Friday, June 10, 2011
the gun is cocked
After my entry the other night my best called. Sam has a new girlfriend. It is the skinny bitch I feared. And I am going to kill myself. It's only a matter of time. I got prescribed zoloft and xanax. My case worker was worried about me so I had to go on suicide observation for 23 hours. I am going to end my life. I just need to collect a few more pills. I'm not excited. I'm nothing. I've cried so hard these past 24 hours. I want to die. And I will.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
don't feel sorry for yourself. only assholes do that.
please
PLEASE
DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~what KIND of guy would ONLY love you IF YOU ARE THIN?????????????????????!!!
that's sheer MADNESS
...case in point
before I became a Christian
I was dating a guy
'man' I ..loved but the guy was just using me
tbc
cntd
this lifestyle I had led to a
breakdown for me
a series of miraculous things occurred in my life
events
(but really, they were just everyday events,
but miraculous nonetheless, because these "everyday" events led me...away from the man who was using me TO a life with Jesus CHRIST)
..long story short
in my 20's I was addled with
similar feelings and anxiety and depression as well
it took time for me to GROW spiritually
and live my life NOT based on an unequally yolked connection where I was being used..
time went by, and eventually I met my now Husband, a Christian as well
...between the time I was in the hospital AND the time I met my now Husband, I had put on some weight DUE to the medications I had to be on to help with my...(then ) aggravated state of depression and anxiety..
Simply stated, the MAN I met..back then met me and fell in love with me for ME
...he knew I was dealing with needing a healing, over time, from depression and anxiety, in part due to some emotional abuse in my upbringing, yet he NEVER EVER made a mockery of the little bit of extra weight I carried, and
the previous man I was involved with was QUICK to notice the few pounds I gained from meds which helped stabilize me in a then HIGHLY charged stressful home environment.. and did nothing less than remark about my weight gain
regardless of the fact that at the time I needed the medication..
~eventually, it was clear to see where his priorities were..
they were probably mostly just fleshly and carnal and
almost NOTHING about me soul or well being in general
cuz if they were...
he'd of had a different reaction..
I feel this
in all honesty..
fast forward..
twenty one years..
and I am happily married to the MAN
who has loved me inside OUT
and been with me all this time and
loved me...
as he's watched me go now back DOWN on the scale..
Jesus CHRIST and this man's love-my dear Husband...
have been the balm I have needed..
to..help heal my soul,
and give me the love I never had..
I am not bragging, we work ..on our marriage
but we are perfect for each other
and I have NO doubt it is because
we made sure we were marrying in an equal yolk from the start
(two committed Christians, for real..)
so we both have had the same priorities to love God first as we know Him (Jesus Christ),
and to love each other as HE would want us to..
Over the years, we have weathered a lot..
lost babies, money..
and been through ups and downs like anybody..
I want to say this to you for the sake of your HOPE honey
Your life is SO NOT OVER
and for the sake of any and every other
hopeless-feeling girl or guy reading this
You were meant to live for SO MUCH MORE
so PLEASE don't buy the death-mode current medias fascination with death as some 'solution'
there's NO coming back from it...
and you have GOT To know
if you stick around long enough in life,
things really DO get better
How the heck do *I know?
*smiles
I'm living proof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
let yourself do what you must to get past this time
but I assure you there is so much more to your life than this temporary time of self ..hatred
Please don't hate yourself
GOD loves you and made you in HIS very image
just because one guy cannot see the beauty in you
is so totally NOT a reason to give up one of God's GREATEST GIFTS to you,
outside of Salvation through ONE way,
Jesus
praying you get to see the bigger picture over time
*praying for you
an anonymous Christian who cares
from N.J
http://www.walking-wounded.net/html/christians___suicide__suicidal.html
http://www.walking-wounded.net/html/christians___suicide__suicidal.html
*Shalom,
please
Thank you. Your comment made me cry... brought a sense of "whew okay" to me... I am still in an awful place... But prayers help... so thank you. It's nice to know someone cares... a little depressing that you don't even know me and it seems you care more than everyone else who actually does... but hey... at least it's something.
Also! I loved the "don't feel sorry for yourself..." comment. Made me laugh and it keeps my ass in check, so thanks whoever you are.
Post a Comment