fluid

Been really depressed lately. I think about suicide at least once or twice a day. No planning though, just fantasizing about how I won't have problems any more. Things have been bad lately. I will be moving states again. I will be back "home" for awhile. Maximum of two years. Minimum of four months. Heh, sounds like I'm going to prison. I'm not. I got a new computer. Church is the only thing going well in my life right now which is why I haven't been blogging. It's been keeping me happy. Sane. Alive. However, whenever I am not at church or with the church friends... I am binge-ing. A lot. I have been eating so much...Everyday. Huge amounts of food. Amounts of food that I used to eat, that would be enough or too much... isn't enough any more. I eat double or triple. I have been eating alone. And gorging alone. Eating so fast that the food can't make it down my throat... I have been forming a food addiction and becoming a binge eater. Not by choice. By loneliness. By sadness. By hatred of myself. I started working out last week and weening myself from the binge-ing. I've become so addicted to food that I feel more depressed now that I can't have it. Depressed because I'm fat and more depressed because I can't eat any more. So I'm stuck. And I've turned to ana. Liquid diet today. Successfully. So I do feel happy about that. I plan to stay on liquid for the rest of the weekend. I can't lie - I miss food. It's like breaking up with someone who isn't good for you. Heh. Anyway, hopefully I will feel thinner and better by the end of the weekend.