Thursday, April 28, 2011

I started crying today at work. Mikaylah saw me after and hugged me. It eased the pain. Some. I talked to Bekah a lot today at work mainly because Hannah wasn't there to distract her. Hannah is straight up human poison. She sold all her anxiety meds to someone at work. I feel like I actually need them so I was pretty letdown to hear that I have to face every panic attack that comes my way. I'm watching Attack of the Show... :/ just saw the Transformers 3 trailer, yet another movie I was supposed to see with Sam...I hate the new stupid big-lipped blonde Michael Bay used to replace the gorgeous Megan Fox... I'm still gonna see it though. Probably alone. I prefer going alone if I can't go with Sam.

I completely binged today. I don't even want to say all the crap I ate. Most of it was at dinner in front of my family. I knew they were expecting me to eat. I tried purging... I couldn't. Tomorrow will be another fast. It's so difficult at work because I  work at a restaurant. Everyone is eating all the time... I  am  buying some coconut water (only 75 calories) tomorrow and the feel of it in my stomach usually keeps away the pangs. Ugh right now I feel so bloated and gross that I miss the feeling of control.  I do love the pain of hunger though. I feel ... powerful? The pain of hunger is becoming a friend that only I understand. Me and other girls like me. Here's today's thinspo. Try to stay thin if you're reading this. Try to stay beautiful. It's not easy, but nothing worth having in life ever is.

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