So I just got back from a church recovery group. I'm in an okay place. Suicide is still on the table. I can't wait for my fast tomorrow because I lost control today. I lost control big time. I've decided to post an image that has always inspired me. This girl is thin and beautiful and brunette! ha! I'm brunette. I identify with thin petite brunettes because I am 5'2 and proud to be brunette. I do think Kristen Bell is a great thinspo though... she was Sam's favorite... My favorite thinspo is Natalie Portman. She looks amazing in Black Swan and super tiny in that movie she did with Ashton Kutcher. Yeah I'm being fat right now. I am going to finish gorging and then get a  fresh start tomorrow. I will  tell my step-dad that my fast is religious. He will understand. I am going to do five miles. I was doing five miles for a while before I went to treatment. No big. The church recovery group was good. Ate like fatass in their starbucks like cafe afterwards though. I think the group will be good for me. I hope I don't lose my ana. If anything it will help  me love myself. It's a nine month process - the church group... I'm scared. Scared to let go. Scared to go to a place where it's just me and God... I will never forget Sam. I will never stop loving him. I am desperately hoping that we both get the help we need so that  we can be together again. I still don't want to  live without him. And I don't want to move on...Someone told me today (the wonderful woman who got me into this group last minute) that it's better to go through this process of self-love, self-discovery, self-recovery/healing by yourself because you won't hurt the other person... or pull any of their issues into your own... I know she's right, but it fucking hurts like nothing in the world. Hurts more  than broken bones. More than torn ligaments. More than spoiled teeth that need fixing. More than the death of a family member.  I've had all of these things. And this heartbreak... this emptiness... hurts so much worse than anything I've ever experienced. I literally feel pain in my heart and I do my best to will it to stop beating... but it won't listen. I leave you (the zero readers I have) with some thinspo. (I might make this a daily thing)