disappointment x 2

Threw Up. Most of it came out on its own. Rest had to be purged. It hurt. I felt so sick. What a waste of money. I had a very sobering moment when I was brushing my teeth. My tongue was quivering. Twitching. It wouldn't stop. I had no control over it. I even put my hand on it to stop it from quivering but it just quivered under my hand. Like a little animal that had just been abused quivering in the corner. I felt so bad. I will never purge again. If I get sick and puke, then I get sick and puke but I will never do this to myself again. I felt so bad for my little quivering tongue. I did that. I made it tremble and shake with fear. Also, when I was rinsing, after brushing my teeth, there was blood. Did not expect that. I took some pepto to settle my stomach which still won't stop trembling. It was stupid to eat fast food. My first choice of fast food was closed and initially I took it as a sign to not eat anything but then my fatass remembered another fast food joint a bit closer to home. I knew better too. And I had the strength to say no. But I just wanted to make a bad decision. I don't know what's wrong with me. I do stupid things all the time that I so deeply regret. This was one of them. It's better to eat hardly anything and feel hungry than to eat like a pig and feel sick. All that purging made me sleepy.

disappointment

listening to Yeah, No... I know by Boys Night Out

I ate fast food. Haven't had it in months. Got more drunk. Wasn't even hungry. It was super greasy and disgusting and now  I feel so full but I'm scared to purge. My stomach hurts so bad. I deserve this. I will be working out so hard tomorrow. I wanna try for two hours. Day off. I hope I can stay home workout and nap all day. Hannah got more pills but I think Bekah told her not to give them to me. Just a feeling I have. I might have to purge. I feel like shit. Fast food = the goddamn devil (Sarah Marshall joke). Guh. I will N E V E R eat like this again. SO not worth it. My stomach is quivering. I haven't eaten shit in such a long time. My  body is going toxic on me. Also it's like 4:30am and I am wide awake. Not even drunk any more. Just shaky from the gross food. Ew. I had done not too terrible today too! I so fucking suck. Thank God this blog is anonymous so I can say how I really feel about all of this... I miss Sam more than I want to live. I will always have this blog. I will always have this blind honesty. It's like closing your eyes and not knowing if anyone is around and knowing that if anyone does listen to what you have to say that they won't hold it against you. They just listen. Just take it in and walk away. It's the fucking best. I'm doing a water fast tomorrow. No more drinking. I always eat when I drink and that shit needs to stop. And I curse way more. Ew. I need to stop smoking too. Super Ew. Water fast for the weekend. I hear you lose crazy weight doing that. Not real strength training just crazy cardio. I got my sauna suit so I am excites! I'm gonna sweat like crazy! Ugh. A wave of nausea followed by a deep yawn just hit me... ugh. I hope I don't purge... I won't make myself do it. That's how I feel. I won't FORCE it. But if my body can't handle what I did to it then I won't fight the purge. Ugh. I'm done.

friday night maybe

So I am D R U N K. The past few days it softly rained and then yesterday is rained really good. I loved it. I miss Sam. I thought about how we made love one time in my kitchen... We were so into it and then someone came home and we had to scurry off to my room. I love him. I hate this  life. I lost a pound this morning. I'm not gonna eat for the rest of the day so I can keep it off. I will probably drink later at a friend's party. I've been smoking lately, don't  know if I mentioned it. I smoked today. I hate smoking. It is a dreadful pain only endured because I deserve pain... I hate myself. A co-worker wouldn't shut up today about how shocked he was about Sam leaving me. Yeah, well I was pretty fucking shocked too so  shut the fuck up! :( That stupid Taylor Swift song came on today... one time around or before Christmas, me, Hannah, Sam and another girl from work  were at a diner and that song came on  and I said how  sad it was because ya know it's not a fairytale and you're not a princess... and then Sam said, "you're my princess" and then he kissed my cheek and neck and I never felt so happy... and now I am nothing. I am shit.  I am a single loser  who had to beg my friend to  have a party tonight just so I had something to do... I fucking suck. I really wanted Chris to be there... just maybe so I could have the chance of making some mistake but he has his military weekend so :( i hate my life i hate my life. I just started the song on my itunes. White Horse, by Taylor Swift. I wish I was strong... like some other girl who writes songs or gets her careers started because her love was destroyed. I wish I wish that I could be that girl... strong... happy... independent and driven... shit. I was... who am I now?

 

he was super in love with Alexandra Lawn from Ra Ra Riot... she's super thin

seen her in real life. thin as hell. beautiful.

proofs

The undeniable evidence that I am who I am will be in this entry... like I said... if anyone cares enough to read it... anyone that I know, I mean.
For Valentine's Sam bought me tickets to a show in Austin. A really amazing band that doesn't tour very often. We went to this bookstore in Austin before the show... no... it was the day after... before we left for home. Yeah. We went to this book store downtown called The Book People, which is a really badass place by the way, and if you're ever in Austin, please check it out. It had a bag check, which I'm not used to, but I still loved it. So we're on the second level of this bookstore and there are a lot of glass cases around the place holding cool collector's items, bookends, jewelry and all kinds of stuff. Sam sees these two little scarabs, which are ancient Egyptian beetles, carved of wood and painted a deep emerald green. He asks, as I leave the restroom, "Can you buy me one of those scarabs?" he points to the pair sitting close together at the bottom of this five foot glass case. I immediately say no and ask why and he looks let down. I feel awful because I was being a mean bitch for no reason and I can't stop thinking about the little  bugs and then I ask him Why again. Because they look badass he says and I want them, he modified. I tell him that I can't separate the little pair and Sam smiles that gorgeous happy smile he gets...I find a book seller and ask him to  hold the little bugs for me. He says they're cool little guys and puts them on hold downstairs behind the cashwrap. As we leave  I jokingly say something about the beetles being our babies and it freaks Sam out. That should've been the biggest first sign. He names the beetles Maximilian and Cornelius.
The night he broke up with me, which wasn't even a month later, he walks me out to my car. I sit in the driver's seat, tears filling my eyes and he is looking at me and he looks so full of hope... he looks so sure that he won't be breaking my heart in the end... and he is twirling something in his hands as he is leaning over the open car door. It's one of our scarabs.
A week or  so later, when I was getting some of my stuff form his house, he offered to let me have both of them... and I said no. They can't be together any more because we're not together... 
For some sadistic reason, beyond me and my understanding, I remembered my scarab. He sits next to my keyboard which is on a coffee table next to the foot of my bed... the scarab has been hiding for a few weeks I guess.. and I remembered him... and I picked him up.
Is it really May already? Has Sam been out of love with me  for a month at least...
I hate my life a little more each day.
And this pain only gets worse the more people tell me it gets easier...I can't wait to die.

rain

I have nothing to say. The thoughts are here. The pain is here x a thousand. Studio 60 is keeping my heart from falling out and White Oleander will get me to sleep... and all I want is rain. Rain to pour. Rain to pour pour pour. Sam loved the rain. Overcast days with a sharp cool breeze were his favorite. I love them  now too. Not because he did but because they  accurately reflect the poison within...I love an overcast day and with all that is in me to want something other than  Sam... I want the rain. The rain with the soft rolling thunder... because the raucous thunderclaps proceeded by migraine-inducing lightening is not the storm I wish for. No. Just the downpour. Just the rain. Just the water. Just for one day can the earth do the crying... and can that day be tomorrow. I hate this life... and in these moment before sleep I want nothing of it.

fattitude

So I ate like a fucking cow today. My day got off to an awful start and I'm only okay right now because for the past five or so hours I have been taking in the show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It's amazing. It's flawless. It only ran for one season? Sometimes America is stupid and that saddens me. Missing the mark with Studio 60 only running one season is just as sad as Freaks and Geeks running only one season... and if you don't know what that means... for the love of God open up Wikipedia and learn yo'self foo! Anyway... that's a little of the non-depressed me coming out... she's delightful and Sam begged her to be a stand-up comedian and the only reason I consider that is because I'm a writer, I'm moderately funny when I tell jokes and not ask for the laugh (thank you Studio 60 for making the clarification because I'm pretty sure it might make me a better writer/comedian/actress), and it's the easiest (and it's not easy at all) way to break into "show business." On that note... let's take it back  down to the notch this blog is amped on... depression. My car wouldn't start last night when I went out with Chris Michelle and Justin. Yes I know I'm not using commas, but at this point they are just slowing me down. So! I took my mom's car instead, pathetic that I'm 24 and live with my parents, I know it, stop thinking it. She happens to conveniently be out of work so I can borrow her car tomorrow and although I only have 10$ to my name and I DESPERATELY need to close lunch tomorrow morning I can't because my nephew is turning six years old tomorrow and my mom agreed to spend the day with him which would be sweet if I didn't have to run the errands that will enable me to one day be an actress. What the hell could that be, you're asking! Well, that would be running to a FedEx and printing an application and filling it out so that I can get a hourly waged job at around 10.50+ an hr as full time with benefits at a smoothie place so that I can save enough money to pay off my medical  bills which are currently at >$2,500 and counting, save enough money for at least a $5,000 down payment for a new Nissan Juke AWD red with the SL package so that I can have a safe, reliable car to take me to California where a friend lives and I can crash on his couch. Which I haven't asked him about yet because I deleted my Facebook account because of the yeah... I want this done by November. Well, I want it done by tomorrow but I'm not rich, my credit is ass, and my parents have shit credit too. So yeah... super fuck. Also... the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with left me. Did I mention that? Because that's why this whole blog started in the first place. He told me he wasn't in love with me any more and I couldn't live with that and I  mean REALLY couldn't live with it so the whole suicide thing happened. Fuck, I couldn't even get that right. I know, the joke has been done but c'mon. When you're suicidal... and you try and fail... the handful of artists who attempt, we have to scoff at ourselves, just a little. And with that I said, with a full and hurting and disgusting stomach... I started my 3 day fast because while I am saving money for LA I need to get the rest of me ready for a city full of rejection spray on tans and fake tits... I need to lose like 90 lbs if I want to even be considered for any part... in anything. So I'm fasting tomorrow till Friday morning. And I'm logging in a minimum of an hour of workout time. Here's the daily skinny, and expect a post later, after the sleeping pills have been ingested and the suicidal thoughts come back with vengeance.

hitting every branch on the way down

I hung out with Chris again tonight. Michelle and Justin were there. Eh. Justin was less creepy. ... hope he's getting the hint. I'm watching Criminal Minds... kinda. I've seen nearly every single episode...so really I'm not watching it. Just an excuse to see the Gube... who looks exactly like Sam. I cried at the bar tonight. In public.  I also sang... Chris goes to karaoke bars all the time... he finally found his voice. ha. I always told him he could sing. He can. Pretty good. Sam could sing too. I ate so much today it's gross. I had two scoops of vanilla ice cream, which is about 200 cals. And half a slice of cake. Then for dinner I had roasted chicken, roasted veggies and sun chips. F A T. Yeah super pissed at myself. Work tomorrow. Should be easy to fast. Watermelon only twice a day. Half a smoothie. Approximately 250 cals all day. I'm excited. Cycle is almost over so I can workout again and I can weight myself on Tuesday morning. I says Tues so I can have a two powerful workouts under my belt before I weigh-in again. I think I'm falling for Chris again. I hope not. I don't think so. I'm still too in love with Sam. I've been watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip... been making me feel okay with life. Making me feel I NEED to leave to L.A. I gotta get that Juke first... awesome eco friendly and super cute car. I miss Sam.  I love him so much. I hate my life. Suicide is still an option. It's more an option when I'm alone. I can't wait to die... I can't wait to leave. I hate this life.  I hate this world. I don't belong here. I love you Sam. Please  come back to me...

she's so perfect and tiny...