I've lost another three pounds today. It feels so good. The starving hurts but by God does it work.

I started today in such a bad place. Woke up from dreams about Sam. Woke up crying. Then I get online to get some thinspo and I was even starting to get sad about thinspo because one of the girls I'm chatting with has a boyfriend of two years and it made me miss Sam even more. I vented to her a bit but it just made me even more sad... we were so good together. And he's just fine. He is doing so good without me. It's better to starve because my body can only focus on so much pain at one time. I love him still, and I am desperately hoping with all my heart that he will come back...

"My wife" the beautifully thin and all around beautiful, Ms. Natalie Portman.

courage

Finally worked up the courage to listen to Death Cab For Cutie...this is fucking brutal... it was our favorite band together and we saw them live together May 1, 2009 at Austin City Music Hall...my heart is bleeding all over my insides...

Church group was good. I think I'm getting somewhere... I think I will be in a good place. I will be. I am not there... but I hope that a good place for me  exists at the end of this... I feel like there is goodness at the end of this tunnel, even if I can't see it. I hope Sam comes back... I'm not gonna lie. I never denied God... I've doubted through this... I've questioned... but I haven't denied Him. At least I can take comfort in that. *huff* It's so hard to take comfort in that.  One of the church group leaders (there's two - "Mindy" and "Cass") started crying about what me and another girl were saying. She so deeply cares and wants to help us...

Mindy and Cass are both so tiny. So thin. Both married. *huff* And they're good women. I want to be that...

The more I think about it, the more moving to L.A. seems like the right idea. Not soon. I need my new car first... but these are things that I genuinely feel like are good things for me that God does not shake his head  in disagreement with...They feel right. And not in my own emotion but in what  God wants for me.

Time for bed soon,  I'm starving :)

I've lost three pound so far. I'm truly glad about that but I have a long way to go. I have been pretty sad lately though. I cried today at work thinking of Sam. He's called me a goddess a few times. God he adored me. He really loved me. How can he just turn that off? Holidays are the fucking worst. I totally skipped out on Easter. He's always been with me. Holidays have had added happiness because I had him. I hope he comes back, otherwise I am getting thin to look  good in my casket. I miss him deeply. He was my other half. We complimented each other so well. How can that have felt wrong to him? It hurts me more than words will ever be able to express. He used to answer the phone, "Yes, my Queen?" This life is shit without him. Suicide is definitely still on the table. I should have the money by next week for the scripts. I hate this life.

I have an ana-txting buddy. Ana is seriously the only thing keeping me going.

Michelle's boyfriend just moved out so ... there goes that friendship. That ship sailed awhile ago though. Sam always said she was a shitty friend. He truly disliked her... mainly because she is selfish and completely fake. Her main priority has always been herself. She's really stuck up like that. Sam would always say, "She's your best friend," in a slightly sarcastic way...He wrote  a really nasty untitled blog  about her on facebook. I guess it was technically a "note" then. He always said if we ever broke up that he'd tell her that blog was about her. She's been good to me in the past and she DID visit me in the hospital... but... She's always been a little fake. Maybe me and her will rekindle our long lost bro-mance. I doubt it. I think I put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship when I tried to kill myself. I know it really pissed her off. And I know she doesn't  understand me. I don't think she wants to any more though...

I can't believe I've lost three pounds! I'm excited for how much I will weight next week. I have a church group tonight so... ehhh. They serve cookies, and cinnamon rolls, and muffins and all kinds of crap there. I really don't want to go to this church group... not because of the food but because I feel full of shit when I talk there... like... I'm saying what I'm supposed to say not what I think... although ...I did feel something last week. Getting better doesn't matter to me any more. Getting thin does. And getting Sam back most importantly. I'm so done with blabbering. Here's to the daily thinspo.

lost the will to live

listening to After All That, It's Come to This by Amos the Transparent (feat. Amy Milan)

In the part of the country where I live, it never gets below 80 dergrees once the end of April passes. It has been at record breaking all the time lows for the beginning of May. It will be this way for three days.

I have once again lost the will to live. Sam has been on my mind so much today. All day. I'm not going to the beach any more. Too soon. I don't know if I like the beach any more. The last  time I was there  was approximately a year ago... on our one year anniversary. My heart hurts. My soul aches. I've cried quite bit today and ... it's like the anti-depressant tells my heart that it can't be hurt and it's okay to think about him. But I'm not. And as soon as my heart catches up to my brain and realizes it has been thinking of Sam... the tears come and the pain is a deafening radiation all over my body. I love this weather... I wish the sunny skies of this city would disappear because the cloudy cold weather is the world my heart lives in. It's a comfort that the earth is as sad as I am. That this unnatural coldness has descended upon the city because everything feels so unnatural and wrong  about him not  being in my life. I'm getting so sick of calling him Sam by the way...I won't reveal his name though. He was too good to me when he was in love with me to do something that cruel. The physical pain is inside my heart again. It breaks again everyday. How long until nothing of it is left?

I've had nothing but Bolthouse Farms Green Goddess smoothie and watermelon all day (except a few crackers). I've been doing really good on that front. It's weird... as hungry as I am... I have no desire  to eat. It as though the mechanical feature of eating makes  me feel more empty and alone. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong today...

The photos are as follows... thinspo...A cold day in New Hampshire a few days ago that the gorgeous  man who's photo proceeds below tweeted... he looks a lot like Sam. Complete strangers tell him on a daily basis.
  

i miss everything about my life

I just transferred all my photos of Sam from my blackberry to my laptop in case one of my  jackass friends deletes all my pictures in trying to "help" me. I had a dream about him last night. He had taken a lot of drugs (which would never happen because he isn't into that crap) and somehow I found out and  I went to check on him and he asked me to put on some perfume so he could be with me the way he remembered me. I was about to get up to go put some on when he told me to wait. And then he started kissing me. My dreams are  a cruel joke.

This life doesn't even feel like mine. I hate waking up now because I wake up to a world without him. I wake up in a world where he is okay without me. He is just fine.

I'm gonna watch Factory Girl. The best thinspo movie of all time. I highly recommend buying it from amazon. You won't want to eat after ... maybe you'll wanna smoke a cigarette haha anyway. Today's thinspo.

creep

I was invited to go to the beach next weekend. :(
I've been hanging out with Hannah again. I'm gonna try to keep my space because she keeps saying that she knows exactly how I feel and it's kind of pissing me off.
I can't wait till tomorrow. I'm gonna hang out with Chloe. I can't cry around her since we've left treatment and ... she makes me ... happy and far away from the life I know.
I've done my best to get rid of all the things I've stolen. That sounds so shitty just ... ugh. I hate that I've stolen things. I've been giving a lot of things away because I've stolen them. I don't need them because they were never mine. I need to get a handle on my anger. I don't let it show...I mean people say they can see that I'm angry because they can see it in my eyes but...I don't go around breaking things.
I think I will be okay this time around, when hanging out with Hannah because I am not going to let her manipulate me or trick me into doing things. I need to learn to just say no, I don't want too. Or that's not my thing... or something that can adequately say piss off, without saying it. I don't like being that vulgar. It's not who I am. I had a mimosa last night... gave me a horrible headache so yeah no more drinking. Not worth it. I'm still suicidal. I'm trying to "be okay" just because should Sam come back to me I don't want to be all messed up. I want to be ... well, I am not sure if I can be happy, but I'd like to be content or at peace in some way. I miss him. God, do I miss him...

Had to eat again today. Thanks for making dinner every night mum! *sigh* It's all I've had all day so I figure that's not too bad AND I've been telling her to stop preparing meals with so much bread or we will all get fat and unhealthy. She said she knows and she will try to cut back. Thank God! I love her and I do love spending that time with my family at dinner but... it'd be easier if they all wanted salad without dressing and apples for dessert... Today's thinspo. I am in love with Natalie Portman, so I will be posting her more often.:)

gonna workout

I've consumed 250 calories today (approximately). I'm gonna work out for as long as I can stand it. I have a thinspo hint to share that I haven't seen anyone else post. When I workout at home, I turn on a space heater for about 15 minutes while I stretch before I workout and when I start to workout I wear a tall kitchen trash bag and cut three holes for my head, and arms. It makes me sweat like crazy! You seriously lose like five pounds per workout this way. Yeah, it's water weight and maybe two pounds of it comes back, but FIVE POUNDS! Anyway, here I go!

(workout thinspo)