Today I  went to  the center for healthcare ... they set me up to see a counselor... well not really. I have to go to ANOTHER center that is also downtown and the woman I spoke with kept saying how she's concerned for my safety. Bottom-line is when she goes home to her cat and bottle of wine she will not think about me. And tomorrow at work she  will feign concern about someone else. I don't know if I will go to my appointment. I can't afford it. They will give me more meds though. I stupidly confessed my suicidal thoughts. So ... that was really dumb. Also I started crying in her office, like a total jackass. She offered me kleenex. Why do they think that Kleenex will help? They're just tears... they fucking hurt... true, but offer me zanex or vallium. That might make the hurt stop but kleenex sure as shit won't. And it feels stupid and insincere when they offer, like they want you to shut the hell up so here's some tissues to muffle your noise and dry your weakness.
I noticed that I am gaining weight and that terrifies me. I am going back to my ana ways. I've missed the hunger. The control. The beauty. I've had an apple and a spoonful of peanut better. I am going to fast. All day tomorrow. It will be difficult because my step-dad stays home with me. He is out of work right now. He will try to feed me all day. I will do my best to look busy in the kitchen when he's in the other room. I can do this. I need too.