the past few days...

This is my first entry. I used to write in a journal but it just doesn't do the trick any more.  I  have suffered from bulimia since I was a pre-teen. I blog anonymously and I recently tried to kill myself. I have been writing in my computer for the past four days. I will post the entries below starting with the oldest and ending with the one for today. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people who have the misfortune of knowing me. Maybe this blog will help me out of my "Major Depressive Disorder" and maybe it won't. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it will only give you comfort in knowing you have the right to end your own life. No one knows your pain, because it is yours. No one understands and that's okay. Stop letting them make you feel like shit about it.

this is the first one I wrote, two days out of treatment

April 22, 2011
Never have I felt a pain in my heart so intense...
like beating and living without him
is too hard for my heart to do
never in my life has living  been such a task
i wait for the days to  end
as soon as they begin
my life without him
is nothing i want
i wait for him in vain
everyday
i wait for my best friend
i wait for the  man i love
who will never come back
i  wait i wait
i hope
i try to pray
i miss him
and the pain never fades
it worsens each day
and i know i can't survive this
and it saddens me to leave this world
but it hurts much more to stay in it

April 23, 2011
the only thing keeping me going is the thought of suicide. planning. researching. find fail-proof methods. to acquire the lethal dosages i have to work a bit to  make the money to afford them. if David had not wiped out my supply ... i would have at least half of what I need, if not more. There is nothing in this life  worth living for. Least of all watching the man i love, fall in love with and marry someone else. i'm going to stop taking my anti-depressant. i'm going to use it to try to kill myself. that a the diazepam i am getting. and a sleeping pill called trampezene. and some oxycodene. yeah. ive been  doing my research. im  going to stop eating so i can be thinner when i  die. so i can be more beautiful... at least in death. i will never be an actress with enough money to take care of my family. i will never be Sam's wife and mother of his beloved and so badly wanted little daughter. And i don't want this shit life without him. I was so happy when I was with him. He could  make me smile without trying very hard at all. He ate my bad day one time haha we were made for each other. His words. Not mine. But I believed him when he said it. I believe him still.

April 24, 2011 Easter Sunday
i thanked God for resurrecting today. I praised him. I  said these things with words not song. I said it sincerely. Twice.
I've been looking up how to kill  myself. I still want too. The desire fades. I get it back by thinking of Sam with someone else. Him happy and married and making children. It feels so wrong. It hurts to bad. If I survive long enough to see this  happen, on the day he marries  or the day I find out... I will end my life. I work tomorrow so I don't know if I will still want to live. :/ writing in my journal feels like shit. I realize these little entries are basically journal entries... but I don't want to  write  any more and typing feels different.  Today was shit. I slept a lot. It was shit because I cried a lot. I saw Chloe (from treatment) and I had been looking forward to it all week and dreading it. I feel like she is the  only one I can REALLY talk to. She made me feel better. I think mainly because I described Sam  to her and she thinks he has bi-polar. I actually think he does too.  A mild case, but still he needs help. I even asked, "Is it fucked up to hope that he needs  help and gets it?" and she said no.  She is sweet. And affectionate. Perhaps too affectionate... no. I'm just not used to it. I do think he needs help. I do hope he gets help. I hope he gets better and finds faith. Finds that Christianity is so for him. It can be what he wants it to be as long as he remains true to himself and continues being as kind, sensitive, gentle, loving and wonderful as he is. He is already Christian... he just doesn't want  to be... and that's strange. Chloe made my day better. God definitely put her in my life to help me through this depression. I hope Sam gets help. I just hope he doesn't fall in love with someone else. I can't live without his love. Chloe gets me through  the tough parts and gets to me to a place where I can deal. But I know deep down I want Sam back and  I  want us to start new. I want us to be better than before and have a love to inspire others. Not create envy but just to help people like David and Ruth... but in our own way.  In the way God wants us too. *sigh* I love him. I love Him. I wish I could love myself... honestly I'm afraid. Afraid to love myself because then suicide won't be an option. I'm gonna go ahead and say that suicide is always an option. It feels good to have a way out. Even if I love myself ... I still love  Sam too. I want to marry him. It feels right. It had felt right for quite some time. Us. Marriage. Children. It still feels right. Its hard to hold onto love when you can't have some one though. Like I don't see him at all. Or txt. I might print all this out and paste it into my journal. Might. Relaxation and sleep  descend upon me. God keep  me safe in my sleep. Keep me safe until it is time for me to go whether by my own hand, sickness, or otherwise. I thank you Lord for all you have done for me.

April 25. 2011
I want to die today more than I have all week.  I know Sam is okay. He is just fine. I'm trying to watch Attack of the Show! ... mainly because it gives me this feeling of being connected to him. Hannah gave me zanex. I'm gonna try to get more from other people.  I already took one. Mellowed me out for a few hours. But then she txted me bc I got in trouble at work. I don't care. I really don't. It's really hard to get a job. Maybe I will work in retail or something. I will apply at Target and all that stuff. Fuck now AOTS is talking about a mustang super snake... Sam loves cars. Me too. I miss him. I miss our life. I hate the one I'm left with. I will take my own life. I just need to gather the right  amount of pills. Wow. The new super snake has 800 hrpwr. Holy hell. I wish I could txt him about it. Hannah has a  new bf. Typical. He's sensitive though. She's never dated someone like that. He will be good for her. All of my friends are in relationships. I am this lonely sack of shit saddening up their lives. Terry has boyfriend. Michelle has a boyfriend. Bekah is married. Hannah is a serial dater haha. David is married with kids. I have officially become a giant fucking inconvenience to everyone I know. Fuck even Chris is dating. The only single one is Justin and he creeps me out... like he has been waiting for me and Sam to fail. What a fucker. Even Chloe has her five times a week out-patient therapy and her bi-polar disorder... she did tell me that I could never be  a burden to her. That was sweet. And talking  to her about Sam... and the fact that he needs help and I probably did nothing wrong... I just  hate that he is finding comfort in other women. It makes me hate my life. It makes me want to end it... because I don't want to see the person I love, fall in love with someone else. I can't survive that. I'm going to keep collecting pills. I found all my meds David took, by the way. I got like six norcos, hydracodenes (vicodin) and I took some other  ones that my step-sister was prescribed for pain. And some for my step-mom too. Some anti-vomitting ones so that I won't vomit my pills but absorb them  and die. I want to die so badly. I can't do this life any more. My life is shit and it is  my own fault and Ive tried to get a new job. I've tried endlessly. I'm trying to go to school. But I don't care about it. I'm collecting pills from everyone I know. I will do  this.  I will get it right.