relapse relax relapse relax again

I am so close to a relapse right now... I want to cut so badly. I hate myself so deeply right now. There is no one to talk to. There is no one who cares no one who would notice because the only person who disgraced with the dignity of seeing my uncovered flesh is me. This is the absolute worst... I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. It's like suffocating and private and intimate form of torture. My skin is not my own and my body has betrayed me and the only way to seek comfort is to hurt it. God... why do I feel this. I close my eyes and you're gone. I close my eyes and I wish... I close my eyes and everything goes away only it doesn't. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my mind right now and I want it all to go away. I feel there are too many options here for me to make the right one. Fuck! I hate this.