Must be somethin'

New Person. New Feels.

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

I wish you would...

I can't help the way my head turned and stared,
my guilty ears
having heard your voice
I was captivated
There was something there
Like nothing else
and I was gone
I see the flakes of our existence
Burn into the embers of who we could be
____________________________________


Broken pieces of
who I might have been
bleed together and burn my eyes
my heart in its oblivion
not ready for something so honest
so much like myself
and so different
to be understood so completely
my words
your lips
and we feel everything
in the same moment ...
just not for one another
spells cast in the wrong direction
making us the same forever

Same horrible shit in another decade

I would have bet good money I was over this. But this rain is relentless and I found a way to convince people that its okay for me to have an eating disorder. I'm vegan. Also, I found another way to ruin my life. Develope new feelings for a friend that is the same sex and one who is the opposite sex while knowing full well that both will reject you. I guess I'm bisexual...? I don't know. But I know I fucked up. I must have been too stoked to see one of them one day because I've already gotten inadvertently rejected. "I don't hookup with my friends." Cool. Solid. Probably really fucking smart. Not said to me because I made a move, but said to prevent me from making one.
I'm smoking again. Have been since before Christmas.
It's so weird to have people pretend to care that I am getting enough to eat. Because I'm still massive. Scales don't lie.

I bet my friend's stalker reads this what with being so clever with hacking. Hi fucker! They still hate you. And will forever.

Elliot Smith is so dope.

Here's some lame poetry.

Not so different
you're all so confident
and the same
worshipping at the same temple of sleaze
wanting more than you deserve
claiming desires for compassion
and the need to be understood
but it's all a clever guise
designed to conceal and hide
you're garbage and you know it
unable to change your tricks
you remain cold and loveless
...or maybe I'm just an over sensitive idiot

Unfortunate weeknd

Listening to: The Weeeknd Starboy 

I think I just realized... I might be a psychopath... or a sociopath. I mean... maybe... I don't care about myself one bit... but I know how to make people care about me... and I feel myself repeating patterns that cause people to stick around. Maybe just learned behavior from being a little one? I'm not sure. A forced behavior learned from being in an abusive relationship? Maybe. I don't know. I do know I don't like this feeling. Thinking about deleting this blog. *shrug* we shall see.

one more time around the block

Day Old Hate - City & Colour

I starved on Wednesday. Like a good old fashioned starving. I had to weigh in on Thursday morning and knew I hadn't lost a pound. So... old tricks and what not. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. I was so stoked. These results awakened a sleeping giant. If I have only 200 cals every day and lose 2 lbs a day then in 50 days I will be thin. Fuck, a month would even work. I want to try this until I get to a more manageable weight. I know it's fucked, I know it's crazy, I know it's unhealthy. But I am so desperately sick of looking the way that I do. I have a number in my head, that I will quit at. The hunger hurts, fuck I know, but starving works. Fiona had a point. I am only going to eat when I am around people. So that means today and tomorrow I should be able to lose at least 4 lbs. Tomorrow I am going to the school library all day and I am going to get ahead of my assignments. When I did this last time, I was able to stave off hunger for a long time. I hate that I am this way. I hate being fat much much more. I have never been thin. Never. And I am fucking sick of it.

Me and my boyfriend are great. He is severely depressed. I don't know how to help him. He despises western medicine. All I can do is love him and be there for him.
This is the first time I have heard Turning Page, and felt a since of love and dewiness about anyone. I feel it about Dexter. God... I really fell for him. That feels ... amazing. Thank God for the silver lining.

those collar bones tho...

the epitome of American beauty

if this is fake I don't care

looks like a different person

yikes

poly-no-amory

Confessions - City and Colour

Yeah, well when you find the right muse, you tend to retreat to it from time to time. I have recently felt as though the gift for words had ultimately abandoned me. I read back to when I was miserable and alone a lot of the time and realized no, indeed it had not left but instead it hides in me and takes great emotion to fetch it out. My muse lives inside the tormented and articulate soul of Dallas Green. God bless his talent. Truly.
Pardon the unfunny and hopelessly unwitty title of this blog but yeah... I am in a poloamourous relationship and tonight, as my previous entry detailed, he will be giving a back massage to a person he used to fuck. I don't think expletives are inarticulate, by the way, but rather a beautiful and necessary pepper to life. Moving on. Yeah. So that sits a bit weird with me because his exes usually turn up looking for some quick dick and he is too wonderfully silly hopeful and kind to see their flimsy excuse for seeing him as the dick lure that it is. The one night stand, wham bam thank you ma'am that they all do to him. I would love to pretend that I care about him getting hurt but I really fucking don't. When I act as though I am upset that someone fucked him and never called him back I have morphed my "that's what you fucking get" attitude into concern and cooing and "my baby deserves better" talk. So yeah... I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not a fucking polyamorist and I think it is stupid and bullshit and most polys are just really fucking ugly people who are only poly because if they werent they would never get laid. That's just my small minded opinion.
That said. Dexter is handsome. Wonderful. Kind. Beautiful. And I don't want to share him any more. And yes, I will be keeping this to myself. Unhealthy, maybe? Necessary? Absolutely. If he should ever get the notion to propose, I would have to decline. I adore this beast and I absolutely will not share him. That is not what marriage is to me. Are we that serious? I don't know, probably not. But it is good to have this back-up plan just in case. I love him. I would love to be with him long-term and possibly forever. But I am perfectly fine with him being this beautiful creature that I was honored to spend some time with in my late twenties.

I am a terrible fucking person. And I love the word fuck, so fucking deal with it.

It's all in your head, but so is everything

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

As soon as I wrote down how much I loved him, I knew I would regret it. It costs too much to love. God, I hope I remember that, later. His hands on someone else makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Seriously. Jesus Christ. Who am I kidding. I should have just kept starving and running like fucking always getting the results that pay off. Starving. Caffeinating. Smoking. Running. Fuck all.

The Fear - Lily Allen

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner
I am an angry little plump hopping bird. Fuck all. Here's to pharmaceuticals.
This is a terrible entry. My deepest apologies to my non-existent readers. 

Monica, blow out the candles...

"Let it Be me" Ray LaMontagne & "Once I Was" Tim Buckley
I can't remember what this title was supposed to be about. Just a girl. An anecdote to years spent hence the candles... how long has it been... since a coffin made of hospital bed. How long? How long? Indeed has it been that long...? Since a girl... A Magnificent girl, Monica. She shown a light. She taught me how. She showed me. She grew me. She gave me this sweater I am wearing. God. Wow. She changed my life. Even if she didn't... she did though.
Even if she didn't, she did though.
Even if she didn't she did though.
Monica you princess amongst mankind. If you have passed, I would be a wreck. Please please live on. Please please please have gotten better. The shake it gave you... God tell me it was enough. I hope you're here. Some two thousand miles away. Let you be ... God let you be living...

necessary nagging

I had this horrible feeling for awhile... that Dexter was falling out of love with me. Turns out ... he was never as in love with me as I thought.
Now, granted those are my words... but they are words that he agreed with.
Our entire relationship has been one great, big misinterpretation.
Fantastic.

I hate this life.
I really fucking do.
Why do I trust people? Why do I love people? Why do I care? Why do I even entertain the idea of letting my guard down... it never ends well. Ever.

homeless heart

So I "moved in" with my boyfriend ... oh wait, no, I moved into the house his older sister owns. I mean older. Like 45 but didnt take care of herself at all so her hair is all salt and pepper and I don't think she knows what makeup even is. I am beyond exhausted. One of my bf's housemates is a total asshole and now my boyfriend needs space. It feels like it did right before Sam broke up with me... so I've been crying a lot. and I've drank an entire bottle of wine. And I'm sleeping alone tonight.
I worked out for the first time in months today which is awesome because I really needed it. My knee is so fucked up... it's really sad. All the muscle I spent my whole life building, has deteriorated. When I used the machine that makes your knees do little curls, with the cushion in front of the knees, it could barely lift 15lbs. I was doing 50-75lbs easy before the injury. I worked out with a new friend. She is fucking beautiful... so... yeah... that sucks. Let's call her Taylor. She's an amazing friend though, truly, which is the only reason why I am putting up with how beautiful she is.
I started school. Fucking crazy. To be in school. I go to Atlanta in like a week. C R A Z Y. I'm so not used to going home. It's... weird. I'm broke as shit because I don't work but three or two days a week and my fucking financial aid has not come thru. And I'm passing out as I type this. Let's review - my bf's best friend is a piece of shit and I need to work on getting him to see it too... in my defense, I have been considering what I think about him for some months now, that is, my bf's bff that is...let's call him Roman. Yes, I have been considering Roman to be a total and complete prick as of late and for the past few months. He hates everyone and everything including himself. If he can't smoke it or drink it, it has very little use to him. Perhaps I should be focusing on how to console my Dexter when Roman kills himself or gets himself in jail or finally turns on him, as I expect he will. Roman is mysterious and secretive and I believe him to have ties to the occult...which is why I do my best not to cross him. I can hate him secretly... the other housemate, Mimi, hugged the day after I snapped at Roman's traveler friend and that was off-puting... she does not hug nor is she affectionate... it is as though she knows my time in their lives has come to an end. Goddamnit. His fucking sister is going to kick me out of the house. I fucking know it. If my relationship with Dexter ends... well shit... everytyhing tells me to fuck the lemons and bail but... I don't want to go back to Atlanta... I don't want to live there. I have no desire to make that shit hole a part of my life. And I worked so hard to get into school here... I would move on campus. Yup. I've decided. I would move on campus. And if it wouldn't work... I would fuck the lemons and bail...no. I would drop my class, defer enrollment till next fall. Get my old job back and work my ass off until next school year. Get my own apt. Yes.
Thinking of a life without Dexter feels crippling... I deluded myself into thinking he really truly loved me and I have to let that go. He doesn't. Despite the words that come out of his mouth his actions say otherwise... yes. Best to distance myself now while I have a little bit of sanity left.
Dexter... I loved you completely... I thought I would never love like that again... and you showed me infinite kindness and understanding. You were the only worthwhile thing to have happened to me while living in this state...and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
Fuck. Everything.

And then it was summer

So I did HCG drops and they worked. And then I got fat again. My knee injury really fucked me up. I have been gaining weight. I hate myself. The depression creeped back in a few days ago and it got me a little angry ... like I'm pissed that I feel this way... I just want it to stop. Also... I can't stop eating like a cow... reverse thinspo is absolutely necessary. Still have a fantastic and beautiful boyfriend... I don't know how I am conning him into loving me but I'm glad he does... he's all I got right now.

alone

me and my bf

me and my bf x 2

shame thru windows

Well it's been awhile. I am at an all time fat. I tried doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and I was beat to shit for like three days after. My CW is 220. I am ashamed and humiliated. It's time for me to get my shit together. And it will be much more difficult this time around. I have a boyfriend. Who is wonderful and kind and who loves me as I am. Gross. It's gonna be tricky to not eat around him. I could just tell him that I am trying to eat better and not eat so late at night. I also need to caffeinated much better. When I was better caffeinated in the past I was thinner. Also I applied for college. I'm trying to make my life less joke like.

How much would you bet?

Constant Knot - City & Colour

I asked a guy out. He said yes. Went out twice. Had sex. That doesn't feel smart. Let's call him Dexter. I feel like I am trying so hard to be this detached thing and I can't quite swing it. I want to like him. I like parts of him. I feel obligated to like him because the sex was so surreal and intense and fantastic and I don't want it to stop but I realized today... how do I end this? ... When my mind drew the blank that those ellipses so inaccurately depicted, my next thought was, What the fuck did I get myself into? Shit. I'm seeing him again. I want to have sex with him again. Probably won't happen. Sex with me is a fluke.

Confessions - City & Colour

I'm a year older. Non the wiser. Desperately wishing I could be this instrument of detachment and unloving. I will always settle for less because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Fucked, probably. But that's all I will allow myself. Love is a thing I only did well once. I tried before-hand and fucked it up pretty big. And by the time I got it right I didn't want to do it any more and... As much as I want to settle down and have a husband and a partner for life... I guess I'm not ready. I'm just Mosby-ing around. But this is 27. Have fun or die trying, right?
I've been living healthier. I decided that's close enough to 30 whilst being this fat and ugly. Sauna 3-4 times a week. Small workouts for now. Make-up, sun-screen and a facial cleansing routine every day/night. Healthy food and I want to keep as little food as possible in my apartment.
I feel like Dexter only fucked me because I asked him out and he was rewarding my courage. He only wanted to go for as long as we did because I footed the bill for dinner. He won't want to fuck me again and it is only a matter of time until he is ready to move on. Yes, I really think like this. Yes, I honestly think everyone else does as well. No, I don't think it is insane, depressing or pessimistic. It's just the goddamned truth. People don't fall in love this way. But honestly, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid of my attachments and feelings so I have decided to not acknowledge them, and God willing they will eventually fade away.
Next week I am ridding my diet of refined sugar. Aside from the goddamn gluttonous holiday that will embark upon us soon enough. Now I need to fake humility interest compassion and pretty much all other emotions until I have the time to write here again. Last guy I was with I dated for a month before we had sex. This time is was two days. Being an adult sucks. Fuck fuck fuck this.

i turn the page

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I turn the page
of this season
of my life
only to end up somewhere
I thought long passed
enduring the same mistakes
Grasping at the same fate
still so painfully and completely ...
how have I grown into
only more of the same;
same wrong path
how do I do this
so well?
it seems my only skill
is that of personal upheaval
and undoing
misguided attempts at reformation
disillusioned aspirations exciting a future that simply
will not come to pass
no recourse of ideation
but one...
its cool to the touch
introspection of such delivers
anxiety on my skin
unblunted edges drag across the soft surface
so easily blemished
so quickly
and lasting for the rest of my eternity
it's so easy
so finite
so damning
yet it is the only release I can find

relapse relax relapse relax again

I am so close to a relapse right now... I want to cut so badly. I hate myself so deeply right now. There is no one to talk to. There is no one who cares no one who would notice because the only person who disgraced with the dignity of seeing my uncovered flesh is me. This is the absolute worst... I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. It's like suffocating and private and intimate form of torture. My skin is not my own and my body has betrayed me and the only way to seek comfort is to hurt it. God... why do I feel this. I close my eyes and you're gone. I close my eyes and I wish... I close my eyes and everything goes away only it doesn't. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my mind right now and I want it all to go away. I feel there are too many options here for me to make the right one. Fuck! I hate this.

here are the minutes

I tried writing a poem a few months ago, reading back I feel ready to add to it:

I like the idea of us
For a minute...
I miss the feel of us, for seconds...
I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness
Seeking comfort in the cold now
In the quiet;
I'm on the the apex,
about to fall on one of these sides
and neither seems right
The darkness climbs up
with icicles for fingers
rattling out a cold steam for breath
begging me to let go
give up and give in
as my heart gives out
relinquishes itself from desire
needs
and dances with mistakes
regrets and the like
we are criminal, a different beast
every time I feel the scratch of your
face against my soft skin
the part of me long thought deceased
lifts it's aged and exhausted head
and wonders if for a second
it might be revived...
only to rest weakly back down
as a dog too old to greet it's master
so is my hope so defeated and reluctantly apathetic
"Deception, A Beautiful Lie"

day one delayed

Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

I have been feeling unhealthy to an extreme lately. I have always been fat or overweight but I have never felt absolutely repulsive before. I feel so completely unattractive and undesirable that I don't even want to go out in public and I don't want to feel like this any more and fuck... I gotta start somewhere. Today I ate until I was content and then stopped. I waited ten to fifteen minutes to determine the status of my hunger... it is so weird to behave this way but I think it is normal and healthy and hopefully will lead me out of binging completely. My food wasn't 100% healthy today but it was 100% pesacatarian so yay!! Hopefully I can keep this up <3

 

blogger blog on

So I found this on my new ana site that I love <3 and I am going to do it! It's a 50 day challenge to NOT binge bc I'm disgusting and grotesque. Starts tomorrow!!
.

Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

Day 2: Post a recent picture of yourself! Don’t body-shame, name two things you like about yourself in this picture.

Day 3: What do you define as a binge?

Day 4: A picture of one snack you had today that you felt was a good portion size.

Day 5: What do you usually binge on? Do you have certain trigger foods?

Day 6: Do you have any fear foods? If so, post a picture of them here. Yep, have the picture on your blog, and try to stop being scared of these foods.

Day 7: Are there specific times of day that you have trouble avoiding a binge? How are you working around that now? (Congrats on making it one week!!)

Day 8: A picture of something that makes you smile.

Day 9: What inspires you?

Day 10: A picture of a time in your life you remembering being really happy. How much does binging affect your mood?

Day 11: What is the hardest thing you’ve had to do? It can be fitness, social, mental, etc.

Day 12: Why do you think you binge? Be honest with yourself.

Day 13: What are you doing to make sure you’re drinking enough water? (This is key!)

Day 14: Do you think your binging is emotional?

Day 15: You’ve lasted OVER TWO WEEKS! How does that feel?

Day 16: Picture of a non-food reward that you enjoy.

Day 17: What have you done so far to keep yourself going?

Day 18: Do a cartwheel, (OR anything else cool you can do physically) and add a photo of it!

Day 19: What is your favorite way to work out?

Day 20: Picture after an intense workout! (Doesn’t have to be from today, but it should be!)

Day 21: Post your intake today. Are you happy with it?

Day 22: Give us a picture of your favorite breakfast!

Day 23: What is your favorite HEALTHY food?

Day 24: Talk about something you did for YOU today – emotionally, physically, etc.

Day 25: CONGRATS! You’re HALF WAY THROUGH! How are you feeling?

Day 26: What has been the hardest part about this so far?

Day 27: Does anyone know about your issues with binging?

Day 28: Picture (if you’re comfortable) of something you’re insecure of, and 5 REASONS why you shouldn’t be insecure.

Day 29: What is the best compliment you have received/can remember?

Day 30: ONE MONTH IN! WAY TO GO! Think you can make it 20 more days? List 3 reasons you want to keep going.

Day 31: Who in your life makes you really happy?

Day 32: Do you strength train/lift weights at all? (YOU SHOULD!)

Day 33: Detailed account of a binge you remember having. Try analyzing your feelings before and after it happened.

Day 34: A picture of some item of clothing you want to buy for yourself.

Day 35: When did your binging start? Why do you think it started?

Day 36: A picture of a time in your life that you didn’t feel good about your body. List two things that you like about this picture now.

Day 37: Do you think it’s possible to be 100% happy with your body? Why or why not?

Day 38: What calms you down when you’re stressed out?

Day 39: A picture of your favorite book.

Day 40: TEN MORE DAYS LEFT! Name an accomplishment in your life that you’re really proud of.

Day 41: Favorite actress or singer and why? Do you look up to this person?

Day 42: A picture of what your pantry/dorm room looks like after 42 days of no binging! Are there foods you’ve been able to keep around that you couldn’t before?

Day 43: List five things that you love about yourself.

Day 44: Do you see yourself as a happy person? Do you think others see you as a happy person?

Day 45: What’s your biggest fear? How can you overcome it?

Day 46: When did you make your tumblr? How has it changed since you first started it?

Day 47: A picture of something you ate today that would have once made you feel guilty, but today you have NO GUILT.

Day 48: The challenge is almost over! List 5 things you’re looking forward to coming up.

Day 49 - Hey, remember that picture you took at the beginning on day 2? Post another one in the exact same pose. Notice any differences? What was your mindset on day 2 vs. today?

Day 50: CONGRATS! You’re amazing What are your goals now? Go after them!

slipping through grief

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I need to cry. Yeah. Never thought I'd write this either. I am horribly alone. I've had a rough rough rough past few months. I work too hard. I make okay money. I hate where I live. I miss my family. I don't want to move back "home." I don't want to move to LA. I want it to move to me. I want to chase my dreams more than anything in the world. I am still fat. I am still depressed. I have been smoking in my apartment... which is nice... I'm fat and it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. I am so alone. I want to be held loved adored fucked cherished kissed feel love being made to me without wanting to do it back... I want a man's undying attention. I want to be doted on. I want to be so attracted and be able to leave this wonderful man and regret it. I want ... no. I take it back... kind of. I want those things because what I desire... more than anything in the world... the deepest desire of my heart right now is to be in love. Pure and unapologetic. The kind of love that consumes your entire being... I want that love. I want love better than any I have ever known. I never want to feel this alone ever again. I want to share all of me. The good bad crazy beautiful amazing funny talented sexy lovely person I know that I am ... or can be... I want someone to see that and want it. Need it. Love it. Love me. And I want that man to be someone I am not settling on. Christ... don't I deserve that? ...

Probably not.

Me and Beth are detoxing. I better lose some fucking weight. Dear LA, you better be the fucking answer I am looking for.

Lately...

9 Crimes Damien Rice

Lately... well Christ... see lately is a different kind of beast. I've been homeless. Screwed over more times than I can count. I work 40hr a week but it feels like 70. All my "friends" are thin and beautiful and I know why they keep me around... to look good. I get it, don't worry, I completely fucking get it. God, I still feel eighteen. Still feel like I have forever. But if I don't get out of this shithole before my 30s then I am just as stupid as I ever thought I was.
I moved out. Solo living. First time in these twenty six years. Weird. But not. Freeing. But lonely. Perfect. But temporary. Gotta lose the weight now. Gotta do it now. That way when they tell the story there will be this time where I got my shit together.  But that time for me is now and I am a fragile thing. Easily tempted. Quickly distracted. Once I catch a glimpse of an intricate web of illusions, I plummet. Head over feet, I am the young Alice, tumbling unto a dimension which I cannot possibly be equipped to discover, yet tumbling just as quick. How I envy those who can conquer themselves and defeat their childish nature in order to acquiesce the desired vocation. Can I? Dare I allow these apparitions to hazy my subconscious as I lay asleep and unfighting?
All I allow myself to know is right now. I hate right now. I have to starve right now.

street lights

I see it in streetlights
stop signs
the desolate
places
they hide and theyre scared
they are so sick of the wait
he waits
and he feels
that he cant do this any more
the same girl
same kiss
different face or shape
he cant wait
anymore
promised hed wait forever, didnt he?
your prescence is requested
the beautiful and divine intervention....
Lord god I won't wait....
my soul burns
burns within me
within this sad and lonely cave
of my chest
bring your hand upon me...
let you holy deicison
grow with in me...
bring about you divine and worthy wisdom
let your hand move upon me
your glory your Holy... show me show me show me
in ways you never have