Lately... well Christ... see lately is a different kind of beast. I've been homeless. Screwed over more times than I can count. I work 40hr a week but it feels like 70. All my "friends" are thin and beautiful and I know why they keep me around... to look good. I get it, don't worry, I completely fucking get it. God, I still feel eighteen. Still feel like I have forever. But if I don't get out of this shithole before my 30s then I am just as stupid as I ever thought I was.
I moved out. Solo living. First time in these twenty six years. Weird. But not. Freeing. But lonely. Perfect. But temporary. Gotta lose the weight now. Gotta do it now. That way when they tell the story there will be this time where I got my shit together. But that time for me is now and I am a fragile thing. Easily tempted. Quickly distracted. Once I catch a glimpse of an intricate web of illusions, I plummet. Head over feet, I am the young Alice, tumbling unto a dimension which I cannot possibly be equipped to discover, yet tumbling just as quick. How I envy those who can conquer themselves and defeat their childish nature in order to acquiesce the desired vocation. Can I? Dare I allow these apparitions to hazy my subconscious as I lay asleep and unfighting?
All I allow myself to know is right now. I hate right now. I have to starve right now.
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