no...but my ears are like

no... but my ears are like, REALLY burning.Concerned friends turn to check on me in the backseat. lol wtf did they really think fire had spontaneously spawned from my ears? haha, jackasses. I crack myself up. Super high right now. Every minute that goes by feels like twenty, so I giggle whenever I check the clock. Like I tricked the world or something. So! I hallucinated from weed for the first time tonight! First, the beat of the song (Metric is an AWESOME band when you're high btw) was strobing in my brain. Then I thought about how I can feel the song in my bones. And then my mind put an image to the thought, and apparently Microsoft Word has brain-washed my brain to use clip-art as my instan-image for my brain. So I these pop art looking femur bones are flashing in quad-screen, purple, yellow, and hot pink, and they start strobing in my head. If you're ever seen clip-art, you know how bad it is. It's basically just charcoal outlines, and whatever now-rich-jackass though of that, I truly envy. Anyway, so clip-art is awful,  so the ends of the bones start to look like  little mushrooms. And I really hope people get the reference of this next part because it truly makes it. So my brain starts zooming in on the mushrooms and then skews them into little shapes of hundreds scrolling horizontally on the screen, a la Beauty and the Beast, "Be Our Guest" song. For real. That was  my hallucination. For whatever reason, I found this hilarious, and couldn't stop giggling as I drove. Which helped with my crazy day-mouth. And now here I am... high as a kite, loading Buffy on netflix, and hating my life so much my insides die a little more, each day. I miss Sam so much. I cry where ever I am. Even at the restaurant Chris works at on the side. I went to visit him today. He said he likes when friend's surprise him at work. My Chris-crush from tortuous days of old, is not back, so no one panic! My head is doing that pounding thing. I wanna watch Buffy. Hey! Xander is totally hot! I don't know why he didn't get more play. Seth Green is way hotter though. Well... idk Nicholas Brendon has also been hot... but Seth Green is sexy AND super creative... Ugh! I am not debating over the hotness or dudes who are probably in their forties by now! Holy shit. My chest burns. Like a super stingy feeling. Ouch-ees. Maybe my stupid Chris-crush is back! :( Shit. *whines*  It's like some  stupid part of my heart refused to let go of  him. Ouch, the starbursts and twisslers are burning in my throat. Guh. I hate that my Chris thing never goes away. Not even when I was with Sam. FML.I loved Sam100%. More than anyone and I wanted nothing more than anything to be his wife... I never wanted to be wasted, stoned, or anything for that matter, other than his wife and mother to his children. He was all I needed to be happy. I want to buy a gun. Make it quick. No time to second guess. I hate myself. My only goal was to keep Sam with me! And I failed. I fucking failed so bad. I was everything. EVERYTHING he could  ever want or need... and still. I wasn't enough. I fell short. I'm still too fucking fat and he was disgusted with having ever slept with me! How can you just stop loving someone like  that! Why did he hurt me! What "test" of his did I fail? I would have done ANYTHING  for him. I hate myself for losing him. I'm starting to cry because I am remembering  something I repressed. When I was asking him if I had done this or that differently, would he have stayed or if this or that was the nail in the coffin... and he said "None of that would've mattered...cause from the beginning...." and now my un-sober mind untangles things and sees how he could've meant it differently than the horrible way my sadist mind interpretes things. My high mind unravels things and sees them, probably how Sam would've seen them. In the way he meant it to be rather than the way my sad past makes my mind think it to be.  I need to write that I think the  original intention of that is said in a more  sweet and gentle, descending type of way... rather than the bitter, angry, regretful type of way. Otherwise I will forget the Sam way. He was never as mean as my  stupid bitch mind made him out to be. This is a long rambly-stoned-person's type of blog. Okay. Bye now.

It took me 45+ minutes to write and proof read this entry. teehee.