ate. I hung out with Beth. It's typical for me to eat around Beth even though she is the hotter one who men like. Fuck. I hate myself. Chase has been hangin out with everyone from work but me... makes me feel like ... inadequate. Not good enough. I had a good time with Beth tonight but I am really fucking over everything right now. I think I am going to regret moving back "home" by this time next year. I'm getting really fucking old.

I love love love her for doing this. It really grosses me out. Send to all your anas! This helps me so much!

http://youtu.be/xQ7EaMGUcY8

checkmate

So. After work, where I accidentally ate two Starbursts because someone offered them to me and I forgot I wasn't eating, I decided to go buy some coffee. It is soo good and I really wanted some. However, I got off work late so I decided to buy both decaf and regular, since I have to be at church hella early tomorrow. I clean out the coffee pot and brew about two and half cups of delicious. The roommates arrive. Their annoying kids. *sigh* I need to get the fuck out of here. So I lower my music and hear one say to the other, "Did you leave the coffee pot on?" -"No... but there was coffee left in it." "Well...*sigh* she's drinking our coffee then."
what.   THE.    F U C K.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YOU PRETENTIOUS ASS HOLE! GO FUCK YOURSELF. I DON'T NEED YOUR BULLSHIT COFFEE THAT PROBABLY COST SOME POOR MIGRANT WORKER HIS LIFE. NO THANKS FUCKTARD. I BUY FAIR TRADE. SO EAT A DICK.

That's better.

Other than the candy slip I have done well today! And I managed to work out! Woot!! Might have some soup later. Idks yet. <3

fluid

Been really depressed lately. I think about suicide at least once or twice a day. No planning though, just fantasizing about how I won't have problems any more. Things have been bad lately. I will be moving states again. I will be back "home" for awhile. Maximum of two years. Minimum of four months. Heh, sounds like I'm going to prison. I'm not. I got a new computer. Church is the only thing going well in my life right now which is why I haven't been blogging. It's been keeping me happy. Sane. Alive. However, whenever I am not at church or with the church friends... I am binge-ing. A lot. I have been eating so much...Everyday. Huge amounts of food. Amounts of food that I used to eat, that would be enough or too much... isn't enough any more. I eat double or triple. I have been eating alone. And gorging alone. Eating so fast that the food can't make it down my throat... I have been forming a food addiction and becoming a binge eater. Not by choice. By loneliness. By sadness. By hatred of myself. I started working out last week and weening myself from the binge-ing. I've become so addicted to food that I feel more depressed now that I can't have it. Depressed because I'm fat and more depressed because I can't eat any more. So I'm stuck. And I've turned to ana. Liquid diet today. Successfully. So I do feel happy about that. I plan to stay on liquid for the rest of the weekend. I can't lie - I miss food. It's like breaking up with someone who isn't good for you. Heh. Anyway, hopefully I will feel thinner and better by the end of the weekend.